Pssst! You're Thetan Is Showing!

Somebody leaked the Scientology “Audit” questionnaire….let’s have some fun.

Have you ever enslaved a population? Well, define “enslaved”. You say Tom-ay-to I say Tom-ah-to.

Have you ever debased a nation's currency? I’ve done my best but I think I’ve only devalued the currency in my own bank account. This is a mater of deep shame for me. Let’s move on.

Have you ever killed the wrong person? No. I always check ID….Otherwise it’s just wrong. How dare you?

Have you ever torn out someone's tongue? No. I don’t care for saliva on my hand.

Have you ever been a professional critic? Professional? No. It’s just a hobby.

Have you ever wiped out a family? Of humans? Ants? Birds? What? I need more info to answer this.

Have you ever tried to give sanity a bad name? As G-d is my witness I can honestly say I have never given sanity a bad name.

Have you ever consistently practiced sex in some unnatural fashion? No. I always use a harness and three cattle prods. Two for safety and one for fun.

Have you ever made a planet, or nation, radioactive? Well, who hasn’t? Now you’re just being silly.

Have you ever made love to a dead body? That’s a matter of opinion, surely?

Have you ever engaged in piracy? Arg, no, matey. I’d hate to have a parrot on my shoulder. Birds smell.

Have you ever been a pimp? Whatchu’ laughin’ at? Ain’t a damn thing funny. Bitch better have my money!

Have you ever eaten a human body? Not a whole one, no.

Have you ever disfigured a beautiful thing? I once, accidentally, got a perm. Does that count?

Have you ever exterminated a species? Global warming will exterminate the polar bear within fifty years and everybody contributes to that so not yet but I’m working on it.

Have you ever been a professional executioner? Do tips count as professional? If not it’s, again, just a hobby.

Have you given robots a bad name? Yes. I cried at a movie once. My bad.

Have you ever set a booby trap? I’m not MacGyver (sp?).

Have you ever failed to rescue your leader? Yes. But, in all fairness, Barbra was bound and determined to get that fugly hair style and we’ve never met so how could I tell her? HOW?!?!

Have you driven anyone insane? Maybe.

Have you ever killed the wrong person? Again, I check ID. I’m a very responsible person. I’m offended that you didn’t believe me the first time.

Is anybody looking for you? Everybody, baby.

Have you ever set a poor example? No but I’ve convinced a Mormon to eat Chinese food, drink regular Coke and smoke a cigarette. He was grateful, as I recall.

Did you come to Earth for evil purposes? Of course.

Are you in hiding? Only from Tom Cruise.

Have you systematically set up mysteries? No. I do it randomly.

Have you ever made a practice of confusing people? Well, it does make perfect.

Have you ever philosophized when you should have acted instead? I’d answer but I just have to complete my thesis on Kierkegaard and the Concept and Rise of Intellectualism in Germanic Cultures. Can you wait?

Have you ever gone crazy? . . . . Seriously? You're asking me that question?

Have you ever sought to persuade someone of your insanity? If you meant - Have you ever tried to persuade someone that you are insane then the answer is I’ve never had to. If you meant - Have you ever sought to persuade someone that your insane idea was correct then the answer is I’ve never had to.

Have you ever deserted, or betrayed, a great leader? Name one “great leader” in my life time. If you can find one I’ll answer that question.

Have you ever smothered a baby? Once a day and twice on Sunday. Was I not supposed to? I know I shouldn’t shake a baby but I never heard any PSA about smothering!

Do you deserve to have any friends? Not particularly but who, when you think about it, does? So we may as well all make the best of it.

Have you ever castrated anyone? Only verbally.

Do you deserve to be enslaved? Only if I’m paid really handsomely.

Is there any question on this list I had better not ask you again? This one, you bastard!

Have you ever tried to make the physical universe less real? I have no idea what the hell you are on. Drugs are bad, m’kay?

Have you ever zapped anyone? I’ll tase ya’, bro.

Have you ever had a body with a venereal disease? If so, did you spread it? On toast.