Things I Covet

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Stardom isn’t a profession; it’s an accident.

Whatever happened to celebrities? Call me old if you will* but when I was a kid I seem to recall that people who were famous were famous for a reason. I mean if you were in a magazine or on TV there had to be a reason (except, obviously, in the event that you were on "The Love Boat". . . they'd take anybody). Either you were someone of note in the literary, political, theatrical or musical arena or you'd killed somebody. These were the options. Well, you could also save a small child from a well but, honestly, how often does a break like that come along?

Who are our celebrities now? No. Seriously. Who the fuck are these people? I don't know. Do you? Could you tell me? I doubt it. Because now we're barraged with the dregs of the Earth a.k.a. the children of famous people. We're deluged with "celebutantes" a.k.a. the rich bitch brigade. To quote Dorothy Parker, as I tend to do, "they make me sick. They make me tired."

Why do I, or anyone for that matter, need to know anything at all about Rod Stewarts kids? I barely care about Rod Stewart. He had, what? Two good songs a million years ago? So, naturally, I must care that his son is BFF's with three other brats of actual celebrities and that the kid spends more on fake spray tan in a week than I, or anybody I know, will make this year. Yeah. Sure I do. In who's world?

Where is the fascination in Paris Hilton? Jesus Herman Christ on a crutch, I can't wait till this broad od's. I mean that. On the day that she's found in an alley (but a very posh upper class alley) with a needle in her arm and an eight ball in her big fuck-off Fendi bag I will dance the dance of sheer joy. . . . With props. I'm not saying I want her to die. I just want her to go away and not come back. In fact it's better if she lives but people are just collectively tired of her bullshit.

How do we all manage to care so much about the privileged, spoiled, slutty, ignoramuses on MTV? I don't know. It baffles me. The only thing I know for sure is that come the revolution there will be no spray tan and Daddy's money won't be able to help you so you'd better learn a trade. Just ask Tori.


*Don't.

An E-Mail I Recieved Today

Dear -User Name Here-,

Well, you did it. You've gone and pledged your November to the pursuit of the month-long novel. Whether this is your first or ninth NaNoWriMo, we know you're going to have a great time, and we're thrilled to have you writing with us.In case you forget it, here are your author log-in and password for the NaNoWriMo site:

username: ------
password: --------

On November 1, we'll unlock the novel-excerpt and word-count area of your Author info area so you can post your escalating word-count, view your personal stats, and offer an excerpt of your work-in-progress to friends and fans. Before you head off to begin training those typing fingers, we wanted to offer a few bits of advice. You'll find many great tips in the forums, and we'll be sending pep talks directly to your inbox during November. But for now, here's a quick overview of the three-and-a-half things we wish we had known for our first NaNoWriMo.

1) It's okay to not know what you're doing. Really. You've read a lot of novels, so you're completely up to the challenge of writing one. No plot? No problem! If you feel more comfortable outlining your story ahead of time, absolutely do so. But it's also fine to just wing it. Write everyday, and a book-worthy story will appear, even if you're not sure what that story might be right now.

2) Do not edit as you go. Editing is for December (and Katherine!). Think of November as an experiment in pure output. Even if it's hard at first, leave ugly prose and poorly written passages on the page to be cleaned up later. Your inner editor will be very grumpy about this, but your inner editor is a nitpicky jerk who foolishly believes that it is possible to write a brilliant first draft if you write it slowly enough. It isn't. Every book you've ever loved started out as a beautifully flawed first draft. In November, embrace imperfection and see where it takes you.

3) Tell everyone you know that you're writing a novel in November (Done and done!). This will pay big dividends in Week Two, when the only thing keeping you from quitting is the fear of looking pathetic in front of all the people who've had to hear about your novel for the past month. Seriously. Email them now about your awesome new book. The looming specter of personal humiliation is a very reliable muse.

3.5) There will be times you'll want to quit during November. This is okay. Everyone who wins NaNoWriMo wanted to quit at some point in November. Stick it out. See it through. Week Two can be hard. Week Three is much better. Week Four will make you want to hug the world.

With great well wishes on the noveling month ahead,

The NaNoWriMo Team

P.S? I'm excited. No. Really. I know it's hard to tell when I don't use exclamation points but I'm trying to ween you off of them. It's for your own good, I promise.

Listapalooza

Again I ask, why can't the people who come up with these things count?

40 Things You Have NOT Been Asked In A Survey

1. Do you know anyone in prison? I don’t think so but who friggin’ knows.

2. Have you ever logged onto a boyfriend/girlfriend/crush's myspace? Nope

3. When is the last time you ate peanut butter and jelly? Last year

4. Do you have a desk in your room? No

5. Have you ever gotten naked at a party? No

6. What kind of car do you have? Dirty

7. Are you named after one of your parents or grandparents? One of my middle names is my great grandmother’s maiden name and my great aunt’s first name. Welcome to the south.

8. Does your first significant other still live in the same town as you? No, thank G-d.

9. Do you throw up gang signs? EAST SIDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Um, no.

10. Have you ever broken a rib? I chipped one once. Does that count?

11. Would you rather be a girl or a guy? I’m not trans-gendered so I’m gonna’ go with girl!

12. Who is the most spoiled person you know? I decline to answer that question on the grounds that it may cause trouble.

13. Would you rather have a million dollars or true love? Can I have both? No? Damn. I would take….wow. I’m shallow.

14. Have you ever been to church? Yes

15. Is your boyfriend/girlfriend a marine? No. My grandfather was one and warned me against it.

16. Do you watch the Grammys? No

17. Would you ever work for the border patrol? No

18. Which one word would describe your last relationship? Brief.

19. Would you rather date someone 2 years older then you or 20 years? Well, how old is George Clooney? I’m kidding! Maybe. 2 I suppose.

21. Do you have a porn collection? I think not.

22. How many proms have you been to in your life? Zero.

23. Have you ever been in a interracial relationship? No

25. Are you old enough to vote? Yep

26. Do you have any friends or family in the war right now? No, thank G-d.

28. Do you worry about global warming? Yes

29. Do you like polar bears? They’re my favorite wild animal actually.

30. Have you ever been cheated on? Not that I know of.

31. Do you have any gay/bi friends? No. I believe that gay people are going straight to he---oh, wait. Anne Coulter took over my body for a minute! Yick. Now I smell like crazy!
Yes, I have gay friends. Who doesn’t. If you say you don’t then you probably don’t know shit.

32. What kind of deodorant do you use? Secret

35. Did or do you think your childhood dreams will come true? Yes

37. What's your opinion on gold diggers? Why can‘t I be one? Why?!

38. Are you a country or city boy/girl? I like to be either in the city or in the country. The burbs are neither one thing nor the other. It’s annoying.

39. Is your car a 2002 or higher? No. Bite me.

40. Do you want to hit something? In what sense of the word?

People (don't always) Make Me Sad

Some people delight and sadden me at the same time. What? I’m Bi-polar. Don’t judge me. Terry Pratchett is a prime example. He’s a brilliant and insane human being. He is, dare I say it, a genius. I wait with baited breath for each of his new books. I buy them in hard cover which I don’t do with any other author if only for the fact that they’re a bitch to lug around. I then buy them in paper back as well. Why? Portability is key. I read them in one sitting. They make me inordinately happy. They also depress me.

Every time I read one of his books I end up thinking the same thing. “Damn. I wish I’d written that.” The strange thing? I’m not a writer. Never have been. Don’t intend to be one. It’s just something about his structure and sense of humor that makes me mental. He’s got a laser beam in his head pointed directly at the weird and mockable in the world and he never misses. Well, I guess he wouldn’t what with the laser sight and all.

I feel the same way about Dorothy Parker. It’s like when you see a really good movie and you think, “Wow! I wish I’d been in that.” Wait. Other people think that right? It’s not just me. Can’t be. I refuse to believe it. The movie example is rare . . . . And getting rarer these days. In fact I can’t think of a recent example to give. Usually these days it’s not an entire movie so much as one good role. Which is sad. Are movies getting worse? I feel like they don’t deliver as they used to. But Mr. Pratchett? Every time. Every damn time.

“God does not play dice with the universe; He plays an ineffable game of his own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of the players, (ie everybody), to being involved in an obscure and complex version of poker in a pitch-dark room, with blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a Dealer who won't tell you the rules, and who smiles all the time.”
--Terry Pratchett

"Everything starts somewhere, although many physicists disagree."
--Terry Pratchett

Lists, lists and more lists!

On an up note! I have made a list of things I covet at Target.com which is entitled, appropriately enough, "Things I Covet". Ahhhhhh....lists.....is there anything they can't do?

Edited To Add: Also did one on linensnthings.com. I'm addicted!

People Who Don't make Me Sad

Rowan Atkinson. Who's funnier than this man? Answer? Nobody. Mr. Bean? I hate it. But, well, one swallow does not a summer make. So, let's not judge too harshly.



The Thin Blue Line - Funny Cops




Black Adder - Funny History