Sunday, December 30, 2007

You Only Get Free Cheese In A Mousetrap.

I have received three (3) e-mails in the past two (2) days that assure me that I've won big (BIG) money from a United Kingdom e-mail based lottery that I've never entered. But, hey! That's ok because it was a random drawing from over thirty thousand (30,000) websites. Wow. Ain't that grand? All I need to do to claim this prize money is send them every piece of personal information about myself you could ever think of, including blood type, and copies of my social security card, photo ID and passport. Oh. OK!

My favorite part is that as I don't respond the prize amounts keep increasing. The first "notification" was for a measly two hundred and fifty thousand (250,00) pounds sterling. The second was for five hundred thousand (500,000). The last was for two million five hundred thousand (2,500,000) . Please. I don't get out of bed for that kind of chump change.

Question of the day:

Is anybody that stupid?

Saturday, December 29, 2007

I Love It When You Walk Out Singing The Murders!

Bloody, bloody hell! I love this movie. It's perfection.

I just got back from seeing "Sweeney Todd" and what can I say? I knew I'd probably like it but I loved it to an (almost) sick level. From the openeing shot to the end it's beautiful and gorey and funny and touching and just all things that are to love.

Stephen Sondheim is the king and Tim Burton is a genius.

Best Parts Not Related To What Was Going On On The Screen:
1. The people behind us who left after fifteen minutes because...wait for it...."they keep singing"!
2. My cousin saying she loves a show that leaves you singing the murders.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

You can only protect your liberties in this world by protecting the other man's freedom. You can only be free if I am free.


I just completed my phone interview for the union organizer position. The lady who interviewed me was really nice and down to earth and….wants me to come to Chicago for a day of information! If, after that, I’m selected I would do a 3-4 month internship (paid). After that if both I and the organization feel I’m in the right place I would be an organizer and living out of a suitcase. Why? Because I would basically be traveling to wherever the union needs me. I’d be working, during campaigns, every day but, hey, ya’ know what? That’s fine. If you like what you do and you know you’re helping people it wouldn’t suck as much as, say…my last job! Where I worked every day for weeks and wanted to kill people. Sigh. I would be based, at first, out of my home state which is disappointing but, again, I’d never be there.

I am, I must admit, in a quandary. I was offered another position today which is steady work in my hometown and I do need the money. It’s with the District Child Support Agency. So, that is helping people but I’m still torn. I must think.


I’ll keep you updated.

Monday, December 24, 2007

G-d Bless Us, Everyone!

"Marley was dead: to begin with. There is no doubt whatever about that. The register of his burial was signed by the clergyman, the clerk, the undertaker, and the chief mourner. Scrooge signed it: and Scrooge's name was good upon 'Change, for anything he chose to put his hand to. Old Marley was as dead as a door-nail.

Mind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there is particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined, myself, to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in the trade. But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my unhallowed hands shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for. You will therefore permit me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as dead as a door-nail."

The best first two paragraphs ever written.

Merry Christmas, people!

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Seriously? Wait. Hold on. Seriously?

Oh, Crap. Oh, Crap. Oh, Crap!

I applied to be a union organizer in Chicago, IL. I did it as a kind of joke at 3 AM. I wrote a cover letter that I thought was so out there that even an organization that required a personal belief statement with the resume would look at it and go - “Wow. She’s off her nut.” You don’t believe me? Read on! Below you will find the letter in it’s entirety.

To Whom It May Concern:
I am writing in reference to the union organizer position. Attached you will find my resume which includes three (3) references.

After reviewing my resume you may ask yourself one question. Why does this woman want, all of a sudden, to become a union organizer? Well, the answer to that is quite simple. I believe in the dream of America.

I don’t care who you are. I don’t care what you do for a living or what your annual income is. You should be treated with respect and given the opportunity to thrive. And, in order to thrive, people need to know that they and their families are taken care of.

Union workers are more likely to have health care benefits. Workers who belong to unions make more money. Workers in union shops operate in healthier, safer environments.

These are all things you know. These are things I know. I would like to stop working for the corporations and start working for the people. The people, in this instance, who take care of everybody else. They take care of us. I’d like to help them take care of themselves.

That, in conclusion, is why I would like to become a union organizer. I believe that everybody has the right to expect a fair shake in this country. And, if they don’t get it, they have the right to fight for it.

If after reviewing the attached information you would like to speak with me about a position, or if you have any questions, I can be reached at (***) ***-****.

Have a lovely day.

Sincerely,
Dark Fury (obviously I used my actual name in the cover letter/belief statement)

So, yeah. I’d say that that’s a letter that sticks out. Not necessarily in a good way. Don’t misunderstand me. I mean every word of it. I thought it was a bit strident though. Well, at 3 AM it seemed like a good idea, especially since I never thought they’d get back to me.

WRONG! They want to interview me. Am I in opposite land?

Wow. Maybe they only want to talk to me to mock me? I don’t know. I’m confused. Does that mean I didn’t e-mail them immediately saying I could be there whenever they wanted to see me or was available for a phone interview at their convenience? Not even a little bit.

Two (2) Random Things

1. I want to thank Patherine & Elisa for my Christmas gifts (pictures below). I love them all!

Be Warned-stop-If you recieve one of these-stop-I will write it out like a telegram-full stop

I'm already half way through this. It's amazing. Love!


I straightened my bangs when I got home. So smooth. Sigh.


2. I have come up with alias and super hero names for Erin.

Alias: Little Susie Homemaker

Super Hero Name: Emo Girl

By day she is Little Susie Homemaker, the sweet and good natured wife and mother. By night she is Emo Girl, righter of perkiness and preppie stupidity! With her special power she is able to deflate the ego and sap the happiness of any criminal or ner-do-well that crosses her path by summoning all the angst and depression from every Smiths and Cure song and focusing it in their direction. Luckily her cohorts, Dark Fury, Blonde Justice and Retainer Girl are able to deflect the gloom and doom. How? Blonde Justice, always upbeat and ready for a laugh, merely forms a force field of fun. Retainer Girl is so geeky she doesn’t really get what the big deal is and ignores it. And Dark Fury is only made stronger by any and all dark emotion and, in fact, finds the song “Girlfriend in a Coma” hysterically funny.

The Emo Girl: A Chocolate Napoleon Filled W/A Mixture of Coffee Whipped Cream & Crushed Chocolate Covered Espresso Beans

Monday, December 17, 2007

Three (3) Random Things

I was, again, informed I don't blog enough so here are three (3) random things. Enjoy!

A. I joined facebook today because I wanted to see what everybody was talking about (and you have to join to browse).

B. Since I will never be on Inside The Actors Studio I've decided to answer the questionnaire here. It's the best part of the program anyway. I will point out that I loathe James Lipton. He's noxious.

What is your favorite word? Facetious
What is your least favorite word? Phlegm
What turns you on? Humor
What turns you off? Injustice and bad movies.
What sound or noise do you love? Laughter and puppies breathing.
What sound or noise do you hate? Car alarms and any loud bang (like a car backfiring).
What is your favorite curse word? Fuck in all it's various incarnations.
What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? Pastry Chef
What profession would you not like to do? Embalmer
If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? Well, that was silly. Ready to go again?

C. I came up with part of a menu for my (imaginary) pastry shop, Daly Bread. Half the proceeds from anything off this part of the menu would go to local law enforcement. It's the take a bite out of crime (clever!) side of the bill.

1. The Dark Fury: Devil's Food Cake layered w/Chocolate Mousse and covered in Dark Chocolate/Chile Ganache
2. The Blonde Justice: Key Lime/Sour Cream Pound Cake w/a Lemon Glaze
3. The Retainer Girl: Sticky Toffee Brownies w/Caramel Sauce Swirl
4. The Red Fire: Cinnamon Creme Brule
5. The Star F*cker: Star Anise Cannoli

There ya' go. I blogged!

Thursday, December 13, 2007

I Stole This From Erin. I'm A Stealer!

My Personal DNA:

You are a Dreamer

Your combination of abstract thinking, appreciation of beauty, and cautiousness makes you a DREAMER.

You often imagine how things could be better, and you have very specific visions of this different future.

Beauty and style are important to you, and you have a discerning eye when it comes to how things look.

Although you often think more broadly, you prefer comfort to adventure, choosing to stay within the boundaries of your current situation.

Your preferences for artistic works are very refined, although you vastly prefer some types and styles to others.

Though your dreams are quite vivid, you are cautious in following up on them.

You are aware of both your positive and negative qualities, so that your ego doesn't get in your way.

A sense of vulnerability sometimes holds you back, stifling your creative tendencies.

You tend to do things on the spur of the moment, not sticking to a set schedule.

You have a strong sense of style and value your personal presentation - friends may even seek your style advice from time to time.

You are Advocating

Being social, empathic, and understanding makes you ADVOCATING.

Some people find being around others exhausting—but not you! You are energized by spending time with friends, and you are good at meeting new people.

One of the reasons you enjoy conversation as much as you do is that you often learn about yourself while talking things out with a friend; you realize things about your own beliefs while discussing them with others.

You have insight into what others are thinking and feeling. This ability allows you to be happy for others, and to commiserate when something has gone wrong for them.

You are highly compassionate, and being conscious of how things affect those close to you leaves you cautious about trusting others too hastily.

Despite these reservations, you are open-minded when it comes to your worldview; you don't look to impose your ways on others.

Your sensitivity towards others' plights contributes to an understanding—both intellectual and emotional—of many different perspectives.

As someone who understands the complexities of the world around you, you are reluctant to pass judgments.

Thursday, December 6, 2007

I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Taurus and we’re skeptical.








Aries Horoscope
(Mar 21 - Apr 19)

Your emotions burn deeper now with Venus and the Moon in your 8th House of Intimacy, and this makes you a bit uncomfortable. It's not that you are unwilling to express your feelings; it's just that you aren‘t willing to articulate them. Do you see the difference? Yeah. Neither do we. Just spit it out and stop being so damn closed off. It isn’t funny and it isn’t clever.







Taurus Horoscope
(Apr 20 - May 20)
With loving Venus in Scorpio opposite your sign, you become more concerned with your most intimate relationships. Issues regarding matters of the heart can be a recurring source of discussion, yet this is not light and easy stuff. But since you are not a person who enjoys “light and easy” it should work out. You are, as they say, dark and twisty and should, again, as they say, work what yer’ mama gave ya’! Who is this they and are they a Taurus?







Gemini Horoscope
(May 21 - Jun 20)

Although you are even more ready than usual to do fun things with your friends, a different aspect of your life is surfacing. A different personality, if you will. Gemini, Gemini, Gemini…therapy isn’t something to be ashamed of. When a person needs help or, sorry, when persons need help they should ask for it. After all, therapy can be fun too! There are dolls to show where the bad man hurt you and fun(ish) ink blot games. Yippee!







Cancer Horoscope
(June 21 - Jul 22)
Inspiration can motivate you, especially at work, but it's hard to know how assertive you should be now (TIP: Don‘t bitch slap anybody no matter how tempting it may seem. Legal action is not your friend.). You can see the big picture in ways that often elude you. Don't ignore important details, but remember that not everybody has been mainlining caffeine for the past two days. They may need rest while you are happy and perky and ready to rock it all night till the project gets done. Don’t torture your staff (friends, mate, pets, etc.). If you want to stay up for three days feel free. But just remember, there’s a fine line between being enthusiastic and having a manic episode. One leads to promotion. One leads to a jail in Tiajuana. . . Do you speak Spanish?







Leo Horoscope
(Jul 23 - Aug 22)
Your emotional needs can be more intense than others realize, especially if you are too willing to make light of them when you are frustrated. On the surface, all seems well with you. You appear to be fully engaged with your life. But deeper down you can hear your own desires speaking from the recesses of your heart. Listen carefully, for they can lead you to what's next. The voices have good ideas sometimes. Then again, if the voice isn’t coming from your heart or your gut but, oh, let’s say….your dog, just as a for instance, you should ignore it. Ignore it! Walk away. . .straight to the nearest hospital and ask for a thorazine drip.







Virgo Horoscope
(Aug 23 - Sep 22)
Something may be bothering you, even if you are holding on to the pleasures in life. Your malaise may not be strong enough for you to make significant changes, but you'll have to handle an upwelling of passion that has nowhere to go. Don't push for resolution; delaying emotional decisions for a few days may be a smart move. Just stamp those feelings down. Deep down in your gut where you never have to think about what’s bothering you. This is the best plan because you, dear Virgo, hate a mess and, while our plan may lead to ulcers and colon cancer it won’t lead to anything icky…like emotions.








Libra Horoscope
(Sep 23 - Oct 22)

You may be more socially aware than others because you inherently understand the balance needed for harmony in relationships. This weekend, however, your patience may wear thin as Venus puts you in touch with your own needs. Why should you always be the one looking after the drunk at the party? When is it your turn to be the UN-designated driver? When will it be all about you?! Well, dear Libra, if you want that lime light you may have to rip it out of someone’s cold, dead hand. Got a problem with that this weekend? We didn’t think so.






Scorpio Horoscope
(Oct 23 - Nov 21)
Your emotional needs could be even more demanding now than usual, yet you still might find what you want. The key to your current success lies in the unconventional approach you take to expressing your feelings. Others may enjoy your frankness and originality. While still others are less than impressed with your semaphore skills and feel that the flag display is just one more way to hide your true emotions about that fight about that hat by the place that you went that time. You know the place with the lady who had the nose? Next to the place with the door? Hmmmm….maybe they’re right. You may still be hiding behind the flags but at least you’ve stopped using mime. One step at a time, dear Scorpio. One step at a time.


Sagittarius Horoscope
(Nov 22 - Dec 21)
Your romantic inclinations turn spiritual or, at least, more altruistic as Venus enters your 12th House of Destiny. The emotional payoff could be worth taking a risk, not that you need much encouragement. You’re always willing to go out on a limb for your one true love of the moment. The fact that it never seems to work out doesn’t concern you. Just try not to give out your PIN this weekend or wads of cash. Unless, of course, you believe that this one is the one…which you do…again….so, ya’ know what? Never mind.






Capricorn Horoscope
(Dec 22 - Jan 19)

You may feel pressure to go along with change, especially as you realize how much is actually beyond your control. Letting go is easy if you are secure in your own world. But you could overreact out of fear, attempting to keep your life from falling apart. Take a deep breath. Now, take another. Into a paper bag if you must. Put down the baseball bat. Put it down! There. Don’t you feel better? It’s all going to work out. So what if all your friends have dropped you, your wife has walked out and your dog is giving you the stink eye? Now, cowboy up and stop being such a friggin’ wuss!







Aquarius Horoscope
(Jan 20 - Feb 18)

Your philosophical perspective helps you to detach from your emotions. You may be ready for all the changes that you see coming, especially if they offer you additional freedom. But if dependency issues arise as Venus moves through Scorpio, don't push them away. Facing your feelings can help you when it’s time to disregard them. You know what you want and you know what’s practical. When have you ever gone practical? Well, get ready for it. You have run smack into practical decision land this weekend. It’s scary but it’ll be over my Tuesday and back to all systems flighty. Just hang on till then.













Pisces Horoscope
(Feb 19 - Mar 20)
The confusing mists are clearing and you are standing out in the clear sunlight of awareness. For now, you can see exactly what is going on. Unfortunately, this may mean that you have some hard work ahead of you. But the good news is that, as usual, you can just ignore it. If you ignore it someone else will come along to clean up after you. If not? Well, it’s clearly their fault for not taking care of it! How dare they not take care of you! The nerve.



People (don't always) Make Me Sad


Ricky Gervais. What can I say? The man is a damn genius. If you haven't seen The Office (UK) or Extras you must. That's just it.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like . . . Late November?



Seriously? Isn't November 28 a little friggin' early to air "How the Grinch Stole Christmas"? Do I walk alone in this belief?

Monday, November 19, 2007

Welcome To Procrastination Station! May I See Your Ticket?

If anyone is wondering what to get me for the holidays I have a list on amazon.com. I'm just sayin'. . . ya' know . . . whatever. It's three pages long so you might want to grab a snack before visiting.

I'm super excited because for once I'm getting prepared ahead of time! I've already purchased, written and addressed my holiday cards. I just need to stamp them and throw them in the mail.* I've also finished shopping for three people. This doesn't sound like much, I know. However, when you think that usually I don't remember to send cards and am still shopping on Christmas eve I'm doing pretty damn well.

Of course I'm doing this to avoid writing so, all in all, I'm a slacker but hey! That's my business.


*Olivia and Katherine, don't worry, you're getting seperate cards because you're not a couple. We know.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

....And The Word Was (For The Last Time...For A While) List....

What was the worst name people called you in school?:
Andrea

What is your religion or personal beliefs?:
I am a Jew who doesn't believe in organized religion.

How many times per day do you think about sex?:
Depends on the day and who crosses my path

Do you think you are confident?:
Somewhat

What is your goal this year?:
1. Finish book (30 days? Ha!) 2. Go On Vacation 3. Stop Commuting

Describe the person of your dreams.:
fall down funny, smart, tall(er than me...height is relative), rich as Roosevelt (what? a girl can dream!)

Have you ever had an unhealthy obsession? If so, what?:
Yes. Once I start drinking orange juice I can't stop until it's gone. I'm an orange juice addict. I can't keep it in the house. I have to buy it one small carton at a time. The sad part? I'm not kidding.

Have you ever seen a therapist?:
Yes and, if I may, duh.

How many medications do you take per day?:
None. Scary ain't it?

How do you sleep?:
On my stomach.

What was the last thing you dreamt and remember?:
I had a dream that I was in jail for some small offense and my two oldest friends kept coming by to tell me they were going to break me out but they never did. Slackers!

What is your talent?:
I'm a triple threat, baby! I can bitch, moan . . . and sing.

Do you ever think about an ex?:
Yep

Are you superstitious?:
Sometimes

What is your feelings about marriage?:
Do you mean what are my feelings about marriage? If so, I say go for it.

What was the last thing you ate?:
A sandwich

What turns you on?:
humour, intelligence and a good head of hair don't hurt

How do you look for someone to date?:
I don't

Do you believe in fate?:
Sure

How did your parents meet?:
They worked at the same hotel. They were introduced by their boss. My father then sang "Garcia. I just met a girl named Garcia." And, for some reason, she still married him.

Have you ever taken an inkblot test?:
Yes...they all looked like ink blots. It was great!

They say everyone has a muse. Who is yours?:
Who says that? Who is this "they" you speak of?

Last thing you drank.:
water

Do you have strong values?:
yes

How tall are you?:
5"1' and a half

What animal are you?:
Um....a human?

What fruit is your favorite?:
Orange

When did you first start using the Internet?:
1996

What does your screen name or email address stand for or mean?:
Dark Fury is my super hero name

What is your favorite flavor of ice cream?:
vanilla

Who was the last person you text messaged?:
Liv a.k.a. Blonde Justice

What is the last picture you took on your cellphone of?:
Seriously? Stop making surveys and take an English class.

Do you have any scars?:
Yes

Do you consider yourself a lucky person?:
Sometimes

What comes to mind when I say "nipple"?:
Kevin...if you know him you know why.

What is in the back of your mind right now?:
My skull

What is your IQ?:
I don't know. When I was twelve it was 145.

Are your nails long or short?:
short

What noise do you hear right now?:
The Rat Pack x-mas album

What room are you in?:
my bedroom

Do you have a crush or desire someone right now?:
Yes, Craig Ferguson. Wait. You mean people I know? No.

Are you single?:
Yes

Are you diagnosed with any disorders?:
Yes

What was the last time you were in Walmart?:
3 or 4 years ago

What was the last thing you bought?:
water

What is on your Christmas list so far?:
Dinner For 5 the complete series

What are you craving?:
sleep

What cereal do you eat?:
hot: apple oatmeal cold: raisin bran crunch

Name a prank you did once on someone.:
Frank

Last thing you laughed at?:
My answer to the last question. I amuse myself, the hell with everybody else!

Saturday, November 17, 2007

....And The Word Was (Yet Again) List....

1. Honestly, how many people have you had "STRONG" feelings for? Well, are we including the people I loathe and despise? If so…..many….

2. Honestly, what color is your shirt? Black

3. Honestly, what's on your mind? Avoiding writing

4. Honestly, what are you doing right now? Avoiding writing

5. Honestly, do you think you are attractive? Sometimes yes. Sometimes no.

6. Honestly, have you done something bad today? Yes, avoided writing

7. Honestly, do you watch Wild n' Out? No idea what this is.

8. Honestly, are you jealous of someone right now? Yes, all those people who are bitching because they’re “only” at 45K words….bastards!

9. Honestly, who makes you happy most of the time? My mother…mostly….except when she doesn’t

10. Honestly, do you have deep secrets? Yes. I’m actually a skinhead from Perth and born under a bad sign. Also, I was abducted by aliens - and now they never call!

11. Honestly, when is the last time you have been to tesco? Never

12. Honestly, are you mean? Not as mean as I used to be.
13. Honestly, who did you copy and paste this from? Sarah

14. Honestly, where would you rather be right now? St. Maarten

15. Honestly, do you like someone.? Not particularly.

16. Honestly, who was the last person to text you? Liv

17. Honestly, is there anything currently annoying you? Yes, see numbers 3 and 4

18. Honestly, what was the last thing you ate? Toast

19. Honestly, have you gone out of your way to make a new friend? I don’t think so.

20. Honestly, do you shower? Yes
21. Honestly, are you happy? Right now? Well, I’m not sad and I’m not ecstatic. I’m OK.

22. Honestly, ever made anyone cry? Yes

23. Honestly, have you ever cried over someone? Yes. I’m not a robot.

24. Honestly, have you ever cried yourself to sleep? See #23

25. Honestly, have you kissed someone of the same sex this week? No

26. Honestly, when was the last time you hugged or kissed someone? Last Sunday

27. Honestly, when was the last alcoholic beverage you consumed? Last Sunday

28. Honestly, are you normally a happy person? Not usually. But I make up for it with my sparkling wit and devastating good looks!

29. Honestly, what makes you mad? Injustice and bad movies

30. Honestly, does being with your friends make you happy? Usually, yes (collective “aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!”)

31. Honestly, do you believe in yourself? Sometimes yes. Sometimes no. Not lately.

32. Honestly, are you annoying to people? Very probably.

33. Honestly, is cheating acceptable? No. If you don’t want to be with someone leave them don’t cheat. Cheating is vulgar.

34. Honestly, was this survey any good? Eh. It’ll do.

35. Honestly, have you hugged a girl this week? No

36. Honestly, are you a relationship person? Not lately but, in general, yes.

37. Honestly, do you own a box of condoms? No

38. Honestly, who was the last person you hugged? Hans

39. Honestly, when is the last time you went shopping? Friday

I'm Not A Robot


http://www.freerice.com/


Go to this site. Build your vocabulary for a good cause.

....And The Word Was List....


29 Unusual Lasts:

1. To whom did you last give the finger? Blonde Justice a.k.a. Olivia

2. If you had 1,000 dollars what would you buy?A trip to Chicago…well, part of a trip

3.What was the last beverage you spilled on yourself?Coke

4. Are you different now than you were 6 months ago?I don’t know. Probably a bit.

5. Have you been anywhere exciting in the last three days?I’ve been to paradise…but I’ve never been to meeeeeee….

6. What was the last photograph you took?:I don’t take photos. My last attempt was in June at my birthday party

7. Where were you last night around 9:30?:In bed

8. What do you think of guys that wear eyeliner?:I think it’s called guy-liner & on certain men it’s wicked hot, on others it’s super fabulous and on still others it’s stupid

9. How many hours did you last sleep?4

10. Who was the last person to whom you spoke on the phone?Olivia

11. 50 Cent shows up at your door, what do you do?Drop it like it’s hot?

12. How was the last egg you ate prepared?:omelet

13. Where did you last wear sunglasses?:On my face to cover my eyes or on my head to hold back my hair…where do you wear sunglasses?

14. Ever worn your underwear backwards?I’m dyslexic but I’m not that dyslexic

15. Who was the last person to smoke a cigarette in your presence?:I went to a bar a couple of days ago so lots of people


16. Does it bother you when people put && before every sentence and after?I’ve never seen that. Why would anyone do it? It seems like it would annoy me deeply.

17. What animal did you last pet or hold?:My cat, Harvey.

18. What was the last law you broke?Seriously? Is anybody dumb enough to admit to breaking the law in these things?

19. What are you wearing?Jeans, 2 T-Shirts, 1 Sweater and Socks - What? I’m cold. Oh. Wait! I mean Chanel # 5 & a smile. Woops! My bad.

20. What did you think of your last kiss?That was awkward.

21. What was the last newspaper you read or skimmed?:The Washington Post

22. What was the last word written on your hand?It was an apartment # Get your heads out of the gutter. It was for work…I’m a whore, apparently

23. What was the last hair product you used?conditioner

24. What was the last text message you received?“How about Monday at 12:15?”

26. Who was the last person to make you really laugh?:Kevin James

27. To what song did you last sing along?Jane by Barenaked Ladies

28. What was the last musical instrument played in your presence?An I-pod?

29. What was the last superstitious thing you did?Threw salt over my shoulder

Monday, November 12, 2007

Little by little, one travels far.

Two Random Things:

1.) I've decided to plan a trip to Chicago. I feel the need to check it out. I also feel the need to stay in the hotel below. It just looks cool...what? I'm shallow. Surprise, surprise, surprise! It's cheaper to visit Chicago when it's cold as three hells. Imagine that. I think I can pay a bit more to go in May and pray that spring will have sprung.

http://www.monaco-chicago.com/moncmn_services.html



2.) I'm currently watching "America's Psychic Challenge". What's wrong with me?

Friday, November 9, 2007

Another Thing I Want

This dress . . . . But, dammit, I suppose there are a few things I'll have to lose first before I can find this. Oh, well, it's still wicked cute.


Thursday, November 8, 2007

My Mother and Revisionist History

I was talking to my mother about the pastry school and Second City and what do you know? Apparently my mother is under the impression that she told me a long time ago, 1994 to be precise, that I should either go to Northwestern or just forget college and move to Chicago to study improv/theatre. Um, yeah. What? ‘Scuse me? At what point did my mother tell me this? Answer? Never. Unless, of course, I have early onset Alzheimer’s and just forgot. Wow. That must be what happened. Sucks to be me.

I love my mother to little bits and pieces, truly, however she’s a nut. I’m just trying to imagine the words “forget college” coming out of her mouth and, let me tell ya’, it ain’t happening. I do recall her telling me to apply to Radford as a last resort school…that could, I suppose, be construed as telling me to forget college but, I assure you, Chicago was never mentioned. What’s next? Is she going to tell me that my father is actually Elvis but I knew that, right? That she’s a Republican and thinks GW is doing just a super job? Is she going to deny the holocaust and tell me she always felt that way and what made me think we were Jews?! Jesus.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Things I've Always Wanted To Do



http://secondcity.com/?id=training-education/training/chicago/course_index/impindex/weekend

It has been my dream since, well, birth to go toThe Second City. I always thought that if I took one day of one class there I'd be able to figure out if I was really funny. Hell, I think if I go to a show I could figure it out just by observing what is considered funny. I know. I know. You all think I'm funny. Thank you. Thank you and I don't care. Not to be rude but I need to know if I'm a specific kind of funny. I fear the answer which is why I've never been to Second City. Not even to a show. I fear the Second City...and I long for it. Go figure.




http://www.frenchpastryschool.com/our_program/index.html

If you're going to be a pastry chef you should be trained by the best. This school is the best. I've been thinking, on and off, about being a pastry chef since 2001. I don't know why. Everybody loves pastry and bread...well, not everybody but those people are friggin' scary so I'm not counting them...and I'm no exception. I would love to have my own bakery. I've always thought that would be the best job (outside of being funny for a living). I know it's wicked hard work and that you have to wake up at, what? 2 AM? Whatever. Don't care. It would be great. That's all.

PS
1.) Why does everything cost $22K? Why?! OK. If you follow the link to Second City that doesn't cost that much BUT that's only the weekend workshop. If you want to do all the classes it adds up to about $22K. Joy.

2.) Why are the two things I want to do in the coldest city I can think of? Do I like the cold? No. No. I don't. I'm cold when it's 65 out! Life is cruel.





Wednesday, October 31, 2007

There are three rules for writing the novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

NANOWRIMO (National Novel Writing Month) begins at midnight. Oh, yeah, baby! It's on.

Now that the bravado is out of the way I think it's safe to tell you that I have no ideas. None. Not a one. Niente. Nada. Zip and DooDa. I'm sure that will pass. Right?


RIGHT?!

Anyway. Moving on.

If you don't want to be used for your character traits tell me now or you may be immortalized for the world (or, in this case, me and my editer a.k.a. Patherine) to see.

PS I refuse to spell check a post this short so you're on your own. If you are offended by my bad spelling you can suck it, Trebek!

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

The Misanthrope Goes To The Movies

"Particles of Truth" a Review of Total Crap
By Dark Fury

From the first shot you know that this is an art piece made by a woman who is totally and completely in love. With her own voice and face. It is about ninety minutes long and eighty minutes of that time is spent on close up shots of her looking pensive, sad, angry, etc. And, to make matters worse, the entire movie is shot with that oh so annoying "realistic" shaky camera work. I hate this like poison. I hate it, actually, more than poison. Poison has uses.

Have I ever mentioned why I hate C.S. Lewis? Well, in case I haven't, it's because he hits you over the head with the metaphore. This annoys me. A lot. Well, the broad who made this movie must love "The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe." Her character finally finds redemption through a death bed renconciliation with her father who looks like.....wait for it.....Jesus. Seriously? Did I need that little clue to realize that this was the turning point in her life? Probably not. Well, not if I had been paying attention at that point which I wasn't because I couldn't take her friggin' voice whining on and on and on and the close ups of her face (sans make-up for that, again, realistic look) that also go on and on and on.

This film, for it is art and must never be called a movie, is unbearable. Truly. Every character is a mess. Every character is barely a character because the artiste who made the film/art piece/piece of crap can't be bothered to flesh out anyone or thing but her own meandering, maudlin, decrepit, predictable, pure shite story line. If you can even call it that since nothing happens. I deep down hate this movie. I may even hate the woman who wrote, directed, starred in and, for all I know, edited the damn thing.

In conclusion, if ever you need to know that life is worth living rent this movie. Once it's over and done with life seems sweeter. It's like the old joke.

Person 1: Why are you hitting yourself with that hammer?
Person 2: Because it feels so good when I stop.*

* I didn't say it was a good joke. I said it was old.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Oh, sleep! It is a gentle thing, beloved from pole to pole.

I am an old woman. Old I say! Used to be that I could go and drink to the wee small hours of the morning and then trot off to work while, if not exactly smiling, not cursing all of G-d's creation. Those days have passed.

First of all, let me say that I had a blast Sunday night and it was well worth the agony of having to drag my sorry arse out of bed at six o'clock in the morning. What could have been better than getting slightly toasted with my best friends around a fire pit while eating s'mores? Nothing. I believe I can safely say that a good time was had by all. Well, possibly not the poor Englishman who went up a hill and came down in dirty talk town. But I don't think we scarred Jonathan's friend for life so, all in all, no harm no foul and he couldn't have been lovelier about it all (I was, I must admit, disappointed that he wasn't on display behind glass as had been previously discussed but you can't have everything in this life).

Getting up the next morning? Not lovely. Not at all. I was a miserable bitch the entire day. Luckily there was not a lot of interaction with others on the job today. So, everything was going well till I, like a total and complete moron, fucked it up! I had to deliver about twenty-three envelopes today around my quite large and many storied building. So, what did I think to myself? "Self," I thought "why not take the stairs? Why, yes! That's a great idea!" That was, needless to say, not a great idea. I did it but it almost killed me. I made it up all the stairs and around every floor (1-16) without passing out but I took the elevator down or I would have fallen down. Here is the question of the day. Why am i so damn dumb?

Friday, October 19, 2007

S.O.S

My Halloween costume arrived today and . . . . . . . . IT'S SHITE!!

Depression.

So, I need a knew idea. Anyone? Anyone? Feel free to provide me with ideas. I may have to be a hippie. Which might work. I do find them scary. . . . What with the stink and everything. And I do have big hair so it may be my last option.

Again I'm begging for ideas here, people. Begging.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Things I Covet




This stationery is inspired by a 1920s British telegram. Printed on heavy weight baby blue paper and comes with official looking metal clasp envelopes. The light gray envelopes are perfectly sized so you can mail the telegram flat.

$12, set of 6 telegrams & envelopesblack ink on baby blue heavy weight papertelegrams are 8.5" x 5", envelopes are 6" x 9"

Stardom isn’t a profession; it’s an accident.

Whatever happened to celebrities? Call me old if you will* but when I was a kid I seem to recall that people who were famous were famous for a reason. I mean if you were in a magazine or on TV there had to be a reason (except, obviously, in the event that you were on "The Love Boat". . . they'd take anybody). Either you were someone of note in the literary, political, theatrical or musical arena or you'd killed somebody. These were the options. Well, you could also save a small child from a well but, honestly, how often does a break like that come along?

Who are our celebrities now? No. Seriously. Who the fuck are these people? I don't know. Do you? Could you tell me? I doubt it. Because now we're barraged with the dregs of the Earth a.k.a. the children of famous people. We're deluged with "celebutantes" a.k.a. the rich bitch brigade. To quote Dorothy Parker, as I tend to do, "they make me sick. They make me tired."

Why do I, or anyone for that matter, need to know anything at all about Rod Stewarts kids? I barely care about Rod Stewart. He had, what? Two good songs a million years ago? So, naturally, I must care that his son is BFF's with three other brats of actual celebrities and that the kid spends more on fake spray tan in a week than I, or anybody I know, will make this year. Yeah. Sure I do. In who's world?

Where is the fascination in Paris Hilton? Jesus Herman Christ on a crutch, I can't wait till this broad od's. I mean that. On the day that she's found in an alley (but a very posh upper class alley) with a needle in her arm and an eight ball in her big fuck-off Fendi bag I will dance the dance of sheer joy. . . . With props. I'm not saying I want her to die. I just want her to go away and not come back. In fact it's better if she lives but people are just collectively tired of her bullshit.

How do we all manage to care so much about the privileged, spoiled, slutty, ignoramuses on MTV? I don't know. It baffles me. The only thing I know for sure is that come the revolution there will be no spray tan and Daddy's money won't be able to help you so you'd better learn a trade. Just ask Tori.


*Don't.

Monday, October 15, 2007

An E-Mail I Recieved Today

Dear -User Name Here-,

Well, you did it. You've gone and pledged your November to the pursuit of the month-long novel. Whether this is your first or ninth NaNoWriMo, we know you're going to have a great time, and we're thrilled to have you writing with us.In case you forget it, here are your author log-in and password for the NaNoWriMo site:

username: ------
password: --------

On November 1, we'll unlock the novel-excerpt and word-count area of your Author info area so you can post your escalating word-count, view your personal stats, and offer an excerpt of your work-in-progress to friends and fans. Before you head off to begin training those typing fingers, we wanted to offer a few bits of advice. You'll find many great tips in the forums, and we'll be sending pep talks directly to your inbox during November. But for now, here's a quick overview of the three-and-a-half things we wish we had known for our first NaNoWriMo.

1) It's okay to not know what you're doing. Really. You've read a lot of novels, so you're completely up to the challenge of writing one. No plot? No problem! If you feel more comfortable outlining your story ahead of time, absolutely do so. But it's also fine to just wing it. Write everyday, and a book-worthy story will appear, even if you're not sure what that story might be right now.

2) Do not edit as you go. Editing is for December (and Katherine!). Think of November as an experiment in pure output. Even if it's hard at first, leave ugly prose and poorly written passages on the page to be cleaned up later. Your inner editor will be very grumpy about this, but your inner editor is a nitpicky jerk who foolishly believes that it is possible to write a brilliant first draft if you write it slowly enough. It isn't. Every book you've ever loved started out as a beautifully flawed first draft. In November, embrace imperfection and see where it takes you.

3) Tell everyone you know that you're writing a novel in November (Done and done!). This will pay big dividends in Week Two, when the only thing keeping you from quitting is the fear of looking pathetic in front of all the people who've had to hear about your novel for the past month. Seriously. Email them now about your awesome new book. The looming specter of personal humiliation is a very reliable muse.

3.5) There will be times you'll want to quit during November. This is okay. Everyone who wins NaNoWriMo wanted to quit at some point in November. Stick it out. See it through. Week Two can be hard. Week Three is much better. Week Four will make you want to hug the world.

With great well wishes on the noveling month ahead,

The NaNoWriMo Team

P.S? I'm excited. No. Really. I know it's hard to tell when I don't use exclamation points but I'm trying to ween you off of them. It's for your own good, I promise.

Friday, October 12, 2007

Listapalooza

Again I ask, why can't the people who come up with these things count?

40 Things You Have NOT Been Asked In A Survey

1. Do you know anyone in prison? I don’t think so but who friggin’ knows.

2. Have you ever logged onto a boyfriend/girlfriend/crush's myspace? Nope

3. When is the last time you ate peanut butter and jelly? Last year

4. Do you have a desk in your room? No

5. Have you ever gotten naked at a party? No

6. What kind of car do you have? Dirty

7. Are you named after one of your parents or grandparents? One of my middle names is my great grandmother’s maiden name and my great aunt’s first name. Welcome to the south.

8. Does your first significant other still live in the same town as you? No, thank G-d.

9. Do you throw up gang signs? EAST SIDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Um, no.

10. Have you ever broken a rib? I chipped one once. Does that count?

11. Would you rather be a girl or a guy? I’m not trans-gendered so I’m gonna’ go with girl!

12. Who is the most spoiled person you know? I decline to answer that question on the grounds that it may cause trouble.

13. Would you rather have a million dollars or true love? Can I have both? No? Damn. I would take….wow. I’m shallow.

14. Have you ever been to church? Yes

15. Is your boyfriend/girlfriend a marine? No. My grandfather was one and warned me against it.

16. Do you watch the Grammys? No

17. Would you ever work for the border patrol? No

18. Which one word would describe your last relationship? Brief.

19. Would you rather date someone 2 years older then you or 20 years? Well, how old is George Clooney? I’m kidding! Maybe. 2 I suppose.

21. Do you have a porn collection? I think not.

22. How many proms have you been to in your life? Zero.

23. Have you ever been in a interracial relationship? No

25. Are you old enough to vote? Yep

26. Do you have any friends or family in the war right now? No, thank G-d.

28. Do you worry about global warming? Yes

29. Do you like polar bears? They’re my favorite wild animal actually.

30. Have you ever been cheated on? Not that I know of.

31. Do you have any gay/bi friends? No. I believe that gay people are going straight to he---oh, wait. Anne Coulter took over my body for a minute! Yick. Now I smell like crazy!
Yes, I have gay friends. Who doesn’t. If you say you don’t then you probably don’t know shit.

32. What kind of deodorant do you use? Secret

35. Did or do you think your childhood dreams will come true? Yes

37. What's your opinion on gold diggers? Why can‘t I be one? Why?!

38. Are you a country or city boy/girl? I like to be either in the city or in the country. The burbs are neither one thing nor the other. It’s annoying.

39. Is your car a 2002 or higher? No. Bite me.

40. Do you want to hit something? In what sense of the word?

Saturday, October 6, 2007

People (don't always) Make Me Sad

Some people delight and sadden me at the same time. What? I’m Bi-polar. Don’t judge me. Terry Pratchett is a prime example. He’s a brilliant and insane human being. He is, dare I say it, a genius. I wait with baited breath for each of his new books. I buy them in hard cover which I don’t do with any other author if only for the fact that they’re a bitch to lug around. I then buy them in paper back as well. Why? Portability is key. I read them in one sitting. They make me inordinately happy. They also depress me.

Every time I read one of his books I end up thinking the same thing. “Damn. I wish I’d written that.” The strange thing? I’m not a writer. Never have been. Don’t intend to be one. It’s just something about his structure and sense of humor that makes me mental. He’s got a laser beam in his head pointed directly at the weird and mockable in the world and he never misses. Well, I guess he wouldn’t what with the laser sight and all.

I feel the same way about Dorothy Parker. It’s like when you see a really good movie and you think, “Wow! I wish I’d been in that.” Wait. Other people think that right? It’s not just me. Can’t be. I refuse to believe it. The movie example is rare . . . . And getting rarer these days. In fact I can’t think of a recent example to give. Usually these days it’s not an entire movie so much as one good role. Which is sad. Are movies getting worse? I feel like they don’t deliver as they used to. But Mr. Pratchett? Every time. Every damn time.

“God does not play dice with the universe; He plays an ineffable game of his own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of the players, (ie everybody), to being involved in an obscure and complex version of poker in a pitch-dark room, with blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a Dealer who won't tell you the rules, and who smiles all the time.”
--Terry Pratchett

"Everything starts somewhere, although many physicists disagree."
--Terry Pratchett

Saturday, September 29, 2007

Lists, lists and more lists!

On an up note! I have made a list of things I covet at Target.com which is entitled, appropriately enough, "Things I Covet". Ahhhhhh....lists.....is there anything they can't do?

Edited To Add: Also did one on linensnthings.com. I'm addicted!

Saturday, September 22, 2007

People Who Don't make Me Sad



Rowan Atkinson. Who's funnier than this man? Answer? Nobody. Mr. Bean? I hate it. But, well, one swallow does not a summer make. So, let's not judge too harshly.



The Thin Blue Line - Funny Cops




Black Adder - Funny History






Monday, September 17, 2007

Stories From The Borderline Narcoleptic

It’s a little bit scary to pass out without any warning. I know that it’s because I’m tired and not really a narcoleptic. I know that once I get used to my new schedule/commute it’ll clear up but it’s still a little scary. Not to mention it f’s up my social calendar. What, you may ask, am I talking about?

Well, long story short, I’ve passed out twice now with no warning. Both times I was at home and on my bed or couch and I don’t think it would ever happen anywhere else. I think I just get so tired and stressed out that when I hit a comfortable and safe spot my body just shuts off. I’d like a little warning! How about an eye flutter? A count down in my head? Something?! But no. No warning. One minute I’m sitting reading or watching TV and the next? Good morning!

On the plus side I’m quite refreshed afterward! Well, that’s a lie. I slept all day, basically, on Sunday. I woke up. I had some food. I went back to sleep. I woke up at again at 4PM and then at 7PM I went back to sleep. Crazy. But I’m awake today! Yowza!

Yeah. It’s definite. I need to move.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Look, I know the supernatural is something that isn't supposed to happen, but it does happen.

If you know me at all then you know that I don't ever believe that I am having an extra-sensory experience. That being said, the weirdest thing ever happened today at work.

I was waiting on the fourteenth floor for some movers to bring up furniture a tenant had ordered. I was standing there for about a minute when I heard all the elevators start to come up. All the elevators stopped on the fourteenth floor. The doors opened at the same time. Nobody was there. Hu, I thought, that's weird. The doors closed and started to go back down. Then? I heard them all come up again. The same exact thing happened. Six times! And after the third time? The light overhead starting blinking.

Finally the movers came and we got the furniture situation sorted out. They went down in the service elevator. The regular elevator came before I pushed the button. I sh*t you not! Hu, I thought again, that's wicked weird.

I went back down to the office and asked my boss if there had been a power surge or anything. She said no. I said did the lights down here blink? She said no. I said, Hu. That's weird! Then I told her what had happened and she said....wait for it! Were you on the fourteenth floor? Um......yeah. Why do you ask? Because, she said, that's where the man died. 'Scuse me?! What? No thank you! She was freaked out. I was freaked out. I have no desire to ever again go to that floor. End of story. Tell me that's not frickin' creepy! Again? No. Thank. You!

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

People Who Don't Make Me Sad


Dear Reader,
Please, if you haven't already, run out and buy this movie. If you haven't seen it yet don't worry. You won't regret your impulse purchase.

Sincerely,

Dark Fury




The people who made "Bedrooms & Hallways". It's funny and strange....and strangely lovely. My kind of people. Best line in the movie? "You're a strawberry blonde. You can't go out with an ash blonde. It's not right."

All in all a good day of rest and movie watching. Kevin McKidd, James Purefoy and Gerard Butler. What's not to like?

Monday, September 10, 2007

Imitation Is The Sincerest Form Of Flattery

With apologies to Erin . . . .

Use the first letter of your name to answer these categories:

1. Famous Singer/Band:Aerosmith

2. Four letter word: Avid

3. Street: Amhurst Dr

4. Color: Apple Green

5. Gifts/Presents: Airline Tickets (What? A girl can dream.)

6. Vehicle: Andrea Doria (What? It didn't say it had to be a car. A ship is a vehicle.)

7. Things in a Souvenir Shop: Abba CD's (In Sweden...or IKEA)

8. Boy Name: Aidan

9. Girl Name: Anastasia

10. Movie Title: A Streetcar Named Desire

11. Drink: Anisette (sp?)

12. Occupation: Acupuncturist

13. Celebrity: Adrian Brody

14. Magazine: Audubon

15. U.S. City: Anchorage, AK (Twofer!)

16. Pro Sports Teams: Anaheim Ducks (NHL)

17. Fruit: Apricot

18. Reason for Being Late for Work: Accident

19. Something You Throw Away: Ashes

20. Things You Shout: Atta' Boy! (If you lived in the 50's)

21. Cartoon Character: Ariel

Friday, September 7, 2007

I'm either bored or out of my mind (or possibly both)...

Seriously, who made this thing? Why can't they count?

1. How old will you be in five years? 37
2. Who did you spend at least two hours with today? My co-workers.
3. How tall are you? 5'1” . . . AND A HALF!!
4. What do you look forward to most in the next six weeks? Days off?
5. What's the last movie you saw in theaters? The last Die Hard
6. Who was the last person you called? Olivia
7. Who was the last person to call you? Olivia
8. What was the last text message you received? “Unfortunately.” - Patherine Kackard
9. Who was the last person to leave you a voicemail? Olivia
10. Would you rather call or text? Text
11. Are you going to give out your cell number here? Nope
12. Are your parents married/separated/divorced? Divorced
13. When is the last time you saw your mom? An hour ago
14. When is the last time you saw your dad? Eleven years ago
15. Have you ever been to a concert? No. I believe that music is the devil’s work.
16. What are you wearing right now? Chanel No. 5 & a smile
18. Where is your favorite place to be? Right now? Bed. Generally? New York.
19. Where is your least favorite place to be? The dentist.
20. Africa-New Zealand-Japan? New Zealand
21. Where do you think you'll be in 10 years? No clue
22. Do you tan or burn? I’ve had two second degree sun burns. You figure it out.
23. What did you fear as a child? Everything
24. What was the last thing that really made you laugh? Blades of Glory
25. How many TV's do you have in your house? 3
26. How big is your bed? Queen
27. Do you have a laptop or desktop computer? Laptop
28. Do you sleep with or without clothes on? A suit of armor.
29. What color are your sheets? Green check on a white background
30. How many pillows do you sleep with? I have two but I only use one.
31. what is your favorite season? Fall
32. What do you like about fall? The clothes, the temperature, the scenery, the holidays
33. What do you like about winter? It isn’t summer
34. What do you like about the summer? Thunder storms
35. What do you like about spring? My birthday and the weather…in that order.
45. What instant messenger service do you use? I don’t
46. How is your hair currently? Straight and shiny
47. Are you wearing shoes? No
48. How many glasses of water, a day, do you drink on average? Lately? About 4 quarts (the ac is broken in my office)
49. What do you drink in the morning? Water
50. Do you eat breakfast? Only on rare occasions
51. Do you sleep on a certain side of the bed? No
52. Do you know how to play poker? Yes
53. Do you like to cuddle? With whom?
54. Do you like hugs or kisses? Seriously?
55. Favorite TV show? Ugly Betty
56. Do you eat dinner out or at home more often? At home
57. What’s your favorite restaurant? It honestly depends on my mood.
58. Do you know anyone with the same birthday as you? Yes.
59. Do you want kids? Yes.
60. Have you ever been to a live television show taping? No
61. Have you ever gotten stitches? Yes.
62. Have you ever ridden in a fire truck? Nope
63. Do you prefer the ocean or a pool? Ocean
64. Do you prefer a window seat or an aisle seat? Window
65. Do you know how to drive a stick? No
66. What is your favorite thing to spend money on? World Market…anything from World Market
67. Do you wear any jewelry 24/7? No
68. Do you wish on 11:11? Yep
69. Do you get easily embarrassed? Sometimes yes. Sometimes no.
71. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? No. We’re just good friends. Why? What have you heard?
72. What is the main ring tone on your phone? London Calling
73. Do you still have clothes from when you were little? No
74. What orange object is closest to you right now? My Tide To Go pen
75. Do you turn off the water while you brush your teeth? No. I’m a bad person.
76. Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed? Either.
77. Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of bees? I’m allergic to bees so that would definitely kill me. Could I possibly survive the bear attack? I need more info to answer this question.
78. Do you have a car? No. I’m Amish.
79. Are you driving? Right now? No.
80. Do you pump your own gas? Yes, except in LA
81. Can you change the oil on a car? No
82. Have you ever gotten a speeding ticket? no
83. Have you ever ran out of gas while in a car? No. Shouldn’t that be “run”?
84. What is your usual bedtime? Oh, that’s cute!
85. What was the last book you read? The Wee Free Men
86. Do you read the newspaper? Sometimes.
87. Do you read magazines? Yes.
89. What do you fear most? Poverty
90. Do you dance in the car? Only the Hula.

91. What radio station did you last listen to? I-Pod.
92. Who is in the picture frame closest to you? Spencer Tracey
93. What was the last note you scribbled on a piece of paper? A phone message at work
94. What is your favorite candle scent? lemon
95. What is your favorite board game? Trivial Pursuit
96. What school are you going to and when does it start? Um. The school of hard knocks?
97. What is your most missed memory in middle school and or high school? Skipping
98. Who was your favorite teacher in middle/high school? Mr. Andrews
99. What is the longest you have ever camped out in a tent? 24 hours. It sucked. S-U-C-K-E-D
100. Who was the last person to give you butterflies? I’ve never received a butterfly as a gift. It seems like a cruel thing to do.

It may be that the race is not always to the swift-- but that is the way to bet.

I think I was born without an ambition gene. Don’t most people want to succeed in business, make friends and influence people…or something like that? I don’t. I absolutely don’t care if I’m never a CEO. I can’t get it up for a long boring fiscal planning seminar. It’s hot and all but sadly I’m not into it. I can’t think of one thing (in the business world) that I aspire to. My only business related concern? I can’t be poor. Can’t do it. I don’t know how people live like that without having a heart attack. They are better than me and I freely admit that.

Now I hear some of you (Olivia) yelling that I’ve been poor before. This is untrue. The most I have ever been is temporarily without funds. You think it’s the same but it’s not. You may be temporarily without funds for days, weeks, months, years or even centuries but you are never poor as long as you have prospects.

Example: My grandmother came home from school one day and found that her mother had given away her doll. When she asked her mother why she had done such a thing she was told that my great-grandmother had put the doll in the poor box. Again, she asked, why? Because, she was told, those poor children don’t have a doll! It’s our responsibility to take care of the less fortunate.

My grandmother was confused by this. Why? Because it was her only doll and now, thanks to the poor box, she didn’t have a doll at all…was she not less fortunate? Answer? No. Not even a little bit apparently. Because, you see, even though my grandmothers family had had no money to speak of since the 1860’s they had two key things: Upbringing and prospects. As long as you have prospects you’ll always get funds enough . . .eventually. It may take two hundred thousand years but you can wait it out. You know the good times are going to roll around again…eventually.

I can’t wait that long. I can’t live in a shit hole and worry constantly about paying the bills. I can’t. It would give me an ulcer in a month. My point is that as long as I’m paid a living wage I couldn’t give a fiddler’s f*ck for the rest of the business world.

I think I’d like to be a muse. How do you get that job? What does that entail? Just hanging around with artsy types waiting for the paintings to start piling up . . . the verse to flutter down . . . the songs to be sung? Sleeping late? Alcohol? Being a “character” (nice way of saying weirdo)? Check. Check. Aaaaaaaand…Check! I’m over qualified for that gig! Where is that section in the want ads? Actually, now that I think about it. I think I’d be a pretty damn good muse. After all, I’m only ambitious for other people. If I succeed is beside the point. I want you to succeed. That’s much more important to me. I hate to see a talent wasted. Unless it’s my own and then I’m fine with it. See? No ambition. It’s a sickness.

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.

Oy. Where to start? Where. To. Start?

Well, I’ve been at my new job for about three and a half weeks and it’s going well. However, there are now only two people who work in my office. 1.) My manager 2.) Me…That is all. There were two other people but they both went bitch cakes and quit on the same day. So now we’re up to our eyes in work. If I ever see those two again I may kill them. I have one day off this week. Actually, I had one day off this week. It was Wednesday. It is over now, sadly. Oh, well. What can ya’ do? Bloody nothin’ that’s what.

On the up side my manager wants to make me the assistant manager. And me with no ambition to speak of! She has to ask her boss first and it may not happen because, again, I’ve only been there three weeks. But, as my mother said…Crikey! What do you get after a full month? Chairperson of the board? Maybe, ma. Maybe.

I had my day off today and I got to see a couple of my friends. Thank goodness! I was beginning to feel like I was never going to see anybody again! All by myself…don’t want to be…all by myyyyyyyselllllf anymooooore….I went and had my hair straightened. I went and had Chipotle with Olivia and saw Blades of Glory. Also, we did ear candling. It’s awesome! It’s like a high colonic for your ear canal! I can hear everything. Every-bleedin’-thing in the known flippin’ world! It’s crazy. Especially when you consider that I am legitimately half deaf in my left ear. I haven’t been able to hear this well in years. Again? Crazy!

I must away to bed now as I’m back to work in the early morning tomorrow but first! A few shout outs!

Patherine:
Good luck with your thesis. Not that you’ll need it because whatever you write will be brilliant. As far as I’m concerned it’s just a formality and you’ve already gotten the degree. Jane would be so proud!

GirlySmack:
Aaaah! Sadie went to school! Did you love having just Jack at home today or did you cry? I bet a little of both. I also bet that Sadie, whether in a diaper or not, will be one of the most popular kids there. She’s grand and you’ve both done a gorgeous job with your children. Good parenting is lovely to watch and you always give a good example. Also, what font do you want your list in? When I get a chance everybody gets a list!

O-Liv:
Thanks for the candling, man! It was good to finally see you. You see? This is why I’m torn about moving north! I want to be able to see all my people on my days off! It’s a quandary. PS? You are a loser with two “o”s and if I had an umlaut I would use it!

That’s all! See you all…sometime, I’m sure! Comment to me! I feel so alone without comments! I’m a loser. What?!

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.

Just for you ! Hot off the computer! More stream of consciousness….suffer, bitches…..I spell check not - be warned.

I feel like blogging is the computer equivalent of talking to yourself. On the upside people don’t stare at you and cross to the other side of the street when you blog. I’m pretty sure it’s a silly pastime. I also think that it might be helpful in getting me prepped for National Novel Writing Month (November). I’m looking forward to it…a lot. Yeah. I’m a boring geek. What’s your friggin’ point? The intention is to write a novel of 50,000 words (more a novella really but I didn’t name the damn thing). I think it will be exciting. It will also be very hard. Extremely hard. Sweet, sweet torture if you want the truth. 50,000 words in 30 days. Wow. My book is going to suck. No. No. It will Suck. Capital “S”. Why? I can only write dialogue. I’m not too clever at plot points. How does x get to b? Why is Bathsheba scooping out Peter’s eye? Is she robbing Peter to pay Paul? Who knows? Not me. But the repartee will be fantastic. I wonder if it would be possible to write a book of just conversations. I bet it’s been done. Note to self: find out about that. . I bet Katherine could name six books just off the top of her head. She’s the one to ask. I don’t understand why she (you if you’re reading this, Patherine) denigrates her looks. It’s silly. She’s a very pretty girl. I suppose we all do it. It’s stupid. We should stop. We won’t but we should. I could make a list of all the good features of all of my friends and then tack them to their walls so that every day they have to look at it. Would it help? I don’t know. It couldn’t hurt. That would give me something to write about in this blog so that the stream of crap could stop. But it wouldn’t be the same thing and I’ve already committed to this format. Damn the man! I should think things through. I really should. I bet a lot of mistakes would have been avoided that way. But! I’m learning. G-d knows I’m trying at any rate. My mother always says that proper pre-planning prevents piss poor performance. Liv would say that that proves she’s a Virgo. Liv should dance. Dance like a friggin’ dervish. Just twirl and twirl till she falls down with the joy of it. I think she will. There’s another one! Pretty! Doesn’t believe it. I always say that I only hang out with attractive people. Why don’t my friends believe me? Uggos need not apply. I’m shallow. I can admit it. That makes me a bad person doesn’t it? Well, maybe not. Maybe it’s just natural selection? No. I’m the devil. I accept it. The first step is admitting you have a problem. If that could be the last step as well that would be great. If the acceptance and the intention were enough wouldn’t that be grand? It would be like being a Catholic. If you start the day saying to yourself that you’re intention is to go down the street and hit your neighbor with a shovel you can do something else because you’ve already, technically, committed that sin. Pick another! I like sloth quite a bit. That’s a good one. Very restful. My book is going to blow chunks. This is the kind of crap that comes into my head. How can it not be utter crap? Answer? It can’t. Thank G-d the point isn’t to right a good, or even readable, book. What is the point then? I don’t know. Why do people climb Everest? Same reason I guess. But my stupid thing keeps me inside and with all my toes/fingers/nose intact. Take that sherpa!

Sunday, August 19, 2007

I shall stay the way I am because I do not give a damn.

I have realized something. I have reached the age that people now feel it is appropriate to say “and you’re not married?!” in a condemning and disbelieving fashion after they find out how old I am. This, needless to say, is not helpful.

I was at work today playing get to know the new co-worker via meaningless chit chat, as one does, and she asked me if I am currently a party to the wedded state. I said no. A few minutes later she asked me how old I am. I told her that I am thirty-two. She then gasped and said, with eyes made wide by shock, “and you’re not married?!” No. No, I’m not. I believe we just covered that. She then asked me if it was by choice or….the sentence trailed off.

I’m sorry. I don’t understand the question. Are you asking me if it’s my choice not to be married or….am I too ugly/stupid/defective to “catch” a man? Is it my choice or…..is my right to marriage being impeded by those pesky Republicans but it‘s ok because my “roommate“ and I are planning to adopt a child from Asia? Is it my choice or…..has the state decided that I should not be allowed to marry for fear that I will breed more weirdoes like myself? What? What are you asking me?!

I was caught unawares even though I’ve read the “chick lit”! I never understood those scenes in books where the single woman is verbally abused by the married people in the room. Probably because it had never happened to me. I didn’t get it. Now I see. I’ve had my eyes opened for me. And what, you’re wondering, is the point?

The point is that it is never ok to assume that because something is right for you that it is right for every other person on the face of G-d’s little green earth. I’m happy that you’ve found your soul mate. The ying to your yang. That extra special wee little punkin’. The person who, hopefully, gets you. Really. Truly. I am. G-d bless! I, however, have not. And, honestly? I’m ok with it.

I will admit that occasionally I think that life would be made better by having someone around who honest to G-d knows what I think about something without having to ask. Possibly it would be nice to know a man who doesn’t mind if I’m the funny one. I’m not knocking having someone to just sit around and be fuckin’ stupid with who will also not get spooked and run screaming for the anti-psychotics when I exhibit an emotional range larger than a robots. I’m not against keeping a person handy who only wants the best for me and is willing to get screamed at (by me occasionally) for that good thought. All of these things would be peachy. I am for them.

Unfortunately, no such man has come along. What would you have me do? Marry any man who asks me just so I can say that I’ve been married? Or should I hold out for a rich one? That way I can say I was married once and get paid! Both of these options are vile. Call me old fashioned but I’m not going to stand up in front of G-d and everybody and swear to love someone forever with my fingers crossed. I’m kooky like that.

And what if this mythical soul mate of mine did come along? Does that mean I would immediately feel the need to run out and get hitched? Jesus wept! Why would I? You think a ring proves something? You think saying the words makes them true? No. Feeling bound to somebody, not by a ceremony or a statute and for damn sure not by a piece of jewelry but by mutual respect and love, proves something. Demonstrating your love through common every day run of the mill actions makes it true. If you don’t know that you are loved without someone having to say it or perform an expensive ritual then the odds are you aren‘t.

Let us be clear. I do not condemn the married state. I say have at it. I respect anybody’s choice to wed. Hell, if there is an open bar I will be positively giddy for you! But do I long to be married? No. If I see a big mafia bride wedding dress do I think I’ve just got to get me one of those? Nope. Do I have panic attacks because I’ve just got to get hitched before time runs out and I’ll look too dumb wearing white to do it? Uh uh.

I know that some will doubt me. They believe that every woman wants that shiny gold band. They think that without it I will never be complete. That I will wander alone and sad all the days of my life. That this post is the proverbial sour grapes. That if I was asked tomorrow by any Joe Schmoe I’d jump at the chance to be Mrs. Whoeverthefuck. Well, to them I say, that’s alright. You believe what you want and I’ll know that I would rather die alone than live five minutes with the wrong person or feel compelled to run through a formal procedure to prove my devotion.

So, in conclusion, the next time you’re about to assume that everybody either is or should be married stop. Think. Then turn that sentence the hell around and say, “So, how ‘bout those Mets?” instead.

Saturday, August 18, 2007

Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it.

I started my new job on Tuesday. There are some great things and some not so great things about it (as in everything else in life). So, I shall make lists….As I do.

Pros:
1. I’m getting paid.
2. Hot….and I mean HOT men come in every day to look at apartments. Oh! And they’re friggin’ rich! Gotta’ love it.
3. I’ve already found a new gay friend. I know. It’s shocking. So lucky he is there because the business is a little uptight so at least I have one person to talk shit with. Sing Hallelujah! Example? Today the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen up close came in right as D. went to lunch. He whipped around and said he could go later. Oh. Honey. No. You take your lunch! I wouldn’t dream of detaining you. There was much bitterness on his part whilst I laughed like a drain.
4. I’ve only been showing apartments for two days and I’ve already got three lease applications in. Easy? Little bit!
5. All the cholos on the maintenance crew love me. Again, you’re shocked. I know.
6. The commute Monday-Friday is pretty damn good so far. It only takes me an hour and about fifteen minutes each way.
7. There is a Whole Foods Market right next door.
8. Seriously? It’s so friggin’ easy. For someone who hates talking to strangers I’m bloody good at it.
9. With all the walking around I’ve been doing I’m pretty sure I’m being paid to exercise.
10. The tenants, so far, are stupid nice. They’re like Canadians! They are much with the politeness.

Cons:
1. I won’t get my first pay check till 08/31. This is the suck as I need the cash. I had to have my wind shield replaced a few weeks ago and it cost an obscene amount of money.
2. I was told that my outfit today was too casual. They want me to wear suits and shit. However, on the plus side when I explained that I would have to wait a couple of pay checks to improve the old wardrobe they didn’t get pissy about it.
3. The other two people in the office are, as previously mentioned, a wee bit uptight. Seriously. If I dropped the s bomb I think they might faint.
4. I haven’t really been getting any training. They basically showed me the forms and then flung me to the wolves. Also, they keep asking me to do things they haven’t told me how to do yet. It’s a bit annoying but they do, in the end, realize that Oh yeah! We haven’t told her about that yet!
5. All the cholos on the maintenance crew love me.
6. The commute on Saturday is a bitch on wheels. Please, somebody, explain to me what the fuck is up with that!
7. There is a Whole Paycheck Market right next door.
8. I do a lot of filing. A. Lot. Apparently nobody had filed anything for about a month before I got there and when they did they didn’t seem to know their alphabet.
9. It’s very disorganized. Which is a struggle for me. It makes me a little mental.
10. People keep saying, “From where? You drive all that way?! Every day?! Wow!” At least once a day. Come on, people! Get over it! Then, of course, they start talking about how they could never do it…blah…blah…blah. So? You don’t have to. Get a grip.

So, all in all, I like it so far. When I get paid I’ll like it even more.

Saturday, August 11, 2007

People Who Don't Make Me Sad







The people who made these movies.

Why? Because "Mostly Martha" is so good that I could almost ignore the "smooth jazz" soundtrack. Catherine Zeta-Who? And also because "North & South" is a truly great BBC costume drama...and, let's face facts, Richard Armitage is too damn good looking.

In other news! I slept weird and now I can't move my neck. I'm a gimp! Well, no. Not a gimp. What would one call someone who couldn't move their neck? I have no idea. I'm off to od on ibuprofin.

Friday, August 10, 2007

Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is an absurd one.

My Day: 08/09/07

8 - 8:15 AM: Woke Up
8:15 - 10 AM: Got Ready For My Two Interviews
10 AM: Left For First Interview
10 - 11:30 AM: Drove To McLean
11:30: Confused My Right With My Left And Got A Wee Bit Lost
11:40: Back On Track
11:45: Arrived At First Interview
11:45 - 12 PM: Sat In Car Because I Was Way Early For My Interview
12 PM: Entered Building
12 - 12:15 PM: Filled Out Paperwork.
12:15 - 12:25 PM: Worst Interview Ever

A Brief Synopsis Of Worst Interview Ever For Your Edification:
Mr. Idiot Bastard - Andrea?
Me - Actually, it’s Adrienne but -
Mr. Idiot Bastard - Whatever.
Me - (confused) It’s ok. It happens all the time.
Mr. Idiot Bastard spends the rest of the ten minutes staring at my (entirely appropriately clothed) chest and rolling his eyes when I speak.


12:25 - 12:35: Given All Kinds Of Paperwork By The Receptionist In Case I’m Hired…Um, Yeah. Right.
12:35 - 2:15 PM: Drove Back To Fredericksburg Whilst Swearing & Yelling
2:15 - 2:35: Went To Avanti & Had Hair Straightened To Perk Myself Up
2:35 - 3:00: Went To Get Gas And Find A Restroom
3:00 - 4:00 PM: Drove To Alexandria For Second Interview In Pouring Rain
4 - 4:30 PM: Sat In Car Because I Was Way Early For My Interview
4:30 PM: Entered Building
4:30 - 4:50 PM: Filled Out Paperwork
4:50 - 5:45: Best Interview Ever

A Brief Synopsis Of Best Interview Ever For Your Edification:
The lady interviewing me said, and I quote, that I seemed perfect (repeatedly) and that with my personality she would think that I’d be able to easily rent five or six apartments a month. She also laughed in all the right places and when she asked me customer service/sales question she said (repeatedly) that my answers are what she herself would have done. She lastly said that she had to make a decision by tomorrow (08/10/07) and that she’d call me then (today).


5:45 - 7:30 PM: Drove Home Whilst Singing Loudly To The Radio

Now it’s 2:38PM the next day and I’ve heard nothing from the nice lady. So, what? What the hell?! I’ve been thinking positively all day (till now) and I’m still trying to keep a good thought but GD! If I suck I do wish people would just tell me! At least that way I don’t get my hopes up. Is that too much to ask? Apparently it is.

UPDATED TO ADD:
I don't suck! I just got the call from the apartment building. Tomorrow I go to get drug tested and, providing I'm not a heroine adict and my references work out, I start on Tuesday at 9AM.