5 Words . . . .
"Dorothy Mantooth is a saint!"
2 more words . . . .
Like Everest.
That's all.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Saturday, February 9, 2008
Writing is a socially acceptable form of schizophrenia. ~E.L. Doctorow
If you are looking for the truth stop here. If you yearn for a tale of justice and good triumphing over evil or a love story of epic proportions then this is not the one for you. This is not a love story. It is not a glorious biography of a plucky young person who rises above all the great tragedies of the world to save a person, family, village or country. No. This is not that story.
Or is it? Any story, after all, is every story. There is nothing new under the sun. The horrible, debilitatingly vile thing that happened to you has happened in the exact same way to countless others. If that thought depresses you just remember that every glorious triumph is also a shared experience. If that depresses you then you’re an asshole.
But let us leave these ruminations for another time . . . .
It was a bright and sunny day. The clouds frolicked across the sky like wee little lambkins. A breeze, reminiscent of thyme and honeysuckle, blew gently over the clipped and manicured lawns. In short, it would seem, God was in his heaven and all was right with the world. Which just goes to show that people who put their faith in foreshadowing are suckers.
Not, you understand, that anything particularly nasty or horrible was about to happen. No. Not a bit. But, as Dorothy Parker pointed out, it’s the messes that kill us. The ordinary every day horrors. The three horsemen of the apocalypse are not, as others would have you believe, War, Famine and Plague. They are Boredom, Apathy and Regret. They come on pale horses to rob us slowly. At least War and Plague (usually) have the decency to kill ya’ quick. But, as I say, it was a fine day which served to show up the little woes of the woman sitting on the grass in sharp relief.
Not that she had much to be woeful about. The good fairies that are genetics had given her quite a few christening gifts. She was bright, moderately talented in various artistic fields and, in the right light or frame of mind, rather attractive in a strange, can’t quite put your finger on it kind of a way. And, if, on occasion, she was left to wonder why she was only moderately talented instead of a flaming genius or why she wasn’t blessed with the stunning good looks of the “Wow, buddy! Got to get me some of that” variety, well, what’s a picnic without a couple of ants?
On this morning the picnic was covered in honey and the ants were the kind that bite. Hard.
Or is it? Any story, after all, is every story. There is nothing new under the sun. The horrible, debilitatingly vile thing that happened to you has happened in the exact same way to countless others. If that thought depresses you just remember that every glorious triumph is also a shared experience. If that depresses you then you’re an asshole.
But let us leave these ruminations for another time . . . .
It was a bright and sunny day. The clouds frolicked across the sky like wee little lambkins. A breeze, reminiscent of thyme and honeysuckle, blew gently over the clipped and manicured lawns. In short, it would seem, God was in his heaven and all was right with the world. Which just goes to show that people who put their faith in foreshadowing are suckers.
Not, you understand, that anything particularly nasty or horrible was about to happen. No. Not a bit. But, as Dorothy Parker pointed out, it’s the messes that kill us. The ordinary every day horrors. The three horsemen of the apocalypse are not, as others would have you believe, War, Famine and Plague. They are Boredom, Apathy and Regret. They come on pale horses to rob us slowly. At least War and Plague (usually) have the decency to kill ya’ quick. But, as I say, it was a fine day which served to show up the little woes of the woman sitting on the grass in sharp relief.
Not that she had much to be woeful about. The good fairies that are genetics had given her quite a few christening gifts. She was bright, moderately talented in various artistic fields and, in the right light or frame of mind, rather attractive in a strange, can’t quite put your finger on it kind of a way. And, if, on occasion, she was left to wonder why she was only moderately talented instead of a flaming genius or why she wasn’t blessed with the stunning good looks of the “Wow, buddy! Got to get me some of that” variety, well, what’s a picnic without a couple of ants?
On this morning the picnic was covered in honey and the ants were the kind that bite. Hard.
Monday, February 4, 2008
Wrong Crowd, Bub.
I, yet again, don't blog enough so here ya' go....
Things, Places or People That Are Mentioned To Me That I Have No Interest In Or Actively Dislike.
1. Stephen King
I do not read Stephen King. No. Seriously. Nothing. That man is not right in the head. If he moved into my neighborhood I’d move. I may never go to Maine because of him. I’m just sayin’.
2. Those Friggin’ Hobbit Movies
I enjoy the books. I’ll have to be content with that because those movies are boring as ass. If you’d like to know how I feel about them in detail rent “Clerks II”. Randal takes the words right out of my mouth.
3. Lost
I don’t get it. Sorry. Maybe I’m defective. I don’t know. I’m willing to consider that it’s the best show ever and I just don’t get it. Who knows?
4. Star Wars
Yes, I’ve seen them all. Yes, I enjoy the first three. Other than that? Who cares? I am, however, interested in laughing at the freaks who sleep out for tickets and dress up. They make me giggle.
5. Football
I don’t know who won the Super Bowl. I don’t care who won the Super Bowl. I will never care about the Super Bowl. Ever. You want to talk to me about baseball? OK. Hockey? Less interested but still there. Football? I think Berke Breathed (Bloom County) sums it up best, “if mad at pig eat pig!”
That’s all for now.
Things, Places or People That Are Mentioned To Me That I Have No Interest In Or Actively Dislike.
1. Stephen King
I do not read Stephen King. No. Seriously. Nothing. That man is not right in the head. If he moved into my neighborhood I’d move. I may never go to Maine because of him. I’m just sayin’.
2. Those Friggin’ Hobbit Movies
I enjoy the books. I’ll have to be content with that because those movies are boring as ass. If you’d like to know how I feel about them in detail rent “Clerks II”. Randal takes the words right out of my mouth.
3. Lost
I don’t get it. Sorry. Maybe I’m defective. I don’t know. I’m willing to consider that it’s the best show ever and I just don’t get it. Who knows?
4. Star Wars
Yes, I’ve seen them all. Yes, I enjoy the first three. Other than that? Who cares? I am, however, interested in laughing at the freaks who sleep out for tickets and dress up. They make me giggle.
5. Football
I don’t know who won the Super Bowl. I don’t care who won the Super Bowl. I will never care about the Super Bowl. Ever. You want to talk to me about baseball? OK. Hockey? Less interested but still there. Football? I think Berke Breathed (Bloom County) sums it up best, “if mad at pig eat pig!”
That’s all for now.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
'Cause When You Think Irish . . . .
You think drunkeness and potatoes. This, my friends, is what we call "A Happy Drunk". Pick some up. Imbibe. Enjoy!Best Day. Ever.
Today I will be paying a mechanic an obscene amount of money for a new fuel pump and some other fuel related thing I can't remember the name of. Yesterday my car broke down on the way to work. One person stopped to scream at me...when I was off the road. The following pretty much tells that story.
Dear Jackass In The Hummer:
1. Never scream at somebody who has been sitting in the freezing cold for an hour (after their car has broken down and they've physically pushed it off of the road) because you've decided to buy a fuckin' tank. They didn't tell you to purchase the damn thing so it isn't their fault. Nor did they decide to break down just to f with your day. Strangely enough.
2. Don't buy a damn tank.
3. Don't fuck with a girl who's already stressed out and then get all surprised and offended when she gets out of the broken down vehicle and screams at your stupid, foolish, tank buying, no respect or empathy for anyone besides yourself ass!
4. Wasn't it funny that when I got out of the car and came over to you all of a sudden you had more than enough room to get by me and my car? Nutty.
5. You ran away from a girl. A short girl. Ha. Ha. Ha. Pussy!
Sincerely,
Dark Fury
Dear Jackass In The Hummer:
1. Never scream at somebody who has been sitting in the freezing cold for an hour (after their car has broken down and they've physically pushed it off of the road) because you've decided to buy a fuckin' tank. They didn't tell you to purchase the damn thing so it isn't their fault. Nor did they decide to break down just to f with your day. Strangely enough.
2. Don't buy a damn tank.
3. Don't fuck with a girl who's already stressed out and then get all surprised and offended when she gets out of the broken down vehicle and screams at your stupid, foolish, tank buying, no respect or empathy for anyone besides yourself ass!
4. Wasn't it funny that when I got out of the car and came over to you all of a sudden you had more than enough room to get by me and my car? Nutty.
5. You ran away from a girl. A short girl. Ha. Ha. Ha. Pussy!
Sincerely,
Dark Fury
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Hair style is the final tip-off whether or not a woman really knows herself. ~Hubert de Givenchy, Vogue, July 1985
Ignore the clothes (please!). I want the haircut.Friday, January 18, 2008
Pssst! You're Thetan Is Showing!
Somebody leaked the Scientology “Audit” questionnaire….let’s have some fun.
Have you ever enslaved a population? Well, define “enslaved”. You say Tom-ay-to I say Tom-ah-to.
Have you ever debased a nation's currency? I’ve done my best but I think I’ve only devalued the currency in my own bank account. This is a mater of deep shame for me. Let’s move on.
Have you ever killed the wrong person? No. I always check ID….Otherwise it’s just wrong. How dare you?
Have you ever torn out someone's tongue? No. I don’t care for saliva on my hand.
Have you ever been a professional critic? Professional? No. It’s just a hobby.
Have you ever wiped out a family? Of humans? Ants? Birds? What? I need more info to answer this.
Have you ever tried to give sanity a bad name? As G-d is my witness I can honestly say I have never given sanity a bad name.
Have you ever consistently practiced sex in some unnatural fashion? No. I always use a harness and three cattle prods. Two for safety and one for fun.
Have you ever made a planet, or nation, radioactive? Well, who hasn’t? Now you’re just being silly.
Have you ever made love to a dead body? That’s a matter of opinion, surely?
Have you ever engaged in piracy? Arg, no, matey. I’d hate to have a parrot on my shoulder. Birds smell.
Have you ever been a pimp? Whatchu’ laughin’ at? Ain’t a damn thing funny. Bitch better have my money!
Have you ever eaten a human body? Not a whole one, no.
Have you ever disfigured a beautiful thing? I once, accidentally, got a perm. Does that count?
Have you ever exterminated a species? Global warming will exterminate the polar bear within fifty years and everybody contributes to that so not yet but I’m working on it.
Have you ever been a professional executioner? Do tips count as professional? If not it’s, again, just a hobby.
Have you given robots a bad name? Yes. I cried at a movie once. My bad.
Have you ever set a booby trap? I’m not MacGyver (sp?).
Have you ever failed to rescue your leader? Yes. But, in all fairness, Barbra was bound and determined to get that fugly hair style and we’ve never met so how could I tell her? HOW?!?!
Have you driven anyone insane? Maybe.
Have you ever killed the wrong person? Again, I check ID. I’m a very responsible person. I’m offended that you didn’t believe me the first time.
Is anybody looking for you? Everybody, baby.
Have you ever set a poor example? No but I’ve convinced a Mormon to eat Chinese food, drink regular Coke and smoke a cigarette. He was grateful, as I recall.
Did you come to Earth for evil purposes? Of course.
Are you in hiding? Only from Tom Cruise.
Have you systematically set up mysteries? No. I do it randomly.
Have you ever made a practice of confusing people? Well, it does make perfect.
Have you ever philosophized when you should have acted instead? I’d answer but I just have to complete my thesis on Kierkegaard and the Concept and Rise of Intellectualism in Germanic Cultures. Can you wait?
Have you ever gone crazy? . . . . Seriously? You're asking me that question?
Have you ever sought to persuade someone of your insanity? If you meant - Have you ever tried to persuade someone that you are insane then the answer is I’ve never had to. If you meant - Have you ever sought to persuade someone that your insane idea was correct then the answer is I’ve never had to.
Have you ever deserted, or betrayed, a great leader? Name one “great leader” in my life time. If you can find one I’ll answer that question.
Have you ever smothered a baby? Once a day and twice on Sunday. Was I not supposed to? I know I shouldn’t shake a baby but I never heard any PSA about smothering!
Do you deserve to have any friends? Not particularly but who, when you think about it, does? So we may as well all make the best of it.
Have you ever castrated anyone? Only verbally.
Do you deserve to be enslaved? Only if I’m paid really handsomely.
Is there any question on this list I had better not ask you again? This one, you bastard!
Have you ever tried to make the physical universe less real? I have no idea what the hell you are on. Drugs are bad, m’kay?
Have you ever zapped anyone? I’ll tase ya’, bro.
Have you ever had a body with a venereal disease? If so, did you spread it? On toast.
Have you ever enslaved a population? Well, define “enslaved”. You say Tom-ay-to I say Tom-ah-to.
Have you ever debased a nation's currency? I’ve done my best but I think I’ve only devalued the currency in my own bank account. This is a mater of deep shame for me. Let’s move on.
Have you ever killed the wrong person? No. I always check ID….Otherwise it’s just wrong. How dare you?
Have you ever torn out someone's tongue? No. I don’t care for saliva on my hand.
Have you ever been a professional critic? Professional? No. It’s just a hobby.
Have you ever wiped out a family? Of humans? Ants? Birds? What? I need more info to answer this.
Have you ever tried to give sanity a bad name? As G-d is my witness I can honestly say I have never given sanity a bad name.
Have you ever consistently practiced sex in some unnatural fashion? No. I always use a harness and three cattle prods. Two for safety and one for fun.
Have you ever made a planet, or nation, radioactive? Well, who hasn’t? Now you’re just being silly.
Have you ever made love to a dead body? That’s a matter of opinion, surely?
Have you ever engaged in piracy? Arg, no, matey. I’d hate to have a parrot on my shoulder. Birds smell.
Have you ever been a pimp? Whatchu’ laughin’ at? Ain’t a damn thing funny. Bitch better have my money!
Have you ever eaten a human body? Not a whole one, no.
Have you ever disfigured a beautiful thing? I once, accidentally, got a perm. Does that count?
Have you ever exterminated a species? Global warming will exterminate the polar bear within fifty years and everybody contributes to that so not yet but I’m working on it.
Have you ever been a professional executioner? Do tips count as professional? If not it’s, again, just a hobby.
Have you given robots a bad name? Yes. I cried at a movie once. My bad.
Have you ever set a booby trap? I’m not MacGyver (sp?).
Have you ever failed to rescue your leader? Yes. But, in all fairness, Barbra was bound and determined to get that fugly hair style and we’ve never met so how could I tell her? HOW?!?!
Have you driven anyone insane? Maybe.
Have you ever killed the wrong person? Again, I check ID. I’m a very responsible person. I’m offended that you didn’t believe me the first time.
Is anybody looking for you? Everybody, baby.
Have you ever set a poor example? No but I’ve convinced a Mormon to eat Chinese food, drink regular Coke and smoke a cigarette. He was grateful, as I recall.
Did you come to Earth for evil purposes? Of course.
Are you in hiding? Only from Tom Cruise.
Have you systematically set up mysteries? No. I do it randomly.
Have you ever made a practice of confusing people? Well, it does make perfect.
Have you ever philosophized when you should have acted instead? I’d answer but I just have to complete my thesis on Kierkegaard and the Concept and Rise of Intellectualism in Germanic Cultures. Can you wait?
Have you ever gone crazy? . . . . Seriously? You're asking me that question?
Have you ever sought to persuade someone of your insanity? If you meant - Have you ever tried to persuade someone that you are insane then the answer is I’ve never had to. If you meant - Have you ever sought to persuade someone that your insane idea was correct then the answer is I’ve never had to.
Have you ever deserted, or betrayed, a great leader? Name one “great leader” in my life time. If you can find one I’ll answer that question.
Have you ever smothered a baby? Once a day and twice on Sunday. Was I not supposed to? I know I shouldn’t shake a baby but I never heard any PSA about smothering!
Do you deserve to have any friends? Not particularly but who, when you think about it, does? So we may as well all make the best of it.
Have you ever castrated anyone? Only verbally.
Do you deserve to be enslaved? Only if I’m paid really handsomely.
Is there any question on this list I had better not ask you again? This one, you bastard!
Have you ever tried to make the physical universe less real? I have no idea what the hell you are on. Drugs are bad, m’kay?
Have you ever zapped anyone? I’ll tase ya’, bro.
Have you ever had a body with a venereal disease? If so, did you spread it? On toast.
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