Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Anon's Post As Requested

"Oh Captain, My Captain!"

I have been asked to write about the "typical teenager". But I don't know that I've ever met a typical teenager. I've met and/or gone to school with plenty of stereotypical teens. Like, for instance, the captain of the football team type. We had one of those.

Was he typical? Well, he wore pancake makeup, work boots and short shorts so, I don't know, maybe? Although I'm pretty sure that stereotype is more prevalent in a certain kind of porn than on a high school football team. I might be wrong.

We also had your typical redneck jock cretins, on the same team, who either A. didn't notice their captains outfits or B. didn't care. Either way they were all friends and didn't, that I ever heard, refuse to share a locker room or shower with him. That seems pretty open minded and atypical. Maybe they just knew they weren't his type. Or maybe they knew they were. Whatever gets ya' through a losing season boys. Whatever.


OK. Who's next?

Monday, March 24, 2008

Erin's Post As Requested

Daly Bread greets you with it’s tongue in cheek religious motif before you even walk in the door. The sign in the front window welcomes customers with the slogan “Ask and ye shall receive….If we feel like it & aren’t sold out.” A large, laminated poster of “Buddy Christ”, a familiar figure to fans of Kevin Smith’s oeuvre (That’s right we put Kevin Smith and oeuvre in the same sentence. Deal with it.) acts as the daily special board. When asked why it isn’t a “Daly” special board the owner and head baker seems confused before shrugging and asking the following question. “Because that would be stupid?” She looks down brushing crumbs off of the counter while she continues to give me what I will quickly learn is the Daly Bread manifesto. “We’re all about snarky. We’ll take quirky if we have to but we don’t do cute.”

No. Daly Bread and it’s owner don’t do cute. What they do is bread, obviously, pastry, fresh pasta, coffee and, after four o’clock (because it’s five o’clock somewhere), cocktails. And they do them damn well.

Daly Bread began it’s trek to, what the owner calls, “semi-security” as a pipe dream. The kind millions have and few realize. Luckily, for the carb eating population, the owner hit the lottery. Seriously. You can’t make that kind of thing up. This afforded her the opportunity to attend Chicago’s illustrious “French Pastry School” and the ready cash to buy the building which now houses both Daly Bread and the owners apartment. It is, she says, a “bitchin’ commute.”

Daly Bread is best known for it’s Super Hero items. A selection of cakes, pies, cookies and other assorted pastry named after the owner’s friends or at least their super hero names. “What can I say? We’re all a bit demented but basically decent. Ya’ know, like super heroes.” The stars of this side of the menu are, without doubt, the Blonde Justice, a super moist key lime sour cream pound cake with a lemon glaze, and the Sister Scissor, an orange Madeleine, soaked in Grand Marnier and drizzled with dark chocolate. They are surprisingly simple and, at a range of $4 to $8 a pop, cheap. Which is part of the reason the owner says she got into the business.

“Look,” she begins, never taking her eyes off of the egg whites she is folding into the base of the potato and leak soufflĂ© (a nod to her Irish roots, something she may make a daily special at some point and just a lark. She thought it might be fun to eat.) she’s experimenting with. “I come from a small town. It’s hard to find good bread outside of the city. Pastry? Deserts? Forget about it! Unless you’re willing to pay a million dollars a slice. So, I thought, why should the rich, who can afford to have their meals imported from Mars if they feel like it, be the only ones who can afford good food? Answer? No reason! Are we Food Lion cheap? No. Are we so expensive that you have to sell a kidney to get a wedding cake? No. Besides, it’s not like I’m using gold leaf or anything. Everything is basically a simple recipe jazzed up or not, depending.” She stops to pour the batter into ramekins. “Depending,” I ask, “on what?” She places the soufflĂ©s gently into the oven and turns to me brushing her bangs out of her eyes and laughing. “Whether or not I damn well feel like it!” Daly Bread. It ain’t cute but we guarantee you’ll be back.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Here's An Idea . . . .

If you want me to blog more give me a topic and I'll bang out at least 100 words for you. Anything you like. Hit me! I may even do research. Or I might just make up some statistics. It's a crap shoot, honestly.

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Blatant Consumerism

I am a bad Socialist. BAD! I just bought the TV above and it makes me happy. Way, way happier than my crappy old tube TV.
Thank G-d for the Best Buy credit card. 6 months no interest? Yes, please!

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Food is an important part of a balanced diet. ~Fran Lebowitz

I’ve, according to Erin, gone granola. Hmmm. Well, damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. Oh, if you will, the humanity!

How can she say such a thing? I am hurt and offended!

Side Bar: The following are deeply delicious.


Is It Me?

Today my mother called and left the following message on my voice mail:

"This is your mother. Did your grandmother call you? She called me but didn't leave a message. When I called her back nobody answered so I was just calling to see if she called you. That is all."

My grandmother hadn't called me.

I called my grandmother.

Grandmother: Hello?
Me: Hi. My mother wants to know why you called her.
Grandmother: Oh. Well, I called her to tell her to call you and tell you to call me but she didn't answer.
Me: Ooookay. Well, what do you need?
Grandmother: Can you go to the store for me?
Me: Yeah
(Long Pause)
Me: What do you want from the store?
Grandmother: Milk, remember 1%, catsup and, I guess, that's all.
Me: Ok, wel--
Grandmother:(cutting me off) OK, bye. (Hangs Up)

I ask you, is it me?

Thursday, March 6, 2008

Three (3) Random Things

1. I love these damn things. They're delicious and nutritious. That's what we call multi-tasking. Well, ok, we don't but some people do...admittedly I can't think of any.
2. I'm going to go to IKEA on Sunday and buy this desk. I love it to the power of that an actual number? I'm sorry. I don't know. But I do speak binary. 111100100010001011110001? Well, naturally! Why do you ask, you total 0010010110100!

3. I bought this skirt on Ebay. I think it's rather lovely.
4. I must sleep now because I no longer drink soda and, without caffeine, I find it hard to function.
5. Yes, I know I said three (3) random things and actually gave you five (5) but, ya' know what? The last time I checked this was a free country.