"I have a fine sense of the ridiculous, but no sense of humor.” - E. Albee

A little over a year ago, while I was still at insurance hell, I was standing in an elevator when an attractive man got on. The only one in the whole building it should be noted. I proceeded to make an ass out of myself when he spoke to me. It was a bad day and I was in a bad mood. It was bad. There was badness. We spoke a few times after that but, let me be clear, it was still bad. Comprende?

Today I saw him again at the gym. I almost said hi but then I thought what? What am I going to say? Hey, remember that time when I was a bitch to you? ‘Member that? That was awesome! So, needless to say, I did not say hello.

The point, if I may be permitted to believe I have one, is what the hell is wrong with me? I can talk to anybody. I am, I flatter myself, quite the social butterfly. I can shoot the breeze with anybody about anything. Unless, of course, it’s a man I’m attracted to.

If I’m not attracted to a man I can make him think I believe the sun shines out of his ass. This, most likely, explains why I’ve made out with at least two men I had no interest in. What? I hate to be rude. Don’t judge me. Did I sleep with them? No. Good manners can go too far.

Obviously I can at times speak to men I find attractive. Sometimes I am on a roll. I am the party and the party don’t stop! There we come to the second and, possibly larger, problem. I am funny. No. I am Funny. Capital “F”. I can’t make myself be less funny. Not for my own good. Not for some dude. Because, let us be frank, the essential difference between men and women is that women want a a funny man but men want a woman with a good sense of humor.

You think they’re the same? Wrong! If somebody is funny then they make you laugh. If somebody has a good sense of humor (to you, it’s subjective after all) then that means that either you find the same things funny or that they find you funny. Think about it. You see? Not the same. Different.

These are the reasons why I will, most likely, end up adopting a little girl from Asia . I shall name her Inga. Don’t worry, you’re all invited to the Bat Mitzvah.

Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege. - Anon.

I love random weirdness. Love. It. If you know me at all then you know this.

So, are we surprised that seeing a beat up old 80’s wreck of a car on the side of the road makes me happy? Not weird yet? OK. How about the driver standing outside of the vehicle being interrogated by a police officer? No? Did I mention the man being “interviewed” was screaming and gesticulating wildly? No, but you still aren’t impressed….Oh! I forgot to tell you! The gentleman was wearing a too small t-shirt and underpants and, no. Wait. That’s all he was wearing.

Not particularly attractive underpants.

All I heard, as I drove by, was the loon…I mean gentleman screaming “my girlfriend!”

Here’s what I think happened -

Earlier this afternoon the gentleman, surprised by the beautiful weather, was extraordinarily warm. Sadly, the AC in his trailer was on the fritz! Oh, how warm he got. Finally, cranky and itchy from the heat, he couldn’t stand it anymore! He called his girlfriend, LoRetty, to ask if he could come over to her place and enjoy her AC. Unfortunately, LoRetty didn’t answer. Remembering that she had dropped her phone at the meth lab they had visited earlier in the week and that it was probably still wonky from the chemicals he decided to drive over and see if she was home. On the way there who should he see walking down the road? LoRetty! He called out to her as he pulled over. She turned and, not recognizing him due to her poor eye sight, walked over to the car and leaned into the window to see if she could recognize him. After establishing that it was in fact her boyfriend she reminded him that he still owed her his half of the meth money from the aforementioned drug run. As he handed her the money from the glove box a police car pulled up behind them! The flashing of the lights startled poor LoRetty who scampered off, like a young gazelle, across the field and into the woods. The officer, misinterpreting the situation as those suspicious people tend to do, asked the gentleman to step out of the vehicle. At this point our unfortunate hero realized that he had been so crazy from the lack of sweet cool air that he had neglected to put on his pants!

Oh, the humanity!

Just For Your General Knowledge -

The pollen is giving my sinus cavity a violent fucking...well, what with the outdoor and indoor allergens it's more like a gang bang but, still, that's violent so I stand by my statement.

Ya' know, just FYI.

If It Weren't For Bad Luck . . .

I'd have no luck at all. Well, fine, not exactly true. I did have a bit of luck this morning. My car died in my driveway instead of on the road. Sweet!

Oy. Well, if I had perfect luck how would I know I was Irish? Oh, wait. . . .

Ding. Dang!

Oh, well, at least I had some left over pho to eat for breakfast. See? Things are lookin' up all the time!

EDITED TO ADD: It needed a new battery. Of course! I swear my car is now, officially, brand new. Oh, wait! First I'd need to paint it but, other than that? Brand spankin' new!

Cheese. Is There Anything It Can't Do?

Can the worst day be made better by cheese? Strangely enough, yes!

Where to begin? Where. To. Begin?

Well, let’s start with the fact that I was sick like a dog Sunday and Monday and go from there, shall we? Let’s! So, I was sick. I called out from work on Monday and went back today. What did I come back to? A meeting with the big boss and all the other contract workers telling us that none of us, let me say it again, none of us were sent down from the main office to go any further in the hiring process for full time positions. Basically, we were told that the main office in Richmond thinks we’re unqualified to do the work we already do. Seriously? Hu. Well, fancy that! You want to see unqualified? I can give ya’ unqualified! However, as upset as we were we weren’t as angry as our supervisor who was cursing up a storm which, it must be said, was kind of hysterical. So, we’ve all decided that until the contract is up we’re on a slow down. Also, I’m taking off for my birthday. I already made a good impression and where did it get me? Nowhere fast. The hell with them!

The day got decidedly better after work when I went to get a massage from Olivia. Yes, it hurt but in a good way (insert your own dirty joke here). Then we went over to Erin & Jonathon’s for dinner. G-d bless Mexican food and chocolate fondue! Love it! After gorging ourselves we watched “The Biggest Loser”…that’s called irony.

Now I’m not even upset about the job anymore. I’m just wondering what I’ll do next. Also, why is it that people tell me when I leave a job that it’s G-d’s way of telling me to go back to acting? If it is He’s being too subtle. I have AS! I’m a very literal person. I need a big sign! Like hitting lotto, for instance.

Ah, the hell with it! What I really want to do is find someone to split a cabin with so I can go on Elisa and Jay’s wedding cruise. My standards have lowered. I’ll even go steerage, ya’ know, the cheap(er) interior rooms. I need the ocean.

So, in conclusion, if you know of a place that’s hiring or someone I can split a cruise with let a bitch know. ‘Kay? Thanks!

EDITED TO ADD: Erin, due to the slow down, your post will be written tomorrow. You've been (kind of) patient. Well done!

Is It Me?

Today my mother called and left the following message on my voice mail:

"This is your mother. Did your grandmother call you? She called me but didn't leave a message. When I called her back nobody answered so I was just calling to see if she called you. That is all."

My grandmother hadn't called me.

I called my grandmother.

Grandmother: Hello?
Me: Hi. My mother wants to know why you called her.
Grandmother: Oh. Well, I called her to tell her to call you and tell you to call me but she didn't answer.
Me: Ooookay. Well, what do you need?
Grandmother: Can you go to the store for me?
Me: Yeah
(Long Pause)
Me: What do you want from the store?
Grandmother: Milk, remember 1%, catsup and, I guess, that's all.
Me: Ok, wel--
Grandmother:(cutting me off) OK, bye. (Hangs Up)

I ask you, is it me?

The Ballad Of The Snubbly Brothers

After a brisk row on the river the Snubbly brothers liked to get dressed up and go in to town for a fine dinner and maybe a show, if there happened to be anything playing that all three could agree on. The twins, Phimble and Pahlavi, didn't mind the general stir that always accompanied these excursions but their older brother, Claudio, really loved the spotlight. Claudio longed for the day when he'd be discovered but he'd given up explaining his hopes and dreams to his brothers.

In the past, when he'd tried to tell them of his yearnings, they'd listened to him kindly but he could tell they were really more interested in the motor cross race on the television. Yes, it was true, the twins lived for sport and Claudio longed for drama. Where it would all end no one could tell.

If only the probate judge would finally resolve the various issues surrounding their father's estate each brother could afford to strike out on his own and try for the elusive brass ring of LIFE.

Best Day. Ever.

Today I will be paying a mechanic an obscene amount of money for a new fuel pump and some other fuel related thing I can't remember the name of. Yesterday my car broke down on the way to work. One person stopped to scream at me...when I was off the road. The following pretty much tells that story.

Dear Jackass In The Hummer:

1. Never scream at somebody who has been sitting in the freezing cold for an hour (after their car has broken down and they've physically pushed it off of the road) because you've decided to buy a fuckin' tank. They didn't tell you to purchase the damn thing so it isn't their fault. Nor did they decide to break down just to f with your day. Strangely enough.

2. Don't buy a damn tank.

3. Don't fuck with a girl who's already stressed out and then get all surprised and offended when she gets out of the broken down vehicle and screams at your stupid, foolish, tank buying, no respect or empathy for anyone besides yourself ass!

4. Wasn't it funny that when I got out of the car and came over to you all of a sudden you had more than enough room to get by me and my car? Nutty.

5. You ran away from a girl. A short girl. Ha. Ha. Ha. Pussy!

Sincerely,
Dark Fury

Seriously? Wait. Hold on. Seriously?

Oh, Crap. Oh, Crap. Oh, Crap!

I applied to be a union organizer in Chicago, IL. I did it as a kind of joke at 3 AM. I wrote a cover letter that I thought was so out there that even an organization that required a personal belief statement with the resume would look at it and go - “Wow. She’s off her nut.” You don’t believe me? Read on! Below you will find the letter in it’s entirety.

To Whom It May Concern:
I am writing in reference to the union organizer position. Attached you will find my resume which includes three (3) references.

After reviewing my resume you may ask yourself one question. Why does this woman want, all of a sudden, to become a union organizer? Well, the answer to that is quite simple. I believe in the dream of America.

I don’t care who you are. I don’t care what you do for a living or what your annual income is. You should be treated with respect and given the opportunity to thrive. And, in order to thrive, people need to know that they and their families are taken care of.

Union workers are more likely to have health care benefits. Workers who belong to unions make more money. Workers in union shops operate in healthier, safer environments.

These are all things you know. These are things I know. I would like to stop working for the corporations and start working for the people. The people, in this instance, who take care of everybody else. They take care of us. I’d like to help them take care of themselves.

That, in conclusion, is why I would like to become a union organizer. I believe that everybody has the right to expect a fair shake in this country. And, if they don’t get it, they have the right to fight for it.

If after reviewing the attached information you would like to speak with me about a position, or if you have any questions, I can be reached at (***) ***-****.

Have a lovely day.

Sincerely,
Dark Fury (obviously I used my actual name in the cover letter/belief statement)

So, yeah. I’d say that that’s a letter that sticks out. Not necessarily in a good way. Don’t misunderstand me. I mean every word of it. I thought it was a bit strident though. Well, at 3 AM it seemed like a good idea, especially since I never thought they’d get back to me.

WRONG! They want to interview me. Am I in opposite land?

Wow. Maybe they only want to talk to me to mock me? I don’t know. I’m confused. Does that mean I didn’t e-mail them immediately saying I could be there whenever they wanted to see me or was available for a phone interview at their convenience? Not even a little bit.