Originally Posted: Wednesday, July 18, 2007
What do all the Playboy playmates since 1976 have in common besides the obvious? Scott Baio.
In case any of you missed this most intriguing of "celebreality" shows from VH1 let me recap it for you. Scott Baio (Happy Days, Joanie Loves Chachi, Charles In Charge, etc.) is forty-five and not married. He has, apparently, decided that this means that there is something wrong with him. So, what did he do? He hired himself a life coach to figure out his issue and conquer it. Way to be Mr. Baio. The first step is admitting you have a problem.
Now, to his credit, he did hire the only qualified applicant to be his life coach. He passed up the psychic, the "body feng shui" expert, and the hooker….no, seriously. She was a hooker. He picked the clinical psychologist. So far so good.
His first assignment from the life coach is to stop seeing his current girlfriend and to be celibate for the entire eight weeks of the "process". Hmmm….what can one say about that? Well, he didn't seem to have much of a problem with the no girlfriend part of the task but celibacy will be a problem.
Hu?
Oh! Right! He's a pathological philanderer! I forgot! Sorry. Did I not mention he's cheated on every girlfriend he's ever had (except the current one...sure. Right. You bet.)?
Let's do some math! It'll be fun! If he started dating when he was sixteen and he's now forty-five let's assume he's dated, conservatively, one woman a year then that's twenty-nine girlfriends. Now, let's, again being conservative, say he cheated on each one with three different women that's eighty-seven women. The scary part? I'm not including strippers/hookers that have probably come along. Is it any wonder that one of his ex's tells him she got her first AIDs test because of him? The only question on that episode is why is he shocked by that?
Now, it gets complicated after the first assignment so, I'm going to stop explaining the show to you. I think you've gotten the point.
What I really want to know is how much is he paying this life coach because I can solve his problem in ten minutes. Two problems and two steps. That's it. Done!
All he has to do to figure out the first part of his problem is look at a picture of each girlfriend then think about what he tells somebody when they ask him what he's looking for in a woman. The answer? Blonde hair! Blonde hair! (his exclamations not mine) Big tits, no taller than 5'6 and a nice ass. He wants a blonde hottie. That's all. Period. Full stop. Wow. Those are the only qualifications that matter? It doesn't take a psychologist to figure this out! He's been dating the same person since he was sixteen!
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I know that it's not right to assume that these women are all alike. I'm sure they have vast differences. One likes butterfly tattoos and another probably likes unicorns. One wants a tiny puppy to carry around in an expensive carrier and the other wants a kitty. One can count to ten with her shoes on and the others can't. Big woop. Basically they're still the same person.
Jesus! It's like those couples that get married then they get divorced and then they get married again…divorced….married again…divorced…married again…divorced…You get the point. It doesn't work out. Why? Because it's the same person! They haven't changed! You're the same person! You haven't changed! It's not rocket science.
Actually, when you think about it, a lot of people do this. They have a certain type in their head and they can't get around it. For the sake of argument let's say that I have a type. Let's say the type is, oh, I don't know. . . .Blonde! Blonde! No taller than 5'6, a nice ass and a big dick. That's all. I'll only go out with people who meet this criteria. I don't care about anything else. They can believe that Hitler had some good ideas as long as they fit this criteria. As long as they are super fine they can speak of themselves exclusively in the third person.
How long could such a relationship last? Not very long. Why? Because it's only about the physical. Don't get me wrong. Physical attraction is important. It's what gets you in the door. However, after that you better have something in common.
And there you have the real problem. His type is very Midwest/California girl. In fact, all his girlfriends are from the Midwest or California (OK, Pam Anderson is from Canada but small town Canada so same diff). Mr. Baio is a first generation Italian-American (who does research for their readers? I do!) from Brooklyn. He's forty-five and he's never dated anyone even close to his age since Erin Moran from Happy Days. Gee. What could the problem be? They have no common frame of reference. It's like me dating a sixty-five year old evangelical Baptist from North Dakota. Can you picture it? Me neither.
Now, I'm not saying that you have to be the scary couple that is exactly alike but you have to have something in common. And, from the show I saw and the clips from the other shows, he hasn't got a damn thing to talk about with these women, so, when the flush of lust has run it's course what's left? Nothin'. Therefore, he's out the door. The upside? At least he didn't pull a Nick Lachey (sp?) and marry a bimbo just because he wanted to bang her like a drum. No need to pay alimony so far! Good job!
If I was his life coach his first task would be to go to a bookstore. Stand in a section that he likes (literature, sci-fi, mystery, history, religion, etc.) when a girl comes along that he's attracted to and, ideally, picks up a book that he himself has enjoyed strike up a conversation. Picking up broads is not difficult for this man. Why? Who knows? Maybe he has great personal magnetism when you're in his presence. Whatever. Hell, I'm not even nixing fake tits! Just make sure you have something in common. That's all I'm sayin'. Task one down!
Now, for all that I've said, I must admit that Mr. Baio doesn't strike me as a bad person. I actually believe that he wants to figure out what his problem is. Good for him. His friends all seem to be behind him as well. Actually, all his friends but one are behind him and there you have the second problem. That guy, who's name I've forgotten, has been getting laid for years just by hanging out with Scott Baio.
How sad is that? He essentially takes the leftovers and that's ok with him. In fact that's great with him! He flips out when Mr. Baio announces his plan to be celibate and eventually, hopefully, get married. Some friend.
This guy is a friggin' animal. He's a mooch. His goal in life is to be a life of the party guy. The only problem? He's unattractive, a pain in the ass and a real cheap piece of goods.
Examples? Oh, well, if you insist!
In the first episode they run into the brother of Ron Howard. The friend has no interest in him at all until he figures out who he's related to. Then he's all over him! Schmuck. PS? You have to love Ron Howard's brother because he's on to him from the word go. Poor bastard probably gets it all the time. However, that doesn't make it right. To Mr. Baio's credit he recognizes that his friend is a putz in this instance and gets him out of there.
In a later episode he brings a stripper/hooker to his friends house after he is specifically told not to do so. You remember that friend? The one who is trying to be celibate for the first time in twenty-nine years? The one who wants to make a commitment to his girlfriend or, at least, figure out why he can't? Why does he do this? Because he wants his friend to fail. Because if his friend fails he wins. Nice. Very nice. Again, some friend!
Now, to be fair, I don't blame the friend for Mr. Baio's failure in turning down the nice lady's offer, which is implied by the clip I saw, in this instance. He's a grown man. He can say no to a hooker if he wants to. He clearly doesn't want to. However, I blame the friend for putting the stumbling block in his way. It seems whenever they're around each other they just pull one another further down into the pit of yuck. I don't get it.
Task two? Dump the mooch. No more. He's out. Yes, it would be hard but not impossible. Besides, why would you hang out with someone who only brings out the worst in you? Who constantly embarrasses you? Who uses you? Why would you allow yourself to be turned into this kind of an animal? It's ridiculous. He's forty-five. Time to grow up. Be a man.
That's it. The second and final step taken care of. Eight weeks? Fuck that! I got the problem knocked.
Where's my check?!
What do all the Playboy playmates since 1976 have in common besides the obvious? Scott Baio.
In case any of you missed this most intriguing of "celebreality" shows from VH1 let me recap it for you. Scott Baio (Happy Days, Joanie Loves Chachi, Charles In Charge, etc.) is forty-five and not married. He has, apparently, decided that this means that there is something wrong with him. So, what did he do? He hired himself a life coach to figure out his issue and conquer it. Way to be Mr. Baio. The first step is admitting you have a problem.
Now, to his credit, he did hire the only qualified applicant to be his life coach. He passed up the psychic, the "body feng shui" expert, and the hooker….no, seriously. She was a hooker. He picked the clinical psychologist. So far so good.
His first assignment from the life coach is to stop seeing his current girlfriend and to be celibate for the entire eight weeks of the "process". Hmmm….what can one say about that? Well, he didn't seem to have much of a problem with the no girlfriend part of the task but celibacy will be a problem.
Hu?
Oh! Right! He's a pathological philanderer! I forgot! Sorry. Did I not mention he's cheated on every girlfriend he's ever had (except the current one...sure. Right. You bet.)?
Let's do some math! It'll be fun! If he started dating when he was sixteen and he's now forty-five let's assume he's dated, conservatively, one woman a year then that's twenty-nine girlfriends. Now, let's, again being conservative, say he cheated on each one with three different women that's eighty-seven women. The scary part? I'm not including strippers/hookers that have probably come along. Is it any wonder that one of his ex's tells him she got her first AIDs test because of him? The only question on that episode is why is he shocked by that?
Now, it gets complicated after the first assignment so, I'm going to stop explaining the show to you. I think you've gotten the point.
What I really want to know is how much is he paying this life coach because I can solve his problem in ten minutes. Two problems and two steps. That's it. Done!
All he has to do to figure out the first part of his problem is look at a picture of each girlfriend then think about what he tells somebody when they ask him what he's looking for in a woman. The answer? Blonde hair! Blonde hair! (his exclamations not mine) Big tits, no taller than 5'6 and a nice ass. He wants a blonde hottie. That's all. Period. Full stop. Wow. Those are the only qualifications that matter? It doesn't take a psychologist to figure this out! He's been dating the same person since he was sixteen!
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I know that it's not right to assume that these women are all alike. I'm sure they have vast differences. One likes butterfly tattoos and another probably likes unicorns. One wants a tiny puppy to carry around in an expensive carrier and the other wants a kitty. One can count to ten with her shoes on and the others can't. Big woop. Basically they're still the same person.
Jesus! It's like those couples that get married then they get divorced and then they get married again…divorced….married again…divorced…married again…divorced…You get the point. It doesn't work out. Why? Because it's the same person! They haven't changed! You're the same person! You haven't changed! It's not rocket science.
Actually, when you think about it, a lot of people do this. They have a certain type in their head and they can't get around it. For the sake of argument let's say that I have a type. Let's say the type is, oh, I don't know. . . .Blonde! Blonde! No taller than 5'6, a nice ass and a big dick. That's all. I'll only go out with people who meet this criteria. I don't care about anything else. They can believe that Hitler had some good ideas as long as they fit this criteria. As long as they are super fine they can speak of themselves exclusively in the third person.
How long could such a relationship last? Not very long. Why? Because it's only about the physical. Don't get me wrong. Physical attraction is important. It's what gets you in the door. However, after that you better have something in common.
And there you have the real problem. His type is very Midwest/California girl. In fact, all his girlfriends are from the Midwest or California (OK, Pam Anderson is from Canada but small town Canada so same diff). Mr. Baio is a first generation Italian-American (who does research for their readers? I do!) from Brooklyn. He's forty-five and he's never dated anyone even close to his age since Erin Moran from Happy Days. Gee. What could the problem be? They have no common frame of reference. It's like me dating a sixty-five year old evangelical Baptist from North Dakota. Can you picture it? Me neither.
Now, I'm not saying that you have to be the scary couple that is exactly alike but you have to have something in common. And, from the show I saw and the clips from the other shows, he hasn't got a damn thing to talk about with these women, so, when the flush of lust has run it's course what's left? Nothin'. Therefore, he's out the door. The upside? At least he didn't pull a Nick Lachey (sp?) and marry a bimbo just because he wanted to bang her like a drum. No need to pay alimony so far! Good job!
If I was his life coach his first task would be to go to a bookstore. Stand in a section that he likes (literature, sci-fi, mystery, history, religion, etc.) when a girl comes along that he's attracted to and, ideally, picks up a book that he himself has enjoyed strike up a conversation. Picking up broads is not difficult for this man. Why? Who knows? Maybe he has great personal magnetism when you're in his presence. Whatever. Hell, I'm not even nixing fake tits! Just make sure you have something in common. That's all I'm sayin'. Task one down!
Now, for all that I've said, I must admit that Mr. Baio doesn't strike me as a bad person. I actually believe that he wants to figure out what his problem is. Good for him. His friends all seem to be behind him as well. Actually, all his friends but one are behind him and there you have the second problem. That guy, who's name I've forgotten, has been getting laid for years just by hanging out with Scott Baio.
How sad is that? He essentially takes the leftovers and that's ok with him. In fact that's great with him! He flips out when Mr. Baio announces his plan to be celibate and eventually, hopefully, get married. Some friend.
This guy is a friggin' animal. He's a mooch. His goal in life is to be a life of the party guy. The only problem? He's unattractive, a pain in the ass and a real cheap piece of goods.
Examples? Oh, well, if you insist!
In the first episode they run into the brother of Ron Howard. The friend has no interest in him at all until he figures out who he's related to. Then he's all over him! Schmuck. PS? You have to love Ron Howard's brother because he's on to him from the word go. Poor bastard probably gets it all the time. However, that doesn't make it right. To Mr. Baio's credit he recognizes that his friend is a putz in this instance and gets him out of there.
In a later episode he brings a stripper/hooker to his friends house after he is specifically told not to do so. You remember that friend? The one who is trying to be celibate for the first time in twenty-nine years? The one who wants to make a commitment to his girlfriend or, at least, figure out why he can't? Why does he do this? Because he wants his friend to fail. Because if his friend fails he wins. Nice. Very nice. Again, some friend!
Now, to be fair, I don't blame the friend for Mr. Baio's failure in turning down the nice lady's offer, which is implied by the clip I saw, in this instance. He's a grown man. He can say no to a hooker if he wants to. He clearly doesn't want to. However, I blame the friend for putting the stumbling block in his way. It seems whenever they're around each other they just pull one another further down into the pit of yuck. I don't get it.
Task two? Dump the mooch. No more. He's out. Yes, it would be hard but not impossible. Besides, why would you hang out with someone who only brings out the worst in you? Who constantly embarrasses you? Who uses you? Why would you allow yourself to be turned into this kind of an animal? It's ridiculous. He's forty-five. Time to grow up. Be a man.
That's it. The second and final step taken care of. Eight weeks? Fuck that! I got the problem knocked.
Where's my check?!
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