Question:
When your 16 year old child asks you for a twenty-five thousand dollar Fendi mink coat what should your answer be?
A. What did you just ask me?
B. Are you out of your tiny mind?
C. Hell no!
D. All of the above.
E. Anything you want. It’s your world, we’re all just living in it!
Apparently, much to my shock, the answer is E. Who knew? Not me. I did not know that.
I would have imagined, actually, that the correct thing to do would be to laugh in the childs face for about an hour . . . Possibly while slapping them, lightly, about the head and neck with a rolled up newspaper. That would, surely, be my response. But, what do I know? If you go by the dim bulb, lack wit, parents of the Super Sweet 16 crowd I’m wrong as wrong can be. Hu.
Now, I’m sure, twenty-five thousand dollars is chump change to these people. Good for them. Way to hustle! But, instead of spending it on a, frankly, ugly coat that little baby precious dumplin’ angel will wear for about a minute before she’s “over it” how about you take that chump change and, oh, I don’t know…do something crazy? Like making her do volunteer work and then donating the money to the charity of her choice! How about doing something wacky like that? Why not show her that sometimes we don’t always get every little thing our hearts desire and that some, hell, lots of people don’t get the essentials let alone the luxury items? Wouldn’t that be a hoot?!
No? Better to have her grow up believing that she’s entitled to any little thing she wants? Better she should never understand the value of a dollar or how, honestly, to get a dollar without pitching a fit and running to daddy? Better she should grow up to be a douche bag of staggering proportions? Well, if you say so I’ll . . . No. Come to think of it, I won’t believe you.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Friday, November 7, 2008
Two (2) Mini Blogs For The Price of One (1)
1.
It Costs Extra To Have The Word Schmuck Carved Into A Tombstone But For You? I'll Save Up.
Today at work a man told me, as part of his defense, that his daughter “isn’t that retarded.” Oh, OK. To think that someone honest to G-d thought that it was OK to not take care of their mentally challenged child because, hey! They’re not that retarded! So, what’s the criteria? If she eats dirt and sits in the yard all day tethered to a post wearing a helmet will you support her then? I’m not trying to be cruel, I just really want to know what the cut off is.
2.
Alvy Singer: Hey listen, gimme a kiss.
Annie Hall: Really?
Alvy Singer: Yeah, why not, because we're just gonna go home later, right, and then there's gonna be all that tension, we've never kissed before and I'll never know when to make the right move or anything. So we'll kiss now and get it over with, and then we'll go eat. We'll digest our food better.
It Costs Extra To Have The Word Schmuck Carved Into A Tombstone But For You? I'll Save Up.
Today at work a man told me, as part of his defense, that his daughter “isn’t that retarded.” Oh, OK. To think that someone honest to G-d thought that it was OK to not take care of their mentally challenged child because, hey! They’re not that retarded! So, what’s the criteria? If she eats dirt and sits in the yard all day tethered to a post wearing a helmet will you support her then? I’m not trying to be cruel, I just really want to know what the cut off is.
2.
Alvy Singer: Hey listen, gimme a kiss.
Annie Hall: Really?
Alvy Singer: Yeah, why not, because we're just gonna go home later, right, and then there's gonna be all that tension, we've never kissed before and I'll never know when to make the right move or anything. So we'll kiss now and get it over with, and then we'll go eat. We'll digest our food better.
Annie Hall is on. I believe that this movie should be used as a compatibility litmus test (I’m very scientifically minded when I’m motivated). If you are interested in someone you should make them watch Annie Hall. If they love it and you love it? Grand. Go ahead and accept that dinner invitation. If they hate it and you hate it? Same deal. If you don’t feel the same way just walk away right there. Seriously. Further, you should watch it together and if you laugh with glee/scowl morosely and back chat the screen at the same time? Get married, shack up, have babies, whatever.
Annie Hall is the only one it will work with. Bananas , Take the Money and Run, Zelig? Those are funny to everybody …or should be…actually, no. I tell a lie. You can use any Woody Allen comedy. Go ahead. Go nuts!
But, of course, if they’re from someplace like Utah you’ll need a New York to English dictionary. But, hell, what do I know? Maybe you’re from Utah. No offense.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
The Cure For What Ails You, Part II
Mushroom Kugel
1 Package of Wide Egg Noodles
1 8 oz. Package of Mushrooms - Chopped
½ Cup Yellow Onion - Chopped
2 Cloves Garlic - Minced
2 Sticks of Butter
8 oz. Sour Cream
8 oz. Cream Cheese
6 Eggs
Salt & Pepper To Taste
Preheat oven to 375
Prepare noodles as directed on package.
In large sauté pan melt 2 Tablespoons of the butter.
Add the onion, garlic and mushrooms.
Cook until soft.
Add the rest of the butter to the sauté pan and melt.
In a large bowl (seriously, make it a BIG bowl) mix the mushroom/butter mixture, cream cheese and sour cream.
Add the eggs one at a time (the batter will be thick like a cake batter).
Mix the noodles into the batter.
Pour mixture into a large casserole dish.
Bake, uncovered, for approximately 50 minutes.
You can do a sweet kugel by changing the mushrooms to the fruit of your choice (I like apple), adding ½ a cup of sugar, ½ a cup of brown sugar and 2 teaspoons of cinnamon.
Obviously, you would leave out the onion, garlic, salt and pepper…unless you have weird taste buds. Hey, it’s America. Do what you like!
1 Package of Wide Egg Noodles
1 8 oz. Package of Mushrooms - Chopped
½ Cup Yellow Onion - Chopped
2 Cloves Garlic - Minced
2 Sticks of Butter
8 oz. Sour Cream
8 oz. Cream Cheese
6 Eggs
Salt & Pepper To Taste
Preheat oven to 375
Prepare noodles as directed on package.
In large sauté pan melt 2 Tablespoons of the butter.
Add the onion, garlic and mushrooms.
Cook until soft.
Add the rest of the butter to the sauté pan and melt.
In a large bowl (seriously, make it a BIG bowl) mix the mushroom/butter mixture, cream cheese and sour cream.
Add the eggs one at a time (the batter will be thick like a cake batter).
Mix the noodles into the batter.
Pour mixture into a large casserole dish.
Bake, uncovered, for approximately 50 minutes.
You can do a sweet kugel by changing the mushrooms to the fruit of your choice (I like apple), adding ½ a cup of sugar, ½ a cup of brown sugar and 2 teaspoons of cinnamon.
Obviously, you would leave out the onion, garlic, salt and pepper…unless you have weird taste buds. Hey, it’s America. Do what you like!
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
The Cure For What Ails You
Mushroom & Matzoh Ball Soup
1/2 Cup Yellow Onion, Diced
1/2 Cup Carrot, Sliced
1 Cup Frozen Peas
1 8 oz. Package of Sliced Wild Mushrooms
1 8 oz. Package of Sliced Baby Portobello’s
2 Quarts of Stock (Chicken or Vegetable)
3 Garlic Cloves, Minced
1 Package of Matzoh Ball Mix
3 Tablespoons Olive Oil
Salt & Pepper To Taste
In a large skillet sauté the onions, carrots, mushrooms & garlic in the olive oil until soft (about 20 minutes).
While vegetables are cooking prepare the matzoh ball mix as directed on the package.Matzoh mix will have to be refrigerated for 15 minutes.
In a large stock pot bring stock to a boil.
Wet hands.
Roll small (important that they are small as they get bigger when they cook) balls of matzoh mix and drop into boiling stock.
Cover stock pot tightly & simmer for 20 minutes.
When matzoh balls are done transfer vegetable mix to stock pot and add frozen peas.
Simmer for 5 minutes. Ladle into soup bowl. Eat.
I love soup. It's so easy!
EDITED TO ADD: Baked Apples or Apple Noodle Kugel would be the perfect dessert after this. Why didn't I get apples, when I went to the store? WHY?! Damn cold medicine.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Well, Hey! How You? How's Yer' Mamma & Them?!
So, long time no blog, eh? Well, them’s the breaks. What’s been going on? Oy. So much! And, as we all know, I love a list….
A. The Saturday before last I went to my grandmother’s family reunion. I know, technically, that since it’s her family it’s also my family but come on! I can’t take them. What am I Job?
My grandmother’s family is white. No. Seriously. They make me look like a fine Nubian princess. They find Catsup spicy. I’m not kidding. They believe catsup to be some spicy, hot, fire in the hole hellishness. They’re nutty. But, hey! It takes all kinds to make a world so live and let live I say. . . Up to a point.
Conversation Overheard At Family Reunion:
Batshit Crazy 7th Cousin Once Removed #1: Who brought this?
Batshit Crazy 7th Cousin Once Removed #2: What?
BC7C1R #1: (pointing at container that is clearly marked “Garcia”) Who brought this?
BC7C1R #2: Oh. Teeny [my grandmother’s nickname…remember, they’re uber white] did.
BC7C1R #1: Oh! That’s right! I always forget that Teeny married a (whispering) Mexican…I hope it isn’t spicy….
Um, seriously? It was macaroni salad. Also? We’re not Mexican. Furthermore? If we were you wouldn’t need to whisper it. If we were Nazis? Sure, you go ahead and whisper that craziness. Mexican? Not necessary. It isn’t contagious. And if it was I bet you’d enjoy life a lot more. Welcome to flavor country! I know. I know, you thought mayo was a spice. You were wrong. But, once you catch the dreaded Mexican you’ll know better.
Why must people assume that all people with Spanish last names are Mexican (or, in Nuevo York, Puerto Rican)? There are a lot of Spanish speaking nations. Grab a map and concentrate on the Central & South American countries. Oh! And, also? Friggin’ Spain! Hence the word “Spanish.”
I really wanted to point all of this out but, since I was raised right, I decided that this was my cue to get the hell out of Dodge. I even said goodbye on my way out in a very polite manner. I said, because I may have been raised right but Mr. Garcia didn’t raise no fools, “Adios, ladies!” And, yes, I enjoyed the mixture of confusion and panic on their faces when I said it.
B. The Sunday before last I attended the wedding of my friends Stuart and Anne. Now, as we know, usually I could give a crap about weddings. I believe I’ve been clear. I’m generally the one in the back of the room making book on how long the marriage will last. What? I give fair odds and pay out when I lose. Don’t judge me!
That being said, I got a wee choked up at this wedding. Why? Well, partly because I’ve known Stu since G-d was a boy . To me he’ll always be the gangly, sadly long haired, hyperactive puppy of a lad I met way back when. But he’s grown up. He’s grownsed up and he’s grownsed up and he’s grownsed up! And, not only has he grown up, he’s grown up well. He’s a good man. Well done, luv, if you read this. And then there’s Anne. We like Anne. Hell, we love Anne! Could there be anybody better for the Stude? Nope. Not on this planet. So, yeah, that explains the robot getting choked up. That or I’ve blown a cog. Hmmm…must get that checked out. I knew I should have had my heart taken out when I had my soul removed to make room for more sarcasm. Oh, well, hind sight is 20/20!
And, besides the fact that I actually gave a crap about the people getting married, it was a super fun wedding! And, though I say it myself, we were the fun table. One problem? There were three flasks. That, in itself, is far from problematic. But two of them were wasted on Gin and Bourbon. Honestly! Who does that?
C. A few of my friends and I will be hitting up the Richmond Highland Games this weekend. Before you say it, yes, I know! It’s supposed to rain. I say bring it on! I’m a fool for authenticity. I bought a disposable camera so I’m sure I’ll have plenty to post and plenty of photographic evidence. I may have to bring a tranquilizer gun. Olivia gets…funny…around kilted men. There may be an incident.
D.Besides all this? I’ve been at work. I got my first performance review. Yeah, it’s official, I rock.
And . . . That’s . . . About . . . It . . . …..
A. The Saturday before last I went to my grandmother’s family reunion. I know, technically, that since it’s her family it’s also my family but come on! I can’t take them. What am I Job?
My grandmother’s family is white. No. Seriously. They make me look like a fine Nubian princess. They find Catsup spicy. I’m not kidding. They believe catsup to be some spicy, hot, fire in the hole hellishness. They’re nutty. But, hey! It takes all kinds to make a world so live and let live I say. . . Up to a point.
Conversation Overheard At Family Reunion:
Batshit Crazy 7th Cousin Once Removed #1: Who brought this?
Batshit Crazy 7th Cousin Once Removed #2: What?
BC7C1R #1: (pointing at container that is clearly marked “Garcia”) Who brought this?
BC7C1R #2: Oh. Teeny [my grandmother’s nickname…remember, they’re uber white] did.
BC7C1R #1: Oh! That’s right! I always forget that Teeny married a (whispering) Mexican…I hope it isn’t spicy….
Um, seriously? It was macaroni salad. Also? We’re not Mexican. Furthermore? If we were you wouldn’t need to whisper it. If we were Nazis? Sure, you go ahead and whisper that craziness. Mexican? Not necessary. It isn’t contagious. And if it was I bet you’d enjoy life a lot more. Welcome to flavor country! I know. I know, you thought mayo was a spice. You were wrong. But, once you catch the dreaded Mexican you’ll know better.
Why must people assume that all people with Spanish last names are Mexican (or, in Nuevo York, Puerto Rican)? There are a lot of Spanish speaking nations. Grab a map and concentrate on the Central & South American countries. Oh! And, also? Friggin’ Spain! Hence the word “Spanish.”
I really wanted to point all of this out but, since I was raised right, I decided that this was my cue to get the hell out of Dodge. I even said goodbye on my way out in a very polite manner. I said, because I may have been raised right but Mr. Garcia didn’t raise no fools, “Adios, ladies!” And, yes, I enjoyed the mixture of confusion and panic on their faces when I said it.
B. The Sunday before last I attended the wedding of my friends Stuart and Anne. Now, as we know, usually I could give a crap about weddings. I believe I’ve been clear. I’m generally the one in the back of the room making book on how long the marriage will last. What? I give fair odds and pay out when I lose. Don’t judge me!
That being said, I got a wee choked up at this wedding. Why? Well, partly because I’ve known Stu since G-d was a boy . To me he’ll always be the gangly, sadly long haired, hyperactive puppy of a lad I met way back when. But he’s grown up. He’s grownsed up and he’s grownsed up and he’s grownsed up! And, not only has he grown up, he’s grown up well. He’s a good man. Well done, luv, if you read this. And then there’s Anne. We like Anne. Hell, we love Anne! Could there be anybody better for the Stude? Nope. Not on this planet. So, yeah, that explains the robot getting choked up. That or I’ve blown a cog. Hmmm…must get that checked out. I knew I should have had my heart taken out when I had my soul removed to make room for more sarcasm. Oh, well, hind sight is 20/20!
And, besides the fact that I actually gave a crap about the people getting married, it was a super fun wedding! And, though I say it myself, we were the fun table. One problem? There were three flasks. That, in itself, is far from problematic. But two of them were wasted on Gin and Bourbon. Honestly! Who does that?
C. A few of my friends and I will be hitting up the Richmond Highland Games this weekend. Before you say it, yes, I know! It’s supposed to rain. I say bring it on! I’m a fool for authenticity. I bought a disposable camera so I’m sure I’ll have plenty to post and plenty of photographic evidence. I may have to bring a tranquilizer gun. Olivia gets…funny…around kilted men. There may be an incident.
D.Besides all this? I’ve been at work. I got my first performance review. Yeah, it’s official, I rock.
And . . . That’s . . . About . . . It . . . …..
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Things We Lost In The Fire?
The urge to blog. But I'm working on it. Check back later. Hang in there. Be strong. G-d bless you and G-d bless America....Oh, wait. I'm not running for president. Woops!
No. There wasn't an actual fire.
No. There wasn't an actual fire.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
It's Yom Kippur . . .
If you’re thinking of having a pork chop, reconsider.
What time is it, boys and girls? It’s atonement time! Once again it’s time to forgive and forget. I’ll start, shall I?
If, in the past year, I have pissed you off I offer a deep and heartfelt apology.* If, in the past year, you’ve pissed me off then I forgive you.**
There! Don’t we all feel better? Fantastic!
Tzom kal, everybody.
*Unless you had it coming and/or I found it amusing . . . In which case, host du bie mir an avleh!
*Unless you really pissed me off . . . in which case, gai tren zich!
What time is it, boys and girls? It’s atonement time! Once again it’s time to forgive and forget. I’ll start, shall I?
If, in the past year, I have pissed you off I offer a deep and heartfelt apology.* If, in the past year, you’ve pissed me off then I forgive you.**
There! Don’t we all feel better? Fantastic!
Tzom kal, everybody.
*Unless you had it coming and/or I found it amusing . . . In which case, host du bie mir an avleh!
*Unless you really pissed me off . . . in which case, gai tren zich!
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