What Do You Get The Girl Who Has Everything?

So, I hate to say it* but it's almost my birthday. I was born in 19*mumblemumblesnortcough*, a very good year.

If anybody is wondering what to get me (presents are, of course, not necessary but always most appreciated) I direct you to my amazon.com or target.com lists. Just sayin'.

*Not really.

If It Weren't For Bad Luck . . .

I'd have no luck at all. Well, fine, not exactly true. I did have a bit of luck this morning. My car died in my driveway instead of on the road. Sweet!

Oy. Well, if I had perfect luck how would I know I was Irish? Oh, wait. . . .

Ding. Dang!

Oh, well, at least I had some left over pho to eat for breakfast. See? Things are lookin' up all the time!

EDITED TO ADD: It needed a new battery. Of course! I swear my car is now, officially, brand new. Oh, wait! First I'd need to paint it but, other than that? Brand spankin' new!

Cheese. Is There Anything It Can't Do?

Can the worst day be made better by cheese? Strangely enough, yes!

Where to begin? Where. To. Begin?

Well, let’s start with the fact that I was sick like a dog Sunday and Monday and go from there, shall we? Let’s! So, I was sick. I called out from work on Monday and went back today. What did I come back to? A meeting with the big boss and all the other contract workers telling us that none of us, let me say it again, none of us were sent down from the main office to go any further in the hiring process for full time positions. Basically, we were told that the main office in Richmond thinks we’re unqualified to do the work we already do. Seriously? Hu. Well, fancy that! You want to see unqualified? I can give ya’ unqualified! However, as upset as we were we weren’t as angry as our supervisor who was cursing up a storm which, it must be said, was kind of hysterical. So, we’ve all decided that until the contract is up we’re on a slow down. Also, I’m taking off for my birthday. I already made a good impression and where did it get me? Nowhere fast. The hell with them!

The day got decidedly better after work when I went to get a massage from Olivia. Yes, it hurt but in a good way (insert your own dirty joke here). Then we went over to Erin & Jonathon’s for dinner. G-d bless Mexican food and chocolate fondue! Love it! After gorging ourselves we watched “The Biggest Loser”…that’s called irony.

Now I’m not even upset about the job anymore. I’m just wondering what I’ll do next. Also, why is it that people tell me when I leave a job that it’s G-d’s way of telling me to go back to acting? If it is He’s being too subtle. I have AS! I’m a very literal person. I need a big sign! Like hitting lotto, for instance.

Ah, the hell with it! What I really want to do is find someone to split a cabin with so I can go on Elisa and Jay’s wedding cruise. My standards have lowered. I’ll even go steerage, ya’ know, the cheap(er) interior rooms. I need the ocean.

So, in conclusion, if you know of a place that’s hiring or someone I can split a cruise with let a bitch know. ‘Kay? Thanks!

EDITED TO ADD: Erin, due to the slow down, your post will be written tomorrow. You've been (kind of) patient. Well done!

Finally, A Bit Of Bloody Justice!

It has just come to my attention that Craig Ferguson beat Conan O'Brian in the ratings for the first time recently. At last! Justice. I deep down love this mans show. Hell! I lurve him. Yeah. That's right! I said it! What?

Well, now we're just getting silly.

If you're unfamiliar with his work just look to the right. What's not to love? And he's super cute, no? Watch it!

“If you're frightened of leprechauns, the best thing to do is to get yourself a little leprechaun outfit and see how big they are. And then you'll go, 'Well I see. That's like bein' frightened of a hampster.'” - Craig Ferguson

"This is my first week as an American citizen. It's amazing. Now I can vote in the general election- and for American Idol." - Craig Ferguson

"I think I'll be Scottish in every movie I write. They always try to talk me out of it, but Woody Allen is always a nebbish New Yorker. Why shouldn't I be a goofy Glaswegian?" - Craig Ferguson

"I haven't had a drink in thirteen years, but occasionally I'm tempted to have one beer. The problem is that if I have that one beer, I wake up in Tijuana four days later with a tattoo and a sore ass." - Craig Ferguson

EDITED TO ADD: His book is great as well. Loved it! "Between the Bridge & the River" - Buy it. Fuck the library. Buy the bastard.

“For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?” Jack Handy

The more he thought about it, the more convinced Dr. Thadeous Mattalson became that he had at last discovered that which had eluded scientific man-kind for generations. Yes, but how to get top dollar for it, that was the question on Thadeous' mind now. Science for science's sake was all very well when he was just a fledgling but now, with a wife and four eggs about to hatch, Thadeous could use some ready cash and his discovery of Alkahest should be the way to get it!

Unfortunately, Thadeous was all too familiar with the pitfalls of the open market. He'd been just a lad when his own father, Vladimir, had cornered the world supply of soporiferous son et lumiere, just as the public began it's love affair with hot jazz and bathtub gin. What a disaster. All the family's vast fortune tied up in what had become, overnight, a drag on the market. Yes, Thadeous knew there was a new fortune to be made with Alkahest but was the time right to release it on the consuming public and where could he get the money for the first fifty info-mercials?

These were the questions that would, dare one say it, drive him mad!

I Am An Idiot . . . Act Surprised!

I just took a lemon/sour cream cake out of the oven. In 10 minutes I need to turn it out. I hate that part. I live in fear of it not coming out of the pan smoothly.

Also, it just occured to me that when you're making up a recipe as you go along a party might not be the best time to try it out.

Yeah.

I have a panic disorder brought on by cake. Don't judge me!

Happy Birthday, Olivia!

From your "Scottish Husband" . . .
& Your country of choice!

Evil Scotsman

by Billy Connolly

"If your looking for trouble,

You're in the right place,Don't look at me like that, or I'll headbutt your face

I'm a mean motherfucker,

I was born that way,

and just because I wear a skirt don't think I'm fuckin' gay.

Cause I'm an evil scotsman,and Jimmy is my name,

I'm a sheep shagger from Aberdeen,and causing pain is my game."

Co` latha breith sona dhuibh! (Happ Birthday! [or so I'm told])

Next year in (your) Holy Land!