Hmmmmm . . . Deep contemplation time . . . .
This evening I had dinner with my best friend. Some of you may know her as Blonde Justice. I know her as my personal therapist. We had an informal two hour session in the parking lot. It made me thoughtful. This may not be the most coherent post. I apologize in advance.
I have, I realize, lived my life as a performer. I was raised to perform and I was good at it. I am good at it.
I was on stage from the time I was five years old until I was about twenty-five (that’s twenty years for the mathematically challenged). But, even before I went on the stage, I was performing. I have worked every day of my life (that’s thirty-three years for the Dark Fury birthday challenged) to make sure that I am pleasing.
As most of you know, my father left before I was born. I, therefore, have a severe fear of abandonment (shocker!). If it weren’t for my grandfather I would have no positive male role model at all. Be that as it may, I have used humor and my general talent for gab and snarky commentary to amuse and try to deflect interest from what was going on internally.
I am dark and twisty. I am broken. I have problems like we all do.
My therapist (Blonde Justice) believes that people want to get to know the “real me.” The me without the chatter. The me without the performing. I tend to disagree. I believe, as I always have, that if people see the dark, twisty, broken me they will run like the wind. I could give you specific examples of when this has happened. Or, worse, I believe that they will use what they find out to hurt me. I could, sadly, give you examples of this as well.
But, will me or nil me, I’m willing to give it a try. This will, I fear, cut waaaaaaaaaay back on my social, what shall we call it? My social coin? I don’t know. I am, as far as I know, invited to most of the places I’m invited to to act as court jester. Well, I’ll still be funny - I can’t change the way G-d made me - but the hat with the bells is coming off.
I was not put on this Earth to be your (collective use to signify all mankind) clown or dancing monkey. I’m allowed to have a down time. It will be difficult but I’m hoping we can all get through it together. And now, per doctors orders, I’m taking a deep breath . . . I’m breathing out . . . And I’m asking . . . Who wants to really know me?
I’ve had surgery that was less painful than that last sentence.
10 comments:
Dr. Justice here. I would love to see the real Dark Fury. Cause the glimpses I have caught have shown me an amazing person who, if anything, is just scared. It may be difficult but you are worth the work.
Props on the honest post. I am proud of you. :)
Thanks, gurl. I have to go breathe into a paper bag now . . . .
:)
As a stranger who has stumbled across your blog I have enjoyed your wry sense of humor and the way you express yourself. I understand the way you use your quick wit and snarky comments because that has always been my modus operandi. I've walked your walk for a looong time and at various times along the way I've questioned why I used humor and why it seemed that I was the one with the jester's hat on in all situations; family gatherings, at work, with friends, with strangers... so I decided to make the conscious decision to try to not use humor, to keep my comments and observations to myself. First observation- people kept asking me what was wrong. Second observation- I missed it. I missed having the kind of interchanges that I was used to and I missed hearing people laugh or seeing them smile. Third observation- it's a lot of work. This is part of who I am, for whatever reason. From what I've read from you, humor might be a defense mechanism and a coping skill, but it is also part of who you are.
Good luck!! It is hard to change the face we show people. I think your real face is totally bad ass!
Again, good luck, be tough and do what is best for you!!
Hi Lady.
I want to know you.
How many times have we all looked at Elisa and wondered...WTF is she talking about. Yeah well, I am who I am and I want others around me to be comfortable with themselves around me. I invite you places because I think you should be there, not to put on a performance.
Now that you have put this out there, I hope you don't delete it (like you have done in the past). People read blogs so they can know someone, not just the one side someone shows. Life (like blogs) are not one sided and you shouldn't be either.
If you just keep believing that what your doing is right, then all the doors will open up for you.
WE WANT TO SEE ADRIENNE!!!!!
I have told Olivia that I feel like there is such a softness, a vulnerability in you that so many people don't see. And that the more I've gotten to know you (and I am totally talkin' Real You here) I have fallen head over heels in love with you. You are so warm and sweet and shy and just so damn awesome!
LYLAS/BOFA, emogirl
Well, damn me.
A. Elisa & Erin, stop it! Or I'll cry. Seriously. Erin, ou especially 'cause I already miss you guys to the power of like 2 hundred. SO, there that is.
B. Diana, I digs ya' the most, chica. When's the kareoke party? (thought I forgot? Ha! Not likely!)
C. Jude. Um, well, dude. It never occurred (sp?) to me that anybod I didn't know was reading this. So, thanks. I appreciate it.
Tee hee -- I am so digging the Cockney way you said "Erin, 'ou especially..."
Yuck! Not me! Go away! I want my jester!!! Dance for me monkey!
kidding.
What I do to kill the pain is find that deep dark black spot deep in my soul and push all that hatred and sadness down into it so that I can appear as my (mostly) cheerful self on the outside (minus the scary eye-brows). One day my dark black spot full of pure rage will be compressed so hard that it will form the biggest diamond the world has ever seen, and I will be rich. At least, that's the plan. No joke.
-J
Totally missed this post. (I have no idea how.) I too would like to know the real Dark Fury. Sure you're funny and good for a quick quip ("Holla at your kew tip!"), but there's more to you than that. For instance, you have read nearly every single book in America, yet you seldom discuss this. You've seen like every great TV show too. Again, who knew? Things like this your friends should know about you. Give it up! Expose yourself! Run around emotionally naked! It'll be fun, freeing and...frigid. (Sorry, I needed another f word.)
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