Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Oh, well. I shall have to type it out for you.
"If Clinton had did his job and took Oboma out during his administration 9/11/2001 would not have happened. USS Cole, the 1st bombing of the World Trade Center, US Embassy in Africa and Saudi Arabia all happened on his watch while he was having sex in our White House. Get Educated!"
Open Letter To The Lady (I assume from the writing) Who Wrote The Above:
For you to be so angered by a few bumper stickers that you felt the need to write a note I have to assume that you are, in some way, attached to the military or attached to one of it's soldiers. I want to be clear, I support our troops. The official death toll reached 4000 in March of this year. In April it was at a seven month high. Things are not getting better. I support our troops. I support their families.
I don't want anybody put in harms way for an illegal war. I say bring them home. Let them watch their kids grow up. A lot of them are kids themselves. They are so young they haven't even begun. Let them live their lives. Let them live. Bring them home.
I recommend you, and everybody, visit the following site - http://www.vaiw.org/ (Veterans Against The Iraq War).
That being said, and I do mean every word, I must take issue with the following points of your missive.
A. "...had did"? Really? I'm going to call that a gimmee Mrs. Anonymous Angry Person.
B. Oboma? Who the hell is that? I think you were trying to write Obama but, even then, you're wrong.
C. USS Cole -
Do you really expect President Clinton to capture and convict anyone in one month? Hu. President Bush has had how many years and trillions of dollars to capture Bin Laden? Oh, wait. I’m sorry. We don’t have standards for him. My bad. Well, that’s a good thing. Because the only confession they got for that was from a man who was tortured under the Bush regime. Yeah. That’s right. Regime. Did we want to give anybody more martyrs? Hu. That’s a stellar idea. Wait. Hold on. No. It's not.
D. The first WTC attack -
Ramzi Ahmed Yousef, the leader of this attack, was captured in 1995 and sentenced to 240 years in prison. A few more were captured and also sentenced. One man is at large and believed to be hiding in Baghdad. Um, has Bush captured him? No. Again, good thing you don’t have standards for him.
E. US Embassy In Africa -
President Clinton ordered missile strikes to try to not capture but kill Bin Laden in 1998. Republicans, in an effort to keep our country safe from oral sex, accused him of trying to manufacture a crisis to get attention away from the Lewinsky scandal.
PS? Four conspirators were captured & sentenced to life without parole. True, there are, I believe, 15 (I’m rocky on the exact number) who remain at large.
F. Saudi Arabia -
I can only assume you're talking about the attack on Khobar Towers which was used as military housing. The Saudis arrested 13 Saudis and a Lebanese chemist but didn’t allow US agents to question them. Where are they now? Has Bush used his “close” relationship with the Saudi royal family to have them extradited? No. They’re still in Saudi custody even though they were convicted by grand jury in 2001. US agents haven’t even been allowed access to question them as yet. What kind of information might they have? I guess we’ll never know.
G. Yes, President Clinton had sex in our White House. So? Most presidents have. Warren G. Harding, Franklin D. Roosevelt and, of course, John F. Kennedy to name three. I say, again, so what? That, my friend, is between them, their wives and their G-d. It's not my business. Nor, I feel I must point out, is it yours.
In conclusion, I believe in your right to express your opinion. I also believe you're wrong. Ain't America grand?
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Today I saw him again at the gym. I almost said hi but then I thought what? What am I going to say? Hey, remember that time when I was a bitch to you? ‘Member that? That was awesome! So, needless to say, I did not say hello.
The point, if I may be permitted to believe I have one, is what the hell is wrong with me? I can talk to anybody. I am, I flatter myself, quite the social butterfly. I can shoot the breeze with anybody about anything. Unless, of course, it’s a man I’m attracted to.
If I’m not attracted to a man I can make him think I believe the sun shines out of his ass. This, most likely, explains why I’ve made out with at least two men I had no interest in. What? I hate to be rude. Don’t judge me. Did I sleep with them? No. Good manners can go too far.
Obviously I can at times speak to men I find attractive. Sometimes I am on a roll. I am the party and the party don’t stop! There we come to the second and, possibly larger, problem. I am funny. No. I am Funny. Capital “F”. I can’t make myself be less funny. Not for my own good. Not for some dude. Because, let us be frank, the essential difference between men and women is that women want a a funny man but men want a woman with a good sense of humor.
You think they’re the same? Wrong! If somebody is funny then they make you laugh. If somebody has a good sense of humor (to you, it’s subjective after all) then that means that either you find the same things funny or that they find you funny. Think about it. You see? Not the same. Different.
These are the reasons why I will, most likely, end up adopting a little girl from Asia . I shall name her Inga. Don’t worry, you’re all invited to the Bat Mitzvah.
Sunday, May 25, 2008
A. Attached or Single - Single
B. Best Friend(s) - Olivia
C. Cake or Pie - Cake
D. Day of Choice - January 20, 2009
E. Essential Item - Sunglasses & Sun Block
F. Flavor of Ice Cream - Strawberry, Vanilla or Baskin Robins Mint Chip
G. Gummy Bears or Worms - Neither
H. Hometown - Fredericksburg, VA
I. Indulgences - Sleeping, Shopping For Books, Cooking
J. January or July- January
K. Kids - in the future
L. Last movie I saw in a theater - P.S. I Love You (I think)
(M is Missing in Action)
N. Number of siblings - Zero
O. Oranges or Apples - Oranges
P. Phobias or Fears - Dentists, Spiders, Heights, Clowns, Being Served Crab Accidentally
Q. Quote - "This is why we can’t have nice things”
R. Reasons to smile - Dogs, Horses, Friends, Family, Craig Ferguson, Mike Myers
S. Season - Spring & Fall
T. Tag 4 - Everybody has been tagged.
U. Unknown fact about me - I hate most perfumes and scented candles.
V. Vegetarian or oppressor of Animals - Oppressor.
W. Worst Habit - Smoking, Biting My Nails, Grinding My Teeth
X. X-rays or Ultrasounds - Which would I rather have? X-ray, I guess. Weirdo.
Y. Your favorite Food - Green Peas, Strawberries, My Grandmother’s Beef Stew, Okra, Waffles, Anything I Haven’t cooked because after spending hours with something I just don’t want to eat it. I’m weird.
Z. Zodiac - Taurus
Thursday, May 22, 2008
There was something inspirational about those little windows all filled with good food and they never judged you harshly, even if you didn't have a quarter for the large lemon tart. How kind everyone was toiling away back there filling up the pot roast window, making sure the tuna salad sandwich hadn't gone too limp, and where would she be without their unlimited tea service? It was all so comforting somehow. It made Viduity think that things might turn out alright after all.
This is, of course, a totally irrational fear. My current dentist (we won’t even speak of my first dentist who was a bad man and should rot in hell) and her staff have never been anything but kind to me. They are always very understanding of my phobia. They’re lovely people. I fear them like they were the reincarnation of Mengele.
I’m just going in for an exam tomorrow to see how badly I’ve chipped my tooth. Basically, it’s x-rays. They asked me, smart people, if I needed to be sedated. Yes, I thought, of course! And not that twilight crap either. I want a full on morphine drip with a xanax chaser! But I said that no, I believed I could handle it. Then I laughed in a self deprecating manner.
Humiliation is a great motivator to courage.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Regardless! I spent an hour twisting like a pretzel. It didn’t suck . . and by that I mean it was fantastic.
Who knew I have kind of good balance? Not me. I fall down when I’m standing still. We won’t even talk about walking and chewing gum. People have gotten injured on that one. OK. Fine. We talked about it. I’m sorry. I had a picture in my head of me falling over and starting a domino effect around the room. While that would have been funny (and we all know I’ll humiliate myself for a laugh) it didn’t happen.
I think I finally found an exercise that I enjoy. Weird. Well, not so much. I enjoy anything I can do in bare feet.
This is not to say that it wasn’t wicked hard. It was. Oh, yes. It was. But in a good way (insert your own dirty joke as I’m tired). I shall be there again next week at 6:30 sharp. I encourage everyone who is a member of AMFAM to join me.
The plus? I hear Pilates makes you taller. If I keep it up I may hit 5’2”.
Dare I dream?
Monday, May 19, 2008
Today I went to work. I sat in my office. I thought about nothing. At least I tried to think about nothing.
It's more difficult to think of nothing than you'd think. When you try to make your mind a total blank odd thoughts seem to pop out of nowhere. Well, out of your subconscious, obviously, but they seem to come from nowhere.
For example, why can't dogs eat grapes? I heard that on Animal Planet last night. It was the only part of the program I heard and, at the time, I didn't think about it. Now, however, I want to know. Why not?
Did they mean that dogs shouldn't eat grapes? This seems more likely as my last dog ate grapes all the time. So, clearly, dogs can eat grapes. It's physically possible.
If they meant they shouldn't eat grapes I ask, again, why not? Is there a secret chemical that only vets know about that dogs can't digest? My dog could. Was she a wonder pup? She was dumb as ditch water (I know the expression is actually dull as ditch water but I don't care) so maybe it was a Wile E. Coyote thing. Maybe as long as she didn't know they were bad for her they couldn't hurt her. It's a mystery.
I was interrupted at around 1:30 and lost my train of thought. Bored for the rest of the day. Conclusion? A healthy intellectual curiosity is important in keeping your thought processes nimble.
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 - May 20) This can be a wonderful day as your key planet, Venus, trines optimistic Jupiter. Instead of thinking about all the things that might go wrong, take the good times as they come now. Don't worry; there really is no astrological reason to be afraid of what comes next in your life. Does that mean you don’t have any reason in the real, actual world not to worry? Ha! Hell no. However, we’re just concerned with the astrological. So good luck with that, we’ll check ya’ later!
Gemini Horoscope (May 21 - Jun 20) An unexpected event today can pull you into an emotional situation and at first you may be less than comfortable. At another time you might lightheartedly avoid this profound kind of interaction; now, however, you are more than ready to take it on. Your involvement with others on a heart-centered level will supply you with a deeper sense of joy and enduring gratitude than that time you backed over that old lady in the Piggly Wiggly parking lot. That was good times and all but this heart centered stuff is where it’s at!
Cancer Horoscope (June 21 - Jul 22) Even if you continue to ride the waves of unexpressed feelings that come to the surface, they aren't sufficient to lure you away from a very sweet experience. You must stay open to the love that is all around you for the best things to happen. And if you're fearful, just keep in mind that you have every reason to be. Life is pain. Hope kills. Most marriages end in divorce. War. Famine. Plague. You get the idea but, on the up side, we’re sure your life will be different…maybe.
Leo Horoscope (Jul 23 - Aug 22) Excellent news might come your way today, but you have to be receptive to the message or it will pass you by unnoticed. The rewards at work can now be less emotional than practical. You might even be lucky enough to receive an unexpected cash windfall. Don't attempt to control the positive flow of events; just lay back and enjoy. Swim around in the positive vibes till you get all pruney then jump out and canon ball back in.
Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 - Sep 22) Even if you are anxious about your feelings, it's healthier to express them than to keep them to yourself. Although this may go against your natural inclination, take a chance. Beware; once you begin to share, it may be difficult to stop. All those emotions that you usually bottle up, because they’re messy and gross, will come oozing to the surface. So, for G-d’s sake, go into hiding till this whole thing passes. Unless, of course, you want to scare the bejesus out of people then go to town!
Libra Horoscope (Sep 23 - Oct 22) It seems as if everything will turn out for the best, for your key planet, Venus, is harmonizing with expansive Jupiter and encouraging you to indulge in your senses. This isn't a day to be lazy and wait for something to happen. Go out of your way to manifest the beauty that you touch in your space of dreams. Or, barring that, rip off the ideas from HGTV. They’re so simple! As long as you have a glue gun, a staple gun, a jigsaw, a spare fourteen thousand dollars and a week to a month to do a project. See? Easy peasy!
Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 - Nov 21) Even in the most difficult situations, your attitude remains the key to your happiness. Material success, however, can be a problem, but don't let your goals get in your way. Do whatever makes you feel good about yourself now and the money will follow. There still may be feelings that need to be shared; express them with abundant love. Don't push too hard. Still, some people are pretty dumb so you might have to push a little harder than you might like. Well, not harder than you like. You, after all, are a pretty violent personality. So, let’s just say you should push hard enough to get the point across but not so hard that you do permanent damage. Is that safe? Oh, we hope we haven’t become involved in what is sure to be a pro-longed legal struggle! Damn.
Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 - Dec 21) Your ruling planet, Jupiter, receives a lovely touch of sensuality today from Venus the Lover. Even if you had a hard time recently, it will be difficult for you to be negative now. Others, too, will be more optimistic while in your presence. And, for this reason, they might seek you out, putting you on the most wanted list -- not for punishment, but rather for fun and games. Which might, now that we think about it, include punishment. Hey! We aren’t here to judge. You do what you like. That’s between you, your partner, the goat and your G-d! Just hide the video tape. Lots of stuff is still illegal you know. Better safe than sorry.
Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 - Jan 19) You may be temporarily released from a stressful work situation because your coworkers and superiors suddenly see you as more graceful and charming than before. You are eager to encourage everyone else and now your optimism is reflected back toward you. Don't dally; initiate action that involves groups, for your people skills are now supported by an acute sense of good timing. This will pass after the new moon passes through Jupiter in about - - -oops! Ya’ missed it! Slow poke. Is that your boss bellowing your name? Damn. Bet you wish you’d checked your horoscope earlier, don’t ya’?
Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 - Feb 18) You may be able to get away with something now, but don't push your luck too far or your day could implode. If you do go overboard, it will come back at you very quickly. Give yourself permission to receive the love that you desire, without greedily taking more than is available. Your eyes, remember, are bigger most of the time than your stomach. Or any other organ you’d like to think of. Two or three at a time is enough for anybody outside of Caligula so calm down and just remember what happened to him. Ew.
Pisces Horoscope (Feb 19 - Mar 20) Unexpected events might have recently shocked you awake and today it's time to regroup, relax and recuperate. Enjoy your freedom as you open your heart to the positive energy and the encouragement that is now coming your way. Receive the good news without resistance. Opportunity may be knocking at your door, but it takes your participation to make something important happen. So open the door. Don’t be such a putz! What? You’re too good to talk to your neighbors? You’re in hiding from INS? What? Open the damn door. And, while we’re at it, seek treatment for your obvious agoraphobia. They have medication for that now! Jeez. Read a pamphlet some time!
Friday, May 16, 2008
Today I went to work. I sat in my office. I listened to a co-worker, who will be married in a matter of days, talk about vows, love and commitment. As my mind wandered I recalled that a friend of mine told me once that all love is conditional. While, at the time, I found that to be a sad and cynical statement (and coming from me that means something) I decided today that this was, in fact, the smartest piece of philosophy I’d ever heard.
I made a list of deal breakers. Even if I loved someone enough to give them two kidneys the following would end that love immediately. Full stop.
1. Needing new kidneys. Honestly! Why were they so careless with the first two? This is why we can’t have nice things.
2. Enjoying the musical stylings of Robert Goulet not for it’s funny kitsch value but as an artist.
3. Encouraging any child of mine to play football. I would never be with a man who Loved (capital “L”) football. Therefore, at some point, they have fooled me into believing that they either hate it or are just fond of it. This is called fraud.
4. Eating and enjoying Miracle Whip.
5. You hate Elvis? You’re dead to me. I can accept this flaw in my friends but in my own home? How dare you, sir?
This list took ten seconds. Bored for the rest of the day. Conclusion? One must have ones standards.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Him: Tangled webs deceive!
Him: Tangled webs deceive. It's Shakespeare.
What I WANTED to say: No. It's not. Nowhere, in any of his myriad works, did Shakespeare write that tangled webs deceive. Not once. I promise. Sir Walter Scott did write "oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." The two are quite different. Seriously.
And, while we're having this little chat, I'd also like to point out that you misquote Shakespeare all the time. Every day. Every. Single. Day. I wish this to cease. At once, if you would be so kind. I would also like, if I may, to assure you that the following statements you have made over the past few weeks are also incorrect.
A. Hamlet never said "alas, poor Yorick, I knew him well." "Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio, a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy. " That is the line and it isn't, as you seem to assume, suitable to every occasion.
B. Romeo and Juliet did not live "happily ever after". Spoiler Alert! They didn't live. Period.
And last but by no means least,
C. Shakespeare did not, let me be perfectly clear on this point as, if you take nothing else from this conversation, you must learn this, live in Victorian England. Unless, of course, he was a time traveler and, even then, he would have been more of a tourist and not, as you assert, a subject of Her Majesty Victoria Regina.
What I ACTUALLY said: Hu.
Then I walked away.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
"We had two bags of grass, seventy-five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high-powered blotter acid, a saltshaker half-full of cocaine, and a whole galaxy of multi-colored uppers, downers, laughers, screamers... Also, a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of beer, a pint of raw ether, and two dozen amyls. Not that we needed all that for the trip, but once you get locked into a serious drug collection, the tendency is to push it as far as you can. The only thing that really worried me was the ether. There is nothing in the world more helpless and irresponsible and depraved than a man in the depths of an ether binge, and I knew we'd get into that rotten stuff pretty soon. "
"Let's get down to brass tacks. How much for the ape?"
"What kind of rat bastard psychotic would play that song right now, at this moment? "
Friday, May 9, 2008
Today I went on a job interview. I was asked, by the nice lady in the pink suit, if I speak Spanish. I said I can speak a little Spanish. She said that was good because they have a lot of Latinos in the community. But she didn’t say La-teen-os or Lah-teen-os. She said Latin-os. The interview came to an end.
Today, after the interview, I went to work. I sat in my office. My mind wandered.
I thought about Latin-O’s the new breakfast cereal from Quaker. They could have so many flavors. Cassava. . . . Guava . . . Chicharron. . . .The possibilities are endless. I think that unbeknownst to me I was in the room with a great innovator today. Conclusion? Always carry a notebook so you can write down all your great ideas. She didn't and now I get to steal it.
Latin-O’s! Theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey’re Bueno!
Thursday, May 8, 2008
When in her cups, Mother used to say darkly that anyone who had known CeeCee at all well wouldn't even raise the question.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Can’t sleep. Can’t sleep. Can’t. Bloody. Sleep.
The worst part is that due to this fact I’m watching horrible movies. Truly. Not just funny bad but baaaad bad . When will it end? Why me, Lord?
Since Monday I’ve watched the following. Feel my pain.
Life After Tomorrow -
Interviews with women who were in either the Broadway or road company of Annie. Apparently it really fucked them up.
Bonus: “Tomorrow” stuck in my head for about 8 hours.
Trembling Before G-d -
Interviews of gay people who were brought up Hasidic Jews and either came out or live in the closet. Apparently it really fucked them up.
Bonus: The English guy was in the closet? Seriously? Wait. Hold on. For reallsies? If you say so.
Motel Niagara -
Can’t even explain it. It’s vignettes! Oy.
Bonus: Craig Ferguson is good even when he’s given about 10 minutes of screen time.
Vomit Inducing Rock-Opera
You can’t hear me scream so I can’t explain how much I dislike this thing.
Bonus: “…for people with AIDs. People like me.” “Me too.”
“Take your AZT.”
“Your own blood cells betray…”
Wait. Does one of the characters have HIV? I’m sorry. It’s too subtle for me. Oy. I hate when I get hit over the head with a theme. Just sayin’.
Rock Bottom: Gay Men & Meth -
Interviews of men who are current or recovering meth addicts. I’ve seen it before but I was bored so I watched it again.
Bonus: No bonus. Just sad.
The Watcher -
Psycho killer follows psycho cop to new city in order to torture him.
Bonus: Keanu Reeves & James Spader are pretty. So pretty.
Oh, shit. Rent is on. I have to go kick the screen in.
Monday, May 5, 2008
So, are we surprised that seeing a beat up old 80’s wreck of a car on the side of the road makes me happy? Not weird yet? OK. How about the driver standing outside of the vehicle being interrogated by a police officer? No? Did I mention the man being “interviewed” was screaming and gesticulating wildly? No, but you still aren’t impressed….Oh! I forgot to tell you! The gentleman was wearing a too small t-shirt and underpants and, no. Wait. That’s all he was wearing.
Not particularly attractive underpants.
All I heard, as I drove by, was the loon…I mean gentleman screaming “my girlfriend!”
Here’s what I think happened -
Earlier this afternoon the gentleman, surprised by the beautiful weather, was extraordinarily warm. Sadly, the AC in his trailer was on the fritz! Oh, how warm he got. Finally, cranky and itchy from the heat, he couldn’t stand it anymore! He called his girlfriend, LoRetty, to ask if he could come over to her place and enjoy her AC. Unfortunately, LoRetty didn’t answer. Remembering that she had dropped her phone at the meth lab they had visited earlier in the week and that it was probably still wonky from the chemicals he decided to drive over and see if she was home. On the way there who should he see walking down the road? LoRetty! He called out to her as he pulled over. She turned and, not recognizing him due to her poor eye sight, walked over to the car and leaned into the window to see if she could recognize him. After establishing that it was in fact her boyfriend she reminded him that he still owed her his half of the meth money from the aforementioned drug run. As he handed her the money from the glove box a police car pulled up behind them! The flashing of the lights startled poor LoRetty who scampered off, like a young gazelle, across the field and into the woods. The officer, misinterpreting the situation as those suspicious people tend to do, asked the gentleman to step out of the vehicle. At this point our unfortunate hero realized that he had been so crazy from the lack of sweet cool air that he had neglected to put on his pants!
Oh, the humanity!
Sunday, May 4, 2008
ME: Thanks for your kind birthday wishes . . . .
DAVEY: How old are you?
ME: Rude! 33...shut it!
DAVEY: Oh my G-d! Happy birthday…I guess. You’re another year older. Congratulations.
ME: I believe the phrase you’re looking for is “happy birthday, Adrienne. Many happy returns of the day!” That’s just a guess.
DAVEY: Happy Birthday!
ME: Why, thank you…I guess. At least I look a lot younger than some people. A. Lot.
DAVEY: You look younger than who? Who’s grey? Hmmmm?
ME: Who has wrinkles? A box of hair dye or botox. That is the question!
DAVEY: Character lines, thank you!
ME: My bad.
1. Birthday presents:
A. A massage from Blonde Justice so that I could, ya’ know, move and breathe. Lord love her!
B. Dorothy Parker martini glasses from Retainer Girl. I’m using them right now. Well, one of them.
C. Last, but by no means least, a kick ass poster of all our super hero identities done by Sarah from Red Fire. (I may now have to write a comic book. As long as we can get Sarah to ink it!) It bloody rules! I’ll post a picture of it as soon as I get one.
2. Cake! Not just any cake but a cake made to look like me by Elisa. It also rocked. I didn’t like to cut it. It was a trifle weird. But I hear it was delicious! So, whatever, hack me to bits!
3. Driving up to DC listening to intentional tone deaf singing.
4. Being told “Surprise!” three times before I got that it was a surprise party. What? I’m easily confused. Don’t judge me.
5. Meeting new people - always a bit stressful but what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger and everyone was funny and lovely.
6. Mint juleps. Never again. ½ was too much but I appreciate the thought.
7. Absinthe. Hu. I hate licorice. Loathe it. Yet, for some reason, while the first taste is really quite offensive, it does have a rather compelling after taste. Would I drink tumblers full? No. A sip here and there? Bring it.
8. Giving out dollar bills and the occasional bit of change. What? Rent is expensive in DC. I’m a giver. Besides, wee Stu needs the money for dancing lessons.
9. Listening to a song about me that consisted of two words repeated over and over again. Every Mozart has to start somewhere, Emre, don't worry.
10. Hanging out with my friends, whom I adore!
Pictures to follow, I'm sure, at some point.
Love you all to bits, mean it!
Thursday, May 1, 2008
A. Shake yo money makers.
B. Shake it like you were shakin' it fo some paper.
After all, it took yo mama nine months to make ya', so, you might as well shake what yo mama gave ya'.
Thanks in advance!
Yours in Christ,
Post Script - Feel free as well to jump around. Jump around. Jump up. Jump up and get down, also.
Post Post Script - Thanks for all the fun posts about, well, me!