Sunday, May 18, 2008

“Anyone can be a millionaire, but to become a billionaire you need an astrologer.” - J. P. Morgan

Aries Horoscope (Mar 21 - Apr 19) Things are looking up, yet there's a stress that won't magically disappear. But even with too much happening, you can make time to enjoy yourself without going into denial about something important. You have an innate skill: you can live in your own imagination (see Willy Wonka for further info) and, if someone breaks in on your day dream you can break their spine. In. Half. That’ll learn ‘em.

Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 - May 20) This can be a wonderful day as your key planet, Venus, trines optimistic Jupiter. Instead of thinking about all the things that might go wrong, take the good times as they come now. Don't worry; there really is no astrological reason to be afraid of what comes next in your life. Does that mean you don’t have any reason in the real, actual world not to worry? Ha! Hell no. However, we’re just concerned with the astrological. So good luck with that, we’ll check ya’ later!

Gemini Horoscope (May 21 - Jun 20) An unexpected event today can pull you into an emotional situation and at first you may be less than comfortable. At another time you might lightheartedly avoid this profound kind of interaction; now, however, you are more than ready to take it on. Your involvement with others on a heart-centered level will supply you with a deeper sense of joy and enduring gratitude than that time you backed over that old lady in the Piggly Wiggly parking lot. That was good times and all but this heart centered stuff is where it’s at!

Cancer Horoscope (June 21 - Jul 22) Even if you continue to ride the waves of unexpressed feelings that come to the surface, they aren't sufficient to lure you away from a very sweet experience. You must stay open to the love that is all around you for the best things to happen. And if you're fearful, just keep in mind that you have every reason to be. Life is pain. Hope kills. Most marriages end in divorce. War. Famine. Plague. You get the idea but, on the up side, we’re sure your life will be different…maybe.

Leo Horoscope (Jul 23 - Aug 22) Excellent news might come your way today, but you have to be receptive to the message or it will pass you by unnoticed. The rewards at work can now be less emotional than practical. You might even be lucky enough to receive an unexpected cash windfall. Don't attempt to control the positive flow of events; just lay back and enjoy. Swim around in the positive vibes till you get all pruney then jump out and canon ball back in.

Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 - Sep 22) Even if you are anxious about your feelings, it's healthier to express them than to keep them to yourself. Although this may go against your natural inclination, take a chance. Beware; once you begin to share, it may be difficult to stop. All those emotions that you usually bottle up, because they’re messy and gross, will come oozing to the surface. So, for G-d’s sake, go into hiding till this whole thing passes. Unless, of course, you want to scare the bejesus out of people then go to town!

Libra Horoscope (Sep 23 - Oct 22) It seems as if everything will turn out for the best, for your key planet, Venus, is harmonizing with expansive Jupiter and encouraging you to indulge in your senses. This isn't a day to be lazy and wait for something to happen. Go out of your way to manifest the beauty that you touch in your space of dreams. Or, barring that, rip off the ideas from HGTV. They’re so simple! As long as you have a glue gun, a staple gun, a jigsaw, a spare fourteen thousand dollars and a week to a month to do a project. See? Easy peasy!

Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 - Nov 21) Even in the most difficult situations, your attitude remains the key to your happiness. Material success, however, can be a problem, but don't let your goals get in your way. Do whatever makes you feel good about yourself now and the money will follow. There still may be feelings that need to be shared; express them with abundant love. Don't push too hard. Still, some people are pretty dumb so you might have to push a little harder than you might like. Well, not harder than you like. You, after all, are a pretty violent personality. So, let’s just say you should push hard enough to get the point across but not so hard that you do permanent damage. Is that safe? Oh, we hope we haven’t become involved in what is sure to be a pro-longed legal struggle! Damn.

Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 - Dec 21) Your ruling planet, Jupiter, receives a lovely touch of sensuality today from Venus the Lover. Even if you had a hard time recently, it will be difficult for you to be negative now. Others, too, will be more optimistic while in your presence. And, for this reason, they might seek you out, putting you on the most wanted list -- not for punishment, but rather for fun and games. Which might, now that we think about it, include punishment. Hey! We aren’t here to judge. You do what you like. That’s between you, your partner, the goat and your G-d! Just hide the video tape. Lots of stuff is still illegal you know. Better safe than sorry.

Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 - Jan 19) You may be temporarily released from a stressful work situation because your coworkers and superiors suddenly see you as more graceful and charming than before. You are eager to encourage everyone else and now your optimism is reflected back toward you. Don't dally; initiate action that involves groups, for your people skills are now supported by an acute sense of good timing. This will pass after the new moon passes through Jupiter in about - - -oops! Ya’ missed it! Slow poke. Is that your boss bellowing your name? Damn. Bet you wish you’d checked your horoscope earlier, don’t ya’?

Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 - Feb 18) You may be able to get away with something now, but don't push your luck too far or your day could implode. If you do go overboard, it will come back at you very quickly. Give yourself permission to receive the love that you desire, without greedily taking more than is available. Your eyes, remember, are bigger most of the time than your stomach. Or any other organ you’d like to think of. Two or three at a time is enough for anybody outside of Caligula so calm down and just remember what happened to him. Ew.

Pisces Horoscope (Feb 19 - Mar 20) Unexpected events might have recently shocked you awake and today it's time to regroup, relax and recuperate. Enjoy your freedom as you open your heart to the positive energy and the encouragement that is now coming your way. Receive the good news without resistance. Opportunity may be knocking at your door, but it takes your participation to make something important happen. So open the door. Don’t be such a putz! What? You’re too good to talk to your neighbors? You’re in hiding from INS? What? Open the damn door. And, while we’re at it, seek treatment for your obvious agoraphobia. They have medication for that now! Jeez. Read a pamphlet some time!

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