Monday, April 28, 2008

Effective Time Management Is Essential To Success.

Journal Entry 4/28/08

Today I went to work. I sat in my office. I thought of different escape routes for different emergency situations.

There are three exits. Two of those exits can also be used as points of entry for an assailant of some kind. I am not, naturally, including the floor to ceiling windows that could be kicked out in a pinch. After all, why be silly about it?

I am confident that I can now, if push comes to shove, be out of any area of the building within four to six minutes. That depends, of course, on how many people I have to shove out of the way. Which reminds me, I need to figure out who would make the best human shield. As my mother always says, proper pre-planning prevents piss poor performance.

This whole process took up about ten minutes. Bored for the rest of the day. Conclusion? It is vital that one use ones office downtime in a productive manner.

Friday, April 25, 2008

Conversations With . . . Vol. II


HIM: (yelling) Adrienne! No! Come on! You don’t believe in G-d!

ME: Yes, I do.

HIM: (Yelling) Adrienne! You believe there’s an invisible man in the sky?!

ME: Well, not a man . . . (contemplative) although I do always picture Mel Brooks dressed like a rabbi so --

HIM (cutting me off and, again, YELLING) You believe in an invisible man in the sky and you’re afraid of him!

ME: No. I’m not afr - -

HIM: (More cutting off & yet more YELLING) You’re afraid of him, just say it!

ME: (trying not to laugh so as to appear serious and not like I’m trying to get his voice to go to the next octave for my own amusement) I also believe in reincarnation.

HIM: (YELLING - loudest yet) JESUS!

Journaling Can Be Very Therapeutic

Journal Entry 4/25/08

Today I went to work. I sat in my office. I thought about poking my own eye out for kicks. Ya’ know, to liven things up.

But what, I wondered, would I use? The only thing that was a remote possibility was this pen and even that’s retractable so I’m unsure how well it would work. Also, what would I then use to write in my journal? A pencil?! What am I? Six?! I think not. So, obviously, I couldn’t poke my eye out.

Bored for the rest of the day. Conclusion? It’s always something.

Conversations WIth . . . Vol. I

My Mother

Note: During the following conversation my mother never looks up from the crossword she's doing.

ME: Ow! My neck frickin' hurts.

HER: You need to turn your head more.

ME: What?

HER: You're so short that you always have to look up at everything. Isn't your office chair set as high as it'll go?

ME: Yeah.

HER: And you still have to look up at your computer and, correct me if I'm wrong, you said your desk comes up to your chest.

ME: Uh hu.

HER: See? You need to turn your head from side to side during the day . . . . You're like a person in a wheelchair.

ME: (staring at her incredulously) What?

HER: They're always looking up too. I bet their necks hurt.

ME: So, what you're saying is that I'm so short that I'm disabled?

HER: Yep.

(I walk away.)

HER: (yelling after me) Or a midget! (laughs for a good five minutes)

Thursday, April 24, 2008

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. - Winston Churchill

Dr. Hugh Mercer, physician, soldier & patriot, practiced medicine and operated an apothecary shop from 1771 to 1776 in Fredericksburg, Virginia. Poor Dr. Mercer met his end as the result of wounds he recieved in the Revolutionary War at the Battle of Princeton. Many historians believe that, as a result of this, the vast majority of Virginians refuse to vacation in New Jersey to this very day. Most claim that although not too many people remember Dr. Mercer, per se, everyone can remember that to go to New Jersey means you may easily die a gruesome death, without benefit of modern medicine or comfortable hotel accomodations. This 18th century building, near the original site of Dr. Mercer's actual shop, displays surgical instruments and typical pharmaceuticals of the period and was once, in the early 1990's widely known for the lively, robust performance of a much loved teenaged docent who, with her never ending supply of wit and charm, led many a sunburned and foot sore tourist to a new understanding of the wonders of the common leech.

Monday, April 21, 2008

(At Long Last) Erin's Post As Requested

As you could, most likely, tell by the fact that it took me so long to do this post it’s difficult for me to write about my mother. I am very protective of her. Not that I have anything bad to say about her, you understand, but I was raised to believe that what happens in the family stays in the family. We firmly believe in omerta. The rule of silence. If something happens to one of us then it happens to all of us and we’ll take care of it. There isn’t, as far as we can see, any reason to involve outsiders.

So, obviously, to me, saying anything substantive about her seems almost like a betrayal. Even if, as is the case most of the time, it’s good. I have so many great stories and memories of and with my mother. I love her beyond anything. That being said, the woman is a nut.
She is. Don’t doubt this. I can prove it.

Have you met me? Yes? Well, we’re almost exactly alike…alright, fine, she’s taller. I said “almost”, didn’t I? People don’t believe me when I tell them this. I don’t know why. I did not spring, full grown, from the head of Zeus. Somebody made me. Well, a lot of people made me, actually, it takes a village to raise a Dark Fury. But, for the most part, it has always been just me and my mother since the beginning. Since before the beginning.

My parents broke up when my mother was pregnant with me. She was twenty-one and, even if I say it myself, I think she did a great job. Ya’ know, considering what she had to work with. And I think the thing that really amazes me is that my mother thinks I’m brave. She says it all the time. She tells me that I am braver than she is. How so? I have no idea. Well, I do know what she’s talking about, as it happens, but that’s neither here nor there. How can anything I’ve been “brave” about even compare to being a separated twenty-one year old woman with a baby on the way? It can’t. I am not brave. I just suck it up and do what needs doing. I learned that from her. She doesn’t see that. She’s blind as three bats. . . and a nut.
Next? Come on, people. Batter up!

Friday, April 18, 2008

....And The Word Was "List"....

1. Your middle name? Michael Dulany

2. Your favorite color? Green

3. Your birth month? May

4. Do you think everyone should act their age? Fuck no…act older!

5. Would you rather live in a mansion or cottage? I’d rather live in a shotgun shack, seriously.

6. Is your home perfectly spotless or lived in? Are there any other options?

7. Do you love your life? Sometimes

8. Do you want kids? Yes

9. Are you in a relationship? No

10. Do you have a soul mate? Yes but, sadly, he’s a goatherd in outer Mongolia so it’s doomed. Doomed!

11. City life or country life? Either, I just hate the suburbs.

12. Sports or theater? Neither. I'll take Theatre, thank you.

13. Books or movies? What is this, Sophie’s Choice?! I can’t choose and you can’t make me!

14. Poetry or Music? Music

15. Dinners out or at home? Depends on my mood

16. Romantic is a walk in the woods or on the beach? Either or neither depending on with whom one walks.

17. Home in the Mountains or on the Beach? Beach…no! Mountains…no! Beach….oh, cripes.

18. Mornings or nights? Nights

19. Is the glass half full or half empty? Either way it’s time for a refill.

20. Coffee or tea? Tea

21. Beer or Soda? Soda

22. An energy drink or juice? Juice

23. Are you the Driver or passenger? Passenger

24. Are you the Leader or follower? I'm a very submissive person, so...yeah. I didn't buy it either.

25. Are you pessimistic or optimistic? I’m a realist…so, pessimistic, I suppose.

26. Save the Whales or Save the Rainforest? The Polar Bears

27. If given the option, would you give money or food? Food

28. Would you give someone a second chance? How badly did they fuck up and how close were we to begin with? Not so bad and/or we‘re quite close? Sure. Horrible and/or I didn‘t care about the person to begin with? Dead to me!

29. What’s the hardest thing for you to give? Cash

30. Why?
Because I don't have any? And, if I may, duh.

31. Honesty even if it hurts or a white lie to make them feel better? Depends on the situation. Bad hair cut? Honesty. Ugly baby? White lie.

32. What’s the one thing that really sets you off? Injustice and bad movies

33. Tough love or forgiveness? Both. The iron fist in a velvet glove.

34. One for all or All for one? One for all

35. What’s your top regret? I think not.

36. What’s the one thing you would change about your life? I’d be Swedish…regrets, I’ve had a few…

37. What’s the one thing you would like people to know about yourself? My name isn’t Andrea, Andra or Audrey Anne.

38. What’s one thing you would change about yourself? I’d never be early. It's annoying.

39. What do you think of the phrase "Good Intentions"? The road to hell is paved with them. Do the right thing or don't. Up to you.

40. Do you believe in love? Yes

41. Can love die? No.

42. Is love blind? No. You don’t love people despite their flaws you love them because of them. Otherwise we’d all be A) the same, B) boring and C) screwed.

43. Whats the one thing you could never forgive? Disloyalty or hurting any of my family or friends. You murdered some stranger?! I'm sure they had it comin'.

44. Do you believe in second chances? Um, didn’t we cover this or am I psychic?

What Do You Get The Girl Who Has Everything?

So, I hate to say it* but it's almost my birthday. I was born in 19*mumblemumblesnortcough*, a very good year.

If anybody is wondering what to get me (presents are, of course, not necessary but always most appreciated) I direct you to my or lists. Just sayin'.

*Not really.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

If It Weren't For Bad Luck . . .

I'd have no luck at all. Well, fine, not exactly true. I did have a bit of luck this morning. My car died in my driveway instead of on the road. Sweet!

Oy. Well, if I had perfect luck how would I know I was Irish? Oh, wait. . . .

Ding. Dang!

Oh, well, at least I had some left over pho to eat for breakfast. See? Things are lookin' up all the time!

EDITED TO ADD: It needed a new battery. Of course! I swear my car is now, officially, brand new. Oh, wait! First I'd need to paint it but, other than that? Brand spankin' new!

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Cheese. Is There Anything It Can't Do?

Can the worst day be made better by cheese? Strangely enough, yes!

Where to begin? Where. To. Begin?

Well, let’s start with the fact that I was sick like a dog Sunday and Monday and go from there, shall we? Let’s! So, I was sick. I called out from work on Monday and went back today. What did I come back to? A meeting with the big boss and all the other contract workers telling us that none of us, let me say it again, none of us were sent down from the main office to go any further in the hiring process for full time positions. Basically, we were told that the main office in Richmond thinks we’re unqualified to do the work we already do. Seriously? Hu. Well, fancy that! You want to see unqualified? I can give ya’ unqualified! However, as upset as we were we weren’t as angry as our supervisor who was cursing up a storm which, it must be said, was kind of hysterical. So, we’ve all decided that until the contract is up we’re on a slow down. Also, I’m taking off for my birthday. I already made a good impression and where did it get me? Nowhere fast. The hell with them!

The day got decidedly better after work when I went to get a massage from Olivia. Yes, it hurt but in a good way (insert your own dirty joke here). Then we went over to Erin & Jonathon’s for dinner. G-d bless Mexican food and chocolate fondue! Love it! After gorging ourselves we watched “The Biggest Loser”…that’s called irony.

Now I’m not even upset about the job anymore. I’m just wondering what I’ll do next. Also, why is it that people tell me when I leave a job that it’s G-d’s way of telling me to go back to acting? If it is He’s being too subtle. I have AS! I’m a very literal person. I need a big sign! Like hitting lotto, for instance.

Ah, the hell with it! What I really want to do is find someone to split a cabin with so I can go on Elisa and Jay’s wedding cruise. My standards have lowered. I’ll even go steerage, ya’ know, the cheap(er) interior rooms. I need the ocean.

So, in conclusion, if you know of a place that’s hiring or someone I can split a cruise with let a bitch know. ‘Kay? Thanks!

EDITED TO ADD: Erin, due to the slow down, your post will be written tomorrow. You've been (kind of) patient. Well done!

Monday, April 14, 2008

Finally, A Bit Of Bloody Justice!

It has just come to my attention that Craig Ferguson beat Conan O'Brian in the ratings for the first time recently. At last! Justice. I deep down love this mans show. Hell! I lurve him. Yeah. That's right! I said it! What?

Well, now we're just getting silly.

If you're unfamiliar with his work just look to the right. What's not to love? And he's super cute, no? Watch it!

“If you're frightened of leprechauns, the best thing to do is to get yourself a little leprechaun outfit and see how big they are. And then you'll go, 'Well I see. That's like bein' frightened of a hampster.'” - Craig Ferguson

"This is my first week as an American citizen. It's amazing. Now I can vote in the general election- and for American Idol." - Craig Ferguson

"I think I'll be Scottish in every movie I write. They always try to talk me out of it, but Woody Allen is always a nebbish New Yorker. Why shouldn't I be a goofy Glaswegian?" - Craig Ferguson

"I haven't had a drink in thirteen years, but occasionally I'm tempted to have one beer. The problem is that if I have that one beer, I wake up in Tijuana four days later with a tattoo and a sore ass." - Craig Ferguson

EDITED TO ADD: His book is great as well. Loved it! "Between the Bridge & the River" - Buy it. Fuck the library. Buy the bastard.

“For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?” Jack Handy

The more he thought about it, the more convinced Dr. Thadeous Mattalson became that he had at last discovered that which had eluded scientific man-kind for generations. Yes, but how to get top dollar for it, that was the question on Thadeous' mind now. Science for science's sake was all very well when he was just a fledgling but now, with a wife and four eggs about to hatch, Thadeous could use some ready cash and his discovery of Alkahest should be the way to get it!

Unfortunately, Thadeous was all too familiar with the pitfalls of the open market. He'd been just a lad when his own father, Vladimir, had cornered the world supply of soporiferous son et lumiere, just as the public began it's love affair with hot jazz and bathtub gin. What a disaster. All the family's vast fortune tied up in what had become, overnight, a drag on the market. Yes, Thadeous knew there was a new fortune to be made with Alkahest but was the time right to release it on the consuming public and where could he get the money for the first fifty info-mercials?

These were the questions that would, dare one say it, drive him mad!

Saturday, April 12, 2008

I Am An Idiot . . . Act Surprised!

I just took a lemon/sour cream cake out of the oven. In 10 minutes I need to turn it out. I hate that part. I live in fear of it not coming out of the pan smoothly.

Also, it just occured to me that when you're making up a recipe as you go along a party might not be the best time to try it out.


I have a panic disorder brought on by cake. Don't judge me!

Happy Birthday, Olivia!

From your "Scottish Husband" . . .
& Your country of choice!
Evil Scotsman
by Billy Connolly

"If your looking for trouble,
You're in the right place,Don't look at me like that, or I'll headbutt your face
I'm a mean motherfucker,
I was born that way,
and just because I wear a skirt don't think I'm fuckin' gay.
Cause I'm an evil scotsman,and Jimmy is my name,
I'm a sheep shagger from Aberdeen,and causing pain is my game."
Co` latha breith sona dhuibh! (Happ Birthday! [or so I'm told])

Next year in (your) Holy Land!