Rollin', Rollin', Rollin', Keep Them Wagons Rollin'!

I am officially moved into the apartment. And I will say this about the move - I will never, as G-d is my witness, move without the help of movers again. It's so bloody choice you wouldn't believe it (unless you too have used movers but then, obviously, I'm not speaking to you).

However . . . and I'm not here to judge . . . I'm just mentioning it . . . really it's fine . . . have you ever semlled something so foul that you're afraid it will stick to you? No? Just me? Fine. I'm the weirdo. What else is new?

In addition to all my stuff the movers left a BO stench that wouldn't die. Liv said it smelled like "old sweaty ass crack and feet." I believe that, though to my knowledge neither of us have ever sampled that particular perfume before, this is quite an accuaret description. I would just add that there was a wee drop of ten day old dead skunk in there but, then again, I have superior olefactory senses. But whatever the source, in the ass or the shoe, the reek of those gentlemen almost killed this Jew (sorry, I went a little Seusse). It was so bad that I had to immediately tell Liv, "hey, that is so not me!"

After they left I opened the windows. That didn't help. So, I Febreezed the entire apartment . . . including my own face. This seemed like a mistake at the time but I quickly realized that it was, in fact, the best idea I'd ever had. The smell, if such a force can be called a mear smell, is gone now and everything is fine. But it was a close call.

Three (3) Random Things

1. Today I went to work. I sat in my office. I attempted to work. I was interrupted, every ten minutes, by random coworkers popping in and out of my door.

"You're going to the breakfast, right?"
"Do you know if it's time for the breakfast?"
"What will I do if I miss the breakfast? Oh, Christ! I'll die! I'll. . .die."*
"Hey, they're starting the breakfast."

I thought about the fact that, even though I had nothing at all to do with said breakfast shin-dig, I am, apparently, thought to be Julie, The Cruise Director. On Friday we're having a luncheon. I think I'll make myself a name tag, buy a white blazer and direct people to the lido deck whilst flipping my super cute Dorothy Hamill hair cut. It's gonna' be boss and...possibly...gnarly.

2. Speaking of cruise directors. . . .

I have been staying at Elisa's in-laws since everybody and their brother Mike left for the cruise on the twelfth. I'm watching the dogs. They're adorable. I heart them. However, one of them has killer gas. No. I mean it. Killer. My life is in danger. Go ahead and laugh but you'll be laughing out of the other side of your face when you read in the paper (oh, come on, who am I kidding? Nobody reads papers anymore!) that I was found in deep rigor with a look of extreme terror and not a litt;e awe engraved on my face. Awe? Yes. Awe. I'm amazed that anything or one can smell that bad and not be dead. It must be a skill of some kind.
Oh, also? They wake up and bark every two hours starting at 1 AM. It's awesome! But, they are ador - - - - -

Holy. Mother. The stench just hit me. I can't give you a third item. I've got to run. Literally.

*OK. I made that one up. But not by much!

Erin Is An Enabler

Who feeds my list fetish. She's evil & wrong. That being said.....

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Wrapping paper
2. Real tree or Artificial? In a perfect world? Real. In my house? Artificial…damn it!
3. When do you put up the tree? The Saturday after Thanksgiving. It’s called “Turkey Tree Day”. It’s tradition.
4. When do you take the tree down? January 2nd
5. Do you like eggnog? No. It’s vile, evil & so very very wrong.
6. Favorite gift received as a child? The Complete Annotated Shakespeare.
7. Hardest person to buy for? Nobody. I’m a pretty good gift giver, I think.
8. Easiest person to buy for? Elisa. She’s a hippy. Step 1: World Market Step 2: Buy Something - Done!
9. Do you have a nativity scene? Yes, my great grandmother gave me one. It’s quite lovely….I am the best Jew ever!
10. Mail or email Christmas cards? Mail
11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? My great aunt (from Brooklyn so not really her fault…much) gave me a gold lame, beaded, fringed (!) purse when I was 16. I almost threw up.
12. Favorite Christmas movie? The Bishop’s Wife
13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? Usually the week of. This year? I’m on it! I’m half done…it may be the end times. Seriously. Be afraid.
14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? No. Tacky.
15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? Beef Stew (What? We’re Irish. Don’t judge.) For Hanukkah? Latkes, obviously.
16. Lights on the tree? Yes, but I’m OCD so they’re very specific & we really can’t get into that without me having an “episode”.
17. Favorite Christmas carol? Anything by Bing Crosby
18. Travel at Christmas or stay at home? Go to my Aunt’s.
19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer? Hanchel, Herschel, Schlomo…um, Grumpy, Doc, Sleepy, Ted & Rudolph!
20. Angel on the tree top or a star? Star.
21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? Christmas morning. What am I a heathen?
22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year? Explaining, repeatedly, to my coworkers that I do, in fact, celebrate Christmas & Hanukkah…welcome to America! It’s a melting pot.
23. What theme or color are you using? We don’t do that. We mix it up. Single color trees are gross and wrong.
24. Favorite for Christmas dinner? Corn muffins. What? What else do you eat with beef stew?
25. What do you want for Christmas this year? World peace…but, if I can’t have that, I’ll take a million dollars. Who am I to be so picky?
26. Who is most likely to respond to this? Stealing Erin’s Answer: Your Mom

Happy Thanksgiving

Breakfast of Champions Cake

2/3 cup cocoa
2 ¼ cups all purpose flour
2 cups sugar
1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
1 1/2 teaspoons baking soda
3/4 teaspoon salt
1 1/2 teaspoons instant coffee granules
1 1/2 cups unsweetened orange juice
3 eggs
2 teaspoons vanilla (optional)
1 1/4 cups canola oil or vegetable oil

Set oven to 350 degrees F.

Set rack to second-lowest postion.

Generously grease and flour a 12-cup bundt pan

In an extra large mixing bowl, sift together flour, cocoa, salt, baking soda, baking powder and sugar.

Disolve coffee granules in orange juice. Pour orange juice mixture into bowl. Add eggs, oil and vanilla. Mix on medium speed until well combined.

Bake for 50 - 60 minutes (check it at 50).

Cool in pan for about 15-20 minutes before removing. Sift powdered sugar over the top.

Eat.

Variations: You could also, of course, slice this cake into three layers, melt some cherry or raspberry preserves, brush the cake with the preserves and spread whipped cream between the layers and cover the whole thing with chocolate ganache...just a thought...it's America...up to you.

My Super (Nauseating) Sweet 16

Question:

When your 16 year old child asks you for a twenty-five thousand dollar Fendi mink coat what should your answer be?

A. What did you just ask me?
B. Are you out of your tiny mind?
C. Hell no!
D. All of the above.
E. Anything you want. It’s your world, we’re all just living in it!

Apparently, much to my shock, the answer is E. Who knew? Not me. I did not know that.

I would have imagined, actually, that the correct thing to do would be to laugh in the childs face for about an hour . . . Possibly while slapping them, lightly, about the head and neck with a rolled up newspaper. That would, surely, be my response. But, what do I know? If you go by the dim bulb, lack wit, parents of the Super Sweet 16 crowd I’m wrong as wrong can be. Hu.

Now, I’m sure, twenty-five thousand dollars is chump change to these people. Good for them. Way to hustle! But, instead of spending it on a, frankly, ugly coat that little baby precious dumplin’ angel will wear for about a minute before she’s “over it” how about you take that chump change and, oh, I don’t know…do something crazy? Like making her do volunteer work and then donating the money to the charity of her choice! How about doing something wacky like that? Why not show her that sometimes we don’t always get every little thing our hearts desire and that some, hell, lots of people don’t get the essentials let alone the luxury items? Wouldn’t that be a hoot?!

No? Better to have her grow up believing that she’s entitled to any little thing she wants? Better she should never understand the value of a dollar or how, honestly, to get a dollar without pitching a fit and running to daddy? Better she should grow up to be a douche bag of staggering proportions? Well, if you say so I’ll . . . No. Come to think of it, I won’t believe you.

Two (2) Mini Blogs For The Price of One (1)

1.
It Costs Extra To Have The Word Schmuck Carved Into A Tombstone But For You? I'll Save Up.

Today at work a man told me, as part of his defense, that his daughter “isn’t that retarded.” Oh, OK. To think that someone honest to G-d thought that it was OK to not take care of their mentally challenged child because, hey! They’re not that retarded! So, what’s the criteria? If she eats dirt and sits in the yard all day tethered to a post wearing a helmet will you support her then? I’m not trying to be cruel, I just really want to know what the cut off is.

2.
Alvy Singer: Hey listen, gimme a kiss.
Annie Hall: Really?
Alvy Singer: Yeah, why not, because we're just gonna go home later, right, and then there's gonna be all that tension, we've never kissed before and I'll never know when to make the right move or anything. So we'll kiss now and get it over with, and then we'll go eat. We'll digest our food better.

Annie Hall is on. I believe that this movie should be used as a compatibility litmus test (I’m very scientifically minded when I’m motivated). If you are interested in someone you should make them watch Annie Hall. If they love it and you love it? Grand. Go ahead and accept that dinner invitation. If they hate it and you hate it? Same deal. If you don’t feel the same way just walk away right there. Seriously. Further, you should watch it together and if you laugh with glee/scowl morosely and back chat the screen at the same time? Get married, shack up, have babies, whatever.

Annie Hall is the only one it will work with. Bananas , Take the Money and Run, Zelig? Those are funny to everybody …or should be…actually, no. I tell a lie. You can use any Woody Allen comedy. Go ahead. Go nuts!

But, of course, if they’re from someplace like Utah you’ll need a New York to English dictionary. But, hell, what do I know? Maybe you’re from Utah. No offense.

The Cure For What Ails You, Part II

Mushroom Kugel

1 Package of Wide Egg Noodles
1 8 oz. Package of Mushrooms - Chopped
½ Cup Yellow Onion - Chopped
2 Cloves Garlic - Minced
2 Sticks of Butter
8 oz. Sour Cream
8 oz. Cream Cheese
6 Eggs
Salt & Pepper To Taste

Preheat oven to 375

Prepare noodles as directed on package.
In large sauté pan melt 2 Tablespoons of the butter.
Add the onion, garlic and mushrooms.
Cook until soft.
Add the rest of the butter to the sauté pan and melt.
In a large bowl (seriously, make it a BIG bowl) mix the mushroom/butter mixture, cream cheese and sour cream.
Add the eggs one at a time (the batter will be thick like a cake batter).
Mix the noodles into the batter.
Pour mixture into a large casserole dish.
Bake, uncovered, for approximately 50 minutes.

You can do a sweet kugel by changing the mushrooms to the fruit of your choice (I like apple), adding ½ a cup of sugar, ½ a cup of brown sugar and 2 teaspoons of cinnamon.

Obviously, you would leave out the onion, garlic, salt and pepper…unless you have weird taste buds. Hey, it’s America. Do what you like!