Saturday, January 26, 2008

'Cause When You Think Irish . . . .

You think drunkeness and potatoes. This, my friends, is what we call "A Happy Drunk". Pick some up. Imbibe. Enjoy!

Best Day. Ever.

Today I will be paying a mechanic an obscene amount of money for a new fuel pump and some other fuel related thing I can't remember the name of. Yesterday my car broke down on the way to work. One person stopped to scream at me...when I was off the road. The following pretty much tells that story.

Dear Jackass In The Hummer:

1. Never scream at somebody who has been sitting in the freezing cold for an hour (after their car has broken down and they've physically pushed it off of the road) because you've decided to buy a fuckin' tank. They didn't tell you to purchase the damn thing so it isn't their fault. Nor did they decide to break down just to f with your day. Strangely enough.

2. Don't buy a damn tank.

3. Don't fuck with a girl who's already stressed out and then get all surprised and offended when she gets out of the broken down vehicle and screams at your stupid, foolish, tank buying, no respect or empathy for anyone besides yourself ass!

4. Wasn't it funny that when I got out of the car and came over to you all of a sudden you had more than enough room to get by me and my car? Nutty.

5. You ran away from a girl. A short girl. Ha. Ha. Ha. Pussy!

Dark Fury

Friday, January 18, 2008

Pssst! You're Thetan Is Showing!

Somebody leaked the Scientology “Audit” questionnaire….let’s have some fun.

Have you ever enslaved a population? Well, define “enslaved”. You say Tom-ay-to I say Tom-ah-to.

Have you ever debased a nation's currency? I’ve done my best but I think I’ve only devalued the currency in my own bank account. This is a mater of deep shame for me. Let’s move on.

Have you ever killed the wrong person? No. I always check ID….Otherwise it’s just wrong. How dare you?

Have you ever torn out someone's tongue? No. I don’t care for saliva on my hand.

Have you ever been a professional critic? Professional? No. It’s just a hobby.

Have you ever wiped out a family? Of humans? Ants? Birds? What? I need more info to answer this.

Have you ever tried to give sanity a bad name? As G-d is my witness I can honestly say I have never given sanity a bad name.

Have you ever consistently practiced sex in some unnatural fashion? No. I always use a harness and three cattle prods. Two for safety and one for fun.

Have you ever made a planet, or nation, radioactive? Well, who hasn’t? Now you’re just being silly.

Have you ever made love to a dead body? That’s a matter of opinion, surely?

Have you ever engaged in piracy? Arg, no, matey. I’d hate to have a parrot on my shoulder. Birds smell.

Have you ever been a pimp? Whatchu’ laughin’ at? Ain’t a damn thing funny. Bitch better have my money!

Have you ever eaten a human body? Not a whole one, no.

Have you ever disfigured a beautiful thing? I once, accidentally, got a perm. Does that count?

Have you ever exterminated a species? Global warming will exterminate the polar bear within fifty years and everybody contributes to that so not yet but I’m working on it.

Have you ever been a professional executioner? Do tips count as professional? If not it’s, again, just a hobby.

Have you given robots a bad name? Yes. I cried at a movie once. My bad.

Have you ever set a booby trap? I’m not MacGyver (sp?).

Have you ever failed to rescue your leader? Yes. But, in all fairness, Barbra was bound and determined to get that fugly hair style and we’ve never met so how could I tell her? HOW?!?!

Have you driven anyone insane? Maybe.

Have you ever killed the wrong person? Again, I check ID. I’m a very responsible person. I’m offended that you didn’t believe me the first time.

Is anybody looking for you? Everybody, baby.

Have you ever set a poor example? No but I’ve convinced a Mormon to eat Chinese food, drink regular Coke and smoke a cigarette. He was grateful, as I recall.

Did you come to Earth for evil purposes? Of course.

Are you in hiding? Only from Tom Cruise.

Have you systematically set up mysteries? No. I do it randomly.

Have you ever made a practice of confusing people? Well, it does make perfect.

Have you ever philosophized when you should have acted instead? I’d answer but I just have to complete my thesis on Kierkegaard and the Concept and Rise of Intellectualism in Germanic Cultures. Can you wait?

Have you ever gone crazy? . . . . Seriously? You're asking me that question?

Have you ever sought to persuade someone of your insanity? If you meant - Have you ever tried to persuade someone that you are insane then the answer is I’ve never had to. If you meant - Have you ever sought to persuade someone that your insane idea was correct then the answer is I’ve never had to.

Have you ever deserted, or betrayed, a great leader? Name one “great leader” in my life time. If you can find one I’ll answer that question.

Have you ever smothered a baby? Once a day and twice on Sunday. Was I not supposed to? I know I shouldn’t shake a baby but I never heard any PSA about smothering!

Do you deserve to have any friends? Not particularly but who, when you think about it, does? So we may as well all make the best of it.

Have you ever castrated anyone? Only verbally.

Do you deserve to be enslaved? Only if I’m paid really handsomely.

Is there any question on this list I had better not ask you again? This one, you bastard!

Have you ever tried to make the physical universe less real? I have no idea what the hell you are on. Drugs are bad, m’kay?

Have you ever zapped anyone? I’ll tase ya’, bro.

Have you ever had a body with a venereal disease? If so, did you spread it? On toast.

Drugs Are Bad, M'Kay?

Holy. Mother. Of. G-d.

Celebrity Rehab is a train wreck and I can’t look away. I feel dirty but I can’t look away. Jeff Conaway. Jesus. I can never watch Taxi again. I can’t even explain anything more about this show. Watch it.

Drugs are bad, m’kay? M’KAY!

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Why don't you draw some more attention to the stolen vehicle by dancing on it?

I completely forgot about this movie until I saw the tag end of it on Comedy Central a couple of weeks ago. I netflix-ed it and ya' know? I still really like it.

I remember liking it when it came out and maybe I'm just being nostalgic but I think it holds up. Rent it and let me know what you think.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

I Must Be Seriously Ill.

Hi. My name is Dark Fury and. . . . I have a mental problem.

I realized this two days ago when I saw the above picture and thought "Damn it, he's hot!" Why is it that I find this look attractive? I don't know. . . I don't care. I know it's wicked weird but I love the trashiness of it.

I accept that I will need therapy, medication and prayer to come to grips with this difficulty and hope that you, as my friend, will be there for me in this my time of need.

Yours in Christ,
Dark Fury

PS Does anybody else hear that? Jump around......jump around.........jump........up........jump up.........and get..........down.....

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

“Only thing worse than watching a bad movie is being in one” Elvis Presley

It’s Elvis Presley’s birthday so, once again, the good folks over at TCM had a mini marathon of his movies. I was at work but I came home in time for “Stay Away Joe.” I couldn’t get past the first fifteen minutes. It was too depressing. Jesus. I’d have put half of Ecuador up my nose too (in liquid form, of course, soaked in to cotton swabs…little Elvis trivia for ya’.) if I was contractually obligated to be in a shite bomb like that. Also while I was getting ready this morning they were playing “Elvis: That’s The Way It Is”* a concert film of him in Vegas. Oy.

I love Elvis, I think everyone who knows me knows this, but come on! Why the later years? Why? Is it the same reason that people voted for the “old” Elvis stamp? Because both these things confuse me.

You want to watch some movies? Great! Here’s your list:

1. Elvis: ‘68 Come Back Special
2. King Creole
3. Jailhouse Rock
4. Follow That Dream

. . . . and I must admit I do actually enjoy “Double Trouble” but I recognize that it’s crap-tastic. Which is part of it’s charm, if you ask me. What? Bad movies can be great. I just object to the ones where he’s miserable, bloated and phoning it in. I’m weird like that.

*1 good point to this flick - Elvis says some girl “could suck the chrome off a Cadillac” and they try to cover it up with really bad dubbing. It makes me laugh. Why cover it? Elvis got laid a lot? The hell you say! I’m shocked!

Saturday, January 5, 2008

Dennis For President

"This is a struggle for the soul of the Democratic Party, which in too many cases has become so corporate and identified with corporate interests that you can't tell the difference between Democrats and Republicans." Dennis Kucinich

"War can be so impersonal yet when we put a name, a face, a place and match it to families, then war is not impersonal."Dennis Kucinich

"Everyone should have health insurance? I say everyone should have health care. I'm not selling insurance." Dennis Kucinich

"We must be the party that brings our troops home, we must be the party that causes us to work with the world community. ... It's time for America to reconnect with the world in a vision of peace.” Dennis Kucinich

"It is time for us to support our troops, ... And I say, 'Support our troops -- bring them home.' ” Dennis Kucinich

"And with respect to those who happen to be gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered...these are God's children. They should have the same rights. Our Constitution does not provide for any differences to be established. [It] doesn't provide for a two-tiered system of justice. Everyone should be equal under the law. So of course I support marriage equality for all." Dennis Kucinich

Friday, January 4, 2008

Bad Imitation is the Sincerest Form of Insult.

I wrote this at work today. It makes me laugh.

Paging Mr. Benchley or Whither, Fred?

“Fred,” she said
(she called him Fred),
“I think I should be better dead.

For life is music lacking beats….
Fame is flitting, fleeting…brief….
People dirty, stinking cheats
& time is but a stupid thief.

Whence that joy we find in youth?
Why are bastards so uncouth?
Where can one find strength to woo…
Let alone a lazy screw?”

“Oh, shut up, Mrs. Parker, do.”

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else.

OK. Decisions have been made.

I made a list of pros and cons. Pro - I do want to help people. Con - I’m a girl. A short girl. I’m not getting beaten up (or worse) for anybody. Pro - I love to travel. Con - I love my family and friends more and don’t even want to think about what I might miss if I’m living out of a suitcase.
So, basically, the cons were a lot more convincing than the pros. Let’s face facts. If it was working for a local based in Chicago I’d be packing right now. However, it’s the national which, again, means I go wherever and whenever they tell me. It’s Christmas? Your mothers birthday? One of your best friends is getting married? Sorry. Get on the bus! While I still believe in the unions (anybody who crosses the writer’s picket line will get no box office money from me ever again) I don’t think it’s for me. At least not right now.

On the upside! I’m starting my new job tomorrow. I’ll be working for Child Support Services. I’m happy I’ll be helping kids get the money they need. I’m ecstatic that I won’t be selling anything. Never again do I want to hear anybody say “It’s ABC, Adrienne. Always Be Closing!”. How can I take such a statement seriously? It’s not even proper English.

On the downside. It’s only a temporary assignment. So in six months I may be looking for another job. Or they may decide the office can’t live without me. Either way I think I’m good.