"Ducking for apples -- change one letter and it's the story of my life." - Dorothy Parker

My two favorite poems by my favorite poet (because a woman doctor is not a doctoress, that's why).

Inventory
by
Dorothy Parker

Four be the things I am wiser to know:
Idleness, sorrow, a friend and a foe.

Four be the things I'd been better without:
Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.

Three be the things I shall never attain:
Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.

Three be the things I shall have till I die:
Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.

Love Song
by
Dorothy Parker

My own dear love, he is strong and bold
And he cares not what comes after.
His words ring sweet as a chime of gold,
And his eyes are lit with laughter.
He is jubilant as a flag unfurled-
Oh, a girl she'd not forget him.
My own dear love, he is all my world-
And I wish I'd never met him.

My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet,
And a wild young wood-thing bore him!
The ways are fair to his roaming feet,
And the skies are sunlit for him.
As sharply sweet to my heart he seems
As the fragrance of acacia.
My own dear love, he is all my dreams-
And I wish he were in Asia.

My love runs by like a day in June,
And he makes no friend of sorrows.
He'll tread his galloping rigadoon
In the pathways of the morrows.
He'll live his days where the sunbeams start,
Nor could storm or wind uproot him.
My own dear love, he is all my heart-
And I wish somebody'd shoot him.

Oh, what the hell? One more!

Unfortunate Coincidence
by
Dorothy Parker

By the time you swear you're his,
Shivering and sighing,
And he vows his passion is
Infinite, undying -
Lady, make a note of this:
One of you is lying.

People (don't always) Make Me Sad

You. MUST. See. This.

If you aren't laughing like a mad thing until you spew sick within the first five minutes there is something wrong with you and you are, sadly, dead to me. I'll miss you . . . but you're dead to me!

Click below for more info.

http://www.amazon.com/Spaced-Complete/dp/B0019MFY3Q/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=dvd&qid=1217459210&sr=8-1

A Wee Slice Of Scots Cheesecake . . . Or Should That Be Deep Fried Mars Bar?

Craig Ferguson.

Funny.

Lovely.

Stay up till 1:30.

You know you want to.

Chivalry isn’t dead it’s just taking a very long nap.

I went to DC on Monday for a job interview (see post below). As we all know, I imagine, I have no sense of direction. If it isn’t on or near 14th , G or H St then I have no idea where it is. Now, given an hour or so, I can usually find it. It just takes a while.

On Monday the traffic was, in a word, sucky. No. It was beyond sucky to horrendous. I left at 8 and got into DC at 10:15. My interview was at 11. So, knowing that I have no sense of direction, I decided to park and take a cab to my destination.

I found a parking garage. I paid the nice man (not sarcasm, surprisingly), left my key and ran to the corner. I then proceeded to get passed by about six taxis.

Finally, after what felt like a year (keep in mind it was about 90 degrees and I panic if I think I’m going to be late), a taxi pulled over in front of me. Jubilation! Wait. No. Not jubilation. Wailing and gnashing of teeth! The cab had pulled up for a man in a grey suit standing behind me. Great, I thought, just perfect. I turned back to the street so that I could try and flag another cab.

Before I could raise my arm the man standing behind me tapped me on the shoulder. I turned; ready to be venomous to this usurper of transport. He smiled and held open the cab door.

“Take this one. I have time.”

I was stunned. Literally. I could feel my mouth start to hang open like a slack jawed yokel. I stopped it just in time. I said thank you, most politely, as I (attempted) to slide into the seat. Sadly, my perfect and graceful entrance was ruined by the fact that my shoe fell off as I was getting in. I grabbed it and attempted to fling it in to the cab without anyone noticing. As if. He held the door for me the entire time. I said thanks again.

“You have a nice day, miss.”

Then he shut the door and I was off. I arrived at my interview at 10:30. Thirty minutes to spare!

Thank you, Mister Grey Suit, wherever you are. If ever I think it’s time to give up on men and become a nun (would a convent take a Jewish girl?) I shall remember you came along and saved the day. Well done, sir. Well done.

Rent This.

I know, I know. You think you won't enjoy it. You think I only enjoyed it because it has 4 things going for it that I enjoy anyway.

A. Vince Vaughn

B. Comedy

C. Documentary

and, of course,

D. Vince Vaughn

You are wrong. Rent it. Is it the best movie ever? No. Obviously not. Is it well worth your time? Yes, if only for the extras.

Quick, like a bunny.

Sweet Lord, I love this movie.

"We had two bags of grass, seventy-five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high-powered blotter acid, a saltshaker half-full of cocaine, and a whole galaxy of multi-colored uppers, downers, laughers, screamers... Also, a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of beer, a pint of raw ether, and two dozen amyls. Not that we needed all that for the trip, but once you get locked into a serious drug collection, the tendency is to push it as far as you can. The only thing that really worried me was the ether. There is nothing in the world more helpless and irresponsible and depraved than a man in the depths of an ether binge, and I knew we'd get into that rotten stuff pretty soon. "

"Let's get down to brass tacks. How much for the ape?"

"What kind of rat bastard psychotic would play that song right now, at this moment? "

Finally, A Bit Of Bloody Justice!

It has just come to my attention that Craig Ferguson beat Conan O'Brian in the ratings for the first time recently. At last! Justice. I deep down love this mans show. Hell! I lurve him. Yeah. That's right! I said it! What?

Well, now we're just getting silly.

If you're unfamiliar with his work just look to the right. What's not to love? And he's super cute, no? Watch it!

“If you're frightened of leprechauns, the best thing to do is to get yourself a little leprechaun outfit and see how big they are. And then you'll go, 'Well I see. That's like bein' frightened of a hampster.'” - Craig Ferguson

"This is my first week as an American citizen. It's amazing. Now I can vote in the general election- and for American Idol." - Craig Ferguson

"I think I'll be Scottish in every movie I write. They always try to talk me out of it, but Woody Allen is always a nebbish New Yorker. Why shouldn't I be a goofy Glaswegian?" - Craig Ferguson

"I haven't had a drink in thirteen years, but occasionally I'm tempted to have one beer. The problem is that if I have that one beer, I wake up in Tijuana four days later with a tattoo and a sore ass." - Craig Ferguson

EDITED TO ADD: His book is great as well. Loved it! "Between the Bridge & the River" - Buy it. Fuck the library. Buy the bastard.

People (Don't Always) Make Me Sad

5 Words . . . .

"Dorothy Mantooth is a saint!"

2 more words . . . .

Like Everest.

That's all.

People (don't always) Make Me Sad

Ricky Gervais. What can I say? The man is a damn genius. If you haven't seen The Office (UK) or Extras you must. That's just it.

I'm Not A Robot

http://www.freerice.com/


Go to this site. Build your vocabulary for a good cause.

People (don't always) Make Me Sad

Some people delight and sadden me at the same time. What? I’m Bi-polar. Don’t judge me. Terry Pratchett is a prime example. He’s a brilliant and insane human being. He is, dare I say it, a genius. I wait with baited breath for each of his new books. I buy them in hard cover which I don’t do with any other author if only for the fact that they’re a bitch to lug around. I then buy them in paper back as well. Why? Portability is key. I read them in one sitting. They make me inordinately happy. They also depress me.

Every time I read one of his books I end up thinking the same thing. “Damn. I wish I’d written that.” The strange thing? I’m not a writer. Never have been. Don’t intend to be one. It’s just something about his structure and sense of humor that makes me mental. He’s got a laser beam in his head pointed directly at the weird and mockable in the world and he never misses. Well, I guess he wouldn’t what with the laser sight and all.

I feel the same way about Dorothy Parker. It’s like when you see a really good movie and you think, “Wow! I wish I’d been in that.” Wait. Other people think that right? It’s not just me. Can’t be. I refuse to believe it. The movie example is rare . . . . And getting rarer these days. In fact I can’t think of a recent example to give. Usually these days it’s not an entire movie so much as one good role. Which is sad. Are movies getting worse? I feel like they don’t deliver as they used to. But Mr. Pratchett? Every time. Every damn time.

“God does not play dice with the universe; He plays an ineffable game of his own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of the players, (ie everybody), to being involved in an obscure and complex version of poker in a pitch-dark room, with blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a Dealer who won't tell you the rules, and who smiles all the time.”
--Terry Pratchett

"Everything starts somewhere, although many physicists disagree."
--Terry Pratchett

People Who Don't make Me Sad

Rowan Atkinson. Who's funnier than this man? Answer? Nobody. Mr. Bean? I hate it. But, well, one swallow does not a summer make. So, let's not judge too harshly.



The Thin Blue Line - Funny Cops




Black Adder - Funny History

People Who Don't Make Me Sad

Dear Reader,
Please, if you haven't already, run out and buy this movie. If you haven't seen it yet don't worry. You won't regret your impulse purchase.

Sincerely,

Dark Fury




The people who made "Bedrooms & Hallways". It's funny and strange....and strangely lovely. My kind of people. Best line in the movie? "You're a strawberry blonde. You can't go out with an ash blonde. It's not right."

All in all a good day of rest and movie watching. Kevin McKidd, James Purefoy and Gerard Butler. What's not to like?

People Who Don't Make Me Sad

The people who made these movies.

Why? Because "Mostly Martha" is so good that I could almost ignore the "smooth jazz" soundtrack. Catherine Zeta-Who? And also because "North & South" is a truly great BBC costume drama...and, let's face facts, Richard Armitage is too damn good looking.

In other news! I slept weird and now I can't move my neck. I'm a gimp! Well, no. Not a gimp. What would one call someone who couldn't move their neck? I have no idea. I'm off to od on ibuprofin.

Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is an absurd one.

My Day: 08/09/07

8 - 8:15 AM: Woke Up
8:15 - 10 AM: Got Ready For My Two Interviews
10 AM: Left For First Interview
10 - 11:30 AM: Drove To McLean
11:30: Confused My Right With My Left And Got A Wee Bit Lost
11:40: Back On Track
11:45: Arrived At First Interview
11:45 - 12 PM: Sat In Car Because I Was Way Early For My Interview
12 PM: Entered Building
12 - 12:15 PM: Filled Out Paperwork.
12:15 - 12:25 PM: Worst Interview Ever

A Brief Synopsis Of Worst Interview Ever For Your Edification:
Mr. Idiot Bastard - Andrea?
Me - Actually, it’s Adrienne but -
Mr. Idiot Bastard - Whatever.
Me - (confused) It’s ok. It happens all the time.
Mr. Idiot Bastard spends the rest of the ten minutes staring at my (entirely appropriately clothed) chest and rolling his eyes when I speak.

12:25 - 12:35: Given All Kinds Of Paperwork By The Receptionist In Case I’m Hired…Um, Yeah. Right.
12:35 - 2:15 PM: Drove Back To Fredericksburg Whilst Swearing & Yelling
2:15 - 2:35: Went To Avanti & Had Hair Straightened To Perk Myself Up
2:35 - 3:00: Went To Get Gas And Find A Restroom
3:00 - 4:00 PM: Drove To Alexandria For Second Interview In Pouring Rain
4 - 4:30 PM: Sat In Car Because I Was Way Early For My Interview
4:30 PM: Entered Building
4:30 - 4:50 PM: Filled Out Paperwork
4:50 - 5:45: Best Interview Ever

A Brief Synopsis Of Best Interview Ever For Your Edification:
The lady interviewing me said, and I quote, that I seemed perfect (repeatedly) and that with my personality she would think that I’d be able to easily rent five or six apartments a month. She also laughed in all the right places and when she asked me customer service/sales question she said (repeatedly) that my answers are what she herself would have done. She lastly said that she had to make a decision by tomorrow (08/10/07) and that she’d call me then (today).

5:45 - 7:30 PM: Drove Home Whilst Singing Loudly To The Radio

Now it’s 2:38PM the next day and I’ve heard nothing from the nice lady. So, what? What the hell?! I’ve been thinking positively all day (till now) and I’m still trying to keep a good thought but GD! If I suck I do wish people would just tell me! At least that way I don’t get my hopes up. Is that too much to ask? Apparently it is.

UPDATED TO ADD:
I don't suck! I just got the call from the apartment building. Tomorrow I go to get drug tested and, providing I'm not a heroine adict and my references work out, I start on Tuesday at 9AM.