The Spider That Wouldn't Die

I have feared spiders since birth. Well, maybe not birth. I was a trifle busy that day. But sometime after that I found out that there were spiders. I realized on my own that they were evil. Works, if you will, of Beelzebub, Satan, The Dark One Who Lives Below.

Up until I was nine my mother killed all spiders for me. In our house, in the car, in the yard. I made her kill spiders in stores. I could not suffer a spider to live. It freaked me out to think that they were still there . . . Somewhere . . . Probably plotting to crawl across my face as I slept. They had to be destroyed. My mother was the spider eradicator.

One evening, when I was nine, I was sitting on the floor of our living room watching television. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a movement. I turned. Time seemed to stop. There, standing not four feet from me, was a spider. I shrieked for my mother as if Freddy Kruger were breaking in to murder me. My mother, naturally, came a runnin’.

What greeted my mother’s panicked eyes? Me screaming in front of the television and pointing at the floor. The spider, you see, was so small that she couldn’t see it until she knelt down beside me…and squinted. She pointed this out to me. I continued to hyperventilate. My mother decided that this tiny creature would be my first kill. My practice spider, if you will. A warm up for all the times she wouldn’t be there later on in life and I’d have to squash spiders with extreme prejudice by myself.

My mother handed me a rolled up magazine. I took it with hands made shaky with fear. I took a deep breath, crawled up behind the spider, in case it decided to bolt (how did I decide what the back was? No idea. I just knew.), raised my arm and…THWACK! The magazine came down on the spider with all the miniscule strength in my nine year old arm. I looked under the magazine. The spider moved. I hit it again. I looked again. The spider crawled to the left. I hit it again…and again…and again. I looked. The spider crept to the right….And this, my friends, is when I lost my mind.

I grabbed my math book and began pounding the spider over and over again while screaming, at the top of my considerable lungs, DIE! DIE! My mother, who had gone back to the kitchen, came a runnin’ once again. She grabbed me up and sat me on the couch. I continued to stare, fixedly, at the book laying on top of, what I assumed was, The Spider Who Wouldn’t Die. She demanded to know what had happened.

Through my tears I looped up at my mother. “It won’t die,” I said. “It has to die.” My mother went over and lifted up the book. She took a tissue from the side table, scooped up the spider, and squished it between her paper covered fingers. “There,” she said. “Dead. Happy now?” I nodded.

I never had to kill another spider….

Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege. - Anon.

I love random weirdness. Love. It. If you know me at all then you know this.

So, are we surprised that seeing a beat up old 80’s wreck of a car on the side of the road makes me happy? Not weird yet? OK. How about the driver standing outside of the vehicle being interrogated by a police officer? No? Did I mention the man being “interviewed” was screaming and gesticulating wildly? No, but you still aren’t impressed….Oh! I forgot to tell you! The gentleman was wearing a too small t-shirt and underpants and, no. Wait. That’s all he was wearing.

Not particularly attractive underpants.

All I heard, as I drove by, was the loon…I mean gentleman screaming “my girlfriend!”

Here’s what I think happened -

Earlier this afternoon the gentleman, surprised by the beautiful weather, was extraordinarily warm. Sadly, the AC in his trailer was on the fritz! Oh, how warm he got. Finally, cranky and itchy from the heat, he couldn’t stand it anymore! He called his girlfriend, LoRetty, to ask if he could come over to her place and enjoy her AC. Unfortunately, LoRetty didn’t answer. Remembering that she had dropped her phone at the meth lab they had visited earlier in the week and that it was probably still wonky from the chemicals he decided to drive over and see if she was home. On the way there who should he see walking down the road? LoRetty! He called out to her as he pulled over. She turned and, not recognizing him due to her poor eye sight, walked over to the car and leaned into the window to see if she could recognize him. After establishing that it was in fact her boyfriend she reminded him that he still owed her his half of the meth money from the aforementioned drug run. As he handed her the money from the glove box a police car pulled up behind them! The flashing of the lights startled poor LoRetty who scampered off, like a young gazelle, across the field and into the woods. The officer, misinterpreting the situation as those suspicious people tend to do, asked the gentleman to step out of the vehicle. At this point our unfortunate hero realized that he had been so crazy from the lack of sweet cool air that he had neglected to put on his pants!

Oh, the humanity!

I Am An Idiot . . . Act Surprised!

I just took a lemon/sour cream cake out of the oven. In 10 minutes I need to turn it out. I hate that part. I live in fear of it not coming out of the pan smoothly.

Also, it just occured to me that when you're making up a recipe as you go along a party might not be the best time to try it out.

Yeah.

I have a panic disorder brought on by cake. Don't judge me!

The Ballad Of The Snubbly Brothers

After a brisk row on the river the Snubbly brothers liked to get dressed up and go in to town for a fine dinner and maybe a show, if there happened to be anything playing that all three could agree on. The twins, Phimble and Pahlavi, didn't mind the general stir that always accompanied these excursions but their older brother, Claudio, really loved the spotlight. Claudio longed for the day when he'd be discovered but he'd given up explaining his hopes and dreams to his brothers.

In the past, when he'd tried to tell them of his yearnings, they'd listened to him kindly but he could tell they were really more interested in the motor cross race on the television. Yes, it was true, the twins lived for sport and Claudio longed for drama. Where it would all end no one could tell.

If only the probate judge would finally resolve the various issues surrounding their father's estate each brother could afford to strike out on his own and try for the elusive brass ring of LIFE.

I Must Be Seriously Ill.

Hi. My name is Dark Fury and. . . . I have a mental problem.

I realized this two days ago when I saw the above picture and thought "Damn it, he's hot!" Why is it that I find this look attractive? I don't know. . . I don't care. I know it's wicked weird but I love the trashiness of it.

I accept that I will need therapy, medication and prayer to come to grips with this difficulty and hope that you, as my friend, will be there for me in this my time of need.

Yours in Christ,
Dark Fury

PS Does anybody else hear that? Jump around......jump around.........jump........up........jump up.........and get..........down.....